CITIZEN 1. Look! Up in the sky!
CITIZEN 2. It’s a weather balloon!
CITIZEN 1. It’s a helicopter!
CITIZEN 2. I really think it’s a weather balloon.
ANNOUNCER. No! It’s Invincible Man!
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. Yes, Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents the Adventures of Invincible Man, the most powerful hero in the universe. Faster than light—more powerful than a hydrogen bomb—able to leap Mount McKinley with a hop, skip, and jump—Invincible Man fights for truth, beauty, and clean living!
ANNOUNCER. As our story opens today, Invincible Man has confronted the diabolically ruthless Dr. Villain, who has kidnapped plucky girl reporter Dottie Daily and plans on using her hatpins to build a doomsday device that will destroy most of the tri-state area.
DR. VILLAIN. So, Invincible Man, you have found my evil lair! But it makes no difference. My wicked plot proceeds apace. I have but to—
(Sound: Quiet smack.)
DOTTIE. Gosh, Invincible Man, you flicked him right off the continent.
INVINCIBLE MAN. I expect him to land in Tierra del Fuego somewhere, looking rather surprised.
DOTTIE. So his evil plot is foiled.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Yup.
DOTTIE. So, um, what would you like to talk about?
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, I don’t know. Seen any good movies lately?
DOTTIE. No. I mean, I’d like to go to the movies sometimes, but my boyfriend Grant Sussex, mild-mannered fellow reporter at the Leader, is always so busy, and we just never seem to have the time. And anyway, the weather’s been so nice lately, so who wants to be cooped up in a stuffy old movie theater?
INVINCIBLE MAN. Yes, the weather has been very mild this spring. Last year it was so unpredictable.
DOTTIE. I know! It was, like, all tulips and daffodils one day, and the next day it was a blizzard.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Still, we had a mild summer last year. It never really got too hot.
DOTTIE. Yes, that was nice. But it wasn’t very good for the tomatoes. They don’t really thrive until the weather gets hot.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Oh, do you grow tomatoes?
DOTTIE. Yeah, the landlord lets me plant a little patch every year behind my building. I mean, I have to have something to do, since my boyfriend won’t take me to the movies.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, maybe if you chose a different kind of movie, your boyfriend wouldn’t be so reluctant.
DOTTIE. What kind? I really try, you know. I always suggest superhero action movies, cause I know guys like that.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, see, that’s your problem. Guys go to the movies to escape the everyday grind. Maybe a nice light romantic comedy.
DOTTIE. You know, you’re weird sometimes.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, I’m just trying to help. You don’t have to get all snippy.
DOTTIE. Sorry. It’s just that I’m worried about my relationship with Grant, you know? It always seems like he’s got something more important to do than be with me.
INVINCIBLE MAN. He’s probably just busy trying to save the w— I mean, save enough to make a down payment on a nice little bungalow for the two of you. A guy doesn’t want to marry a girl he can’t support, you know.
DOTTIE. Well, that’s not a problem. I’ll be making enough for both of us. Mr. Moore wants me to be features editor.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Features editor! You didn’t tell me anything about— I mean, have you, um, mentioned that to Grant?
DOTTIE. Aw, he’s too busy to listen. Anyway, I’m going to tell him next time I see him.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, I’m sure he’ll be very surprised.
DOTTIE. Sometimes you sound a little sarcastic, but I’m never quite sure why.
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. And so once again Invincible Man preserves the American Way from evil villains with indeterminate foreign accents. Tune in next time for more of the Adventures of Invincible Man. And don’t forget to drink your Malt-O-Cod today, kids. You can’t be as strong as Invincible Man, but you can be a hero to the Malt-O-Cod Corporation if you pester your parents for more Malt-O-Cod every time they go to the store. Unlike other fish-liver-flavored malt food drinks, Malt-O-Cod is made only from the purest Ukrainian barley and the sweet cream of the North Atlantic cod fisheries. Malt-O-Cod—it’s the malt food drink that’s brain food!
(Music: Theme, in full then out.)