Posts by Dr. Boli

HANDY GUIDE TO FOOD SAFETY.

Vectors of disease and serious choking hazards.

Many consumers are unaware of the best practices in food safety, with the result that consumers all over the country are dropping like mayflies. Be aware of these important food safety facts to prevent sudden agonizing demise in your family.

Food wants to kill you. This is the first principle of food safety. To prevent food from having its way, make sure you eat only foods produced under carefully controlled conditions.

Raw meat is the most dangerous of all foods and should be handled only by fully qualified professionals, as it can carry not only diseases but also serious choking hazards in the form of “bones.” It is a useful principle to remember that raw meat is always more dangerous than the animal it came from. Yet most consumers seem to be unaware that cooked meat comes directly from raw meat. The only safe way to eat meat is to obtain meat that has been carefully prepared and neutralized under laboratory-like conditions, as is done, for example, in the packaged processed snack-food industry. Packaged processed snack meats come in many convenient forms, most of them vaguely cylindrical, all of them carefully neutralized with improving chemistry “for thine especial safety,” in the words of the immortal Bard.

Dairy products, such as milk and cheese, are technically meat at one remove. Standards for cheese are appallingly low, and it is a known fact in the industry that some cheese is sold in such an advanced state of decay that it is literally mottled with fungus. To be safe, insist on cheese that has been carefully stripped of its harmful properties, such as, for example, that found in many “cheez”-flavored packaged processed snack foods.

Fish is simply meat that lives under water. The safest way to consume fish is in the form of small crackers baked in sanitary factories and coated with safe and delicious cheez-flavored topping.

Fruit is a kind of meat produced by plants to seduce the unwary into spreading their filthy seeds. Fresh fruit is a known vector of many diseases and may contain inedible components, such as stems, cores, etc., which are technically the bones of the fruit and present similar choking hazards. Fruit is best consumed in the form of flavored processed snack foods, as the “froot” flavor can be safely produced in a laboratory without any contact with the dangerous meat of wild fruit.

Vegetables are nothing more than the meat of plants, with all the dangers of disease and choking that come with raw meat. The most reputable food scientists advise avoiding vegetables altogether.

This handy guide to food safety is brought to you by the North American Association of Delicious Packaged Processed Snack-Food Manufacturers (NAADPPSFM), promoting Food Safety Through Plastic Packaging.

THE THINGS YOU CAN BUY ON LINE.

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SERIAL PERJURY.

Contract expert Simon Legree explains to Uncle Tom the provisions of his Terms and Conditions and E-Sign Disclosure Notice.

I have read and accept the Terms and Conditions and E-Sign Disclosure Notice,” say the words beside the little check box. And you check the box and go on, because without checking the box, you cannot go on—you cannot order your consumer goods, or pay your bill, or live your life on the Internet.

But you have not read the Terms and Conditions and E-Sign Disclosure Notice. You did not even click on the link to the Terms and Conditions and E-Sign Disclosure Notice. You lied. In fact, since this is presented as a legal document, you committed perjury.

Why did you not read the Terms and Conditions and E-Sign Disclosure Notice? Because they were, in this case, 6,573 words long. That is quite an ordinary length for Terms and Conditions.

How does that compare to things you would willingly read?

In the New York Times, a newspaper renowned for its copy-heavy greyness, the average article is 1200 words. Assuming you read them at the same speed, you could read these Terms and Conditions in the amount of time it would take you to read five and a half New York Times articles.

But you could not read them at the same speed, because the Terms and Conditions are so dull that your brain will shut down in self-defense about a thousand words into them. A New York Times feature about allegations of corruption in the Nepalese Ministry of Agriculture is the soul of entertainment by comparison.

Yet you may be expected to swear that you have read documents like this several times a day. You have probably sworn, over the last month, that you have read hundreds of thousands of words of legal jargon that would have made no sense to you even if you had opened the page.

What can be done about this? Years ago, Dr. Boli would have said that no court would take such a supposed agreement seriously. There can be no agreement when knowing the terms of the agreement is quite literally impossible for any normal human being.

Courts, however, have adapted to the realities of life in the twenty-first century. It is now very likely that a court would agree that you should have known what the terms were, because they were right there for you to click on whenever you liked. You had the choice: you could decide to be a Luddite. But if you have decided to avail yourself of the privilege of existing in a world where an Internet connection is required for anything you desire to accomplish, then you will agree to the conditions, whatever they may be, and if you want your firstborn back you will do it without poking too deeply into the text of those conditions.

Thus we seem to have come to a point where a contract is no longer an agreement between parties, but rather a series of conditions imposed at will upon one person by another person or entity. The technical term for such a relation between parties is slavery, and Dr. Boli recalls that years ago there was some movement to amend the Constitution to prohibit it; but evidently the movement came to nothing.

The answer to our question of what can be done, therefore, is clear. When conditions are imposed unilaterally, one must manage to be the imposer rather than the imposed-upon. Dr. Boli, for example, has drawn up a list of terms and conditions that will be imposed upon any entity expecting to receive on-line payments from him. Curiously, in his version of the contract, the payments all flow toward him rather than away from him. But that is the price these businesses will have to pay for the convenience of doing business with him without having to push a cart up his street (which is, by the way, a very steep street). The alternative for them, of course, would be to admit that they committed perjury when they swore that they had read the terms and conditions thoroughly before continuing with the transaction, and the consequences of that admission might be worse than the consequences of Dr. Boli’s terms and conditions.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: It has become apparent that I am not sane. I say it has become apparent: I mean, of course, that the wallabies told me. I believe implicitly what the wallabies tell me. I am not in fact disappointed: the rest of the world is stark raving mad, so I should fit in very well, for perhaps the first time in my life. The wallabies tell me that this is so, and I have faith that it is.

But what irks me is that, in your article on the Voynich Manuscript, you mentioned several obviously incorrect and even internally inconsistent theories, but you failed to mention that I have solved the puzzle correctly, thus rendering the other theories moot, and you have deprived me of another opportunity to say the word “moot,” which I like to say, moot moot moot moot moot moot moot moot moot moot moot.

The Voynich Manuscript, as I have proved myself, without the help of the wallabies, although they have attempted to claim credit and I have had to be very stern with them, is a coded guide to deciphering the code in the Voynich Manuscript. This explains everything about the Voynich Manuscript. The guide is written in an unbreakable cipher, which you would have to break in order to learn the secret of deciphering the Voynich Manscript, and this is why it has not been deciphered. Thus the book is written in such a way that the knowledge it contains is kept secure from the merely curious; and at the same time it contains the key to its own decipherment, which would be a boon to the discerning reader who likes to say boon boon boon boon boon boon boon boon boon boon boon, except that the key is itself in the same cipher, which renders the boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot boon moot.

And now, if you will excuse me, I have to clean the wallaby run.

——Sincerely, Leominster Taylor Jr. IV.

THINGS WE SIMPLY CANNOT IMPROVE.

The Voynich Manuscript, that wonderfully imaginative botanical treatise whose author, not content with drawing imaginary plants, used imaginary language to describe them, is available in high-resolution scans at the Internet Archive.

It is impossible to improve upon the Voynich Manuscript itself, of course. It is unique; it could not have been improved if someone had strapped Dr. Seuss into a time machine and sent him back six hundred years. But Dr. Boli would really like to draw your attention to the “reviews” on the Archive.org page. Almost every single one has solved the wonderful mystery and unlocked the code, revealing that the manuscript is a treatise on women’s health, a message from the stars, a book of hallucinogenic herbs; the language proves to be proto-Romance, Berber, Scots Gaelic, Macedonian, one of the Landa scripts of Punjab, Syriac, Russian, or Arabic or Farsi or Greek (the reviewer seems to regard these three as more or less interchangeable).

The definiteness of the statements is wonderfully reassuring. Almost every reviewer has found the only possible solution to the puzzle.

“The Book basically describes transpeicies migration. How Fauna based life form migrate from plant to animal – e.i. human life forms.”

“Much of the text is a list of overwhelmingly Finno-Uralic names with some Dutch, Danish, French, and German tossed in now and then.”

“This is the first five books of King James. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. Even though this was wrote 200 years prior.” (For the depth of erudition it displays, this is probably Dr. Boli’s favorite.)

“The algorithm is written on page 116. There is written the at Czech language. Have you found ( algorithm)!!!”

“If you study the history of Landa languages. The character hiding and mixing still happens in business communities in remote villages in Multan in Pakistan, to this day. Please widen your knowledge as I have detailed as much as possible, There is no alternative to this, because this is the truth. All the researchers so far have guessed and fooled public. I want to emphasis this again ‘English does not have these sounds’.”

“completely readable. If one backs up from trying to crack its language you can see that its in three different languages.. one is picture language, 2nd is plant language and third is most important, it is star constellations language.. Its actually telling you a story you are not ready to here..its repeating the same message on every page too..”

You will spend an hour reading these reviews, but it will be an hour well spent. You will know nothing more than you already knew about the Voynich Manuscript, of course, but you will know a great deal more about human psychology than you knew before.

MUSEUM OF THINGS THAT ARE INEXPLICABLY STILL THERE.

CompuServe was, for many computer users in the 1980s, a bright vision of the connected future. You could send electronic mail to a correspondent, who would receive it practically instantly,  or at least the next time he connected to the service, which might be weeks from now, since the connection was quite expensive. You could post messages in discussion groups where other like-minded individuals, which is to say individuals with no lives in the real world, could read them and debate them endlessly. You could download new software that would make your computer do wonderful and exciting things like converting from pounds to kilograms.

And CompuServe is still there. You can find an “About CompuServe” page on the site, where you will learn that the latest version of CompuServe, Version 7, adds “Support for the latest Windows operating system, Windows XP, for greater compatibility.” This will come as good news for those who were wondering whether the time had yet come to upgrade from Windows Me. Yes, the time has come. You will like XP much better.

The CompuServe site is a fascinating time capsule, taking us back to the early days of the century, when it might still be imagined that the Internet could be a kind of added-value option for an on-line service from 1969. What makes the experience all the more surreal is that the site carries today’s news, presented in the same format it might have appeared in back in 2001.