Posts by Dr. Boli

NOW IN PRESS.

Teddy the Tardy Tardigrade, by Teenie Sparkle. Oh no! Teddy the tardigrade is late for school! And he forgot his homework! And there’s a big jelly stain on his school uniform! And an asteroid impact has caused a new ice age and disrupted the atmosphere and raised radiation levels to 500 times normal! Watch Teddy learn the valuable lesson that sometimes saying “I’m sorry” is all it takes to fix everything.

THE NATIONAL JUKEBOX.

Good news from the Library of Congress: the National Jukebox is back on line, now purged of Flash and ready for our brave new HTML5 world. Here, for example, is a recording of utter chaos by the Original Dixieland Jazz Band.

It may amuse listeners to note the “rights advisory”: “Inclusion of the recording in the National Jukebox, courtesy of Sony Music Entertainment.”

Dr. Boli cannot resist a quotation from the United States Constitution, which states that the Congress shall have power

…To promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts, by securing for limited Times to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries.

For the executives of Sony Music Entertainment, Dr. Boli has a question: How much of the profit (which is pure profit) from a 102-year-old recording goes to the author or inventor thereof?

We have only a little more than a year before this recording enters the public domain. We hope Nick LaRocca, Tony Sbarbaro, and the rest of the musicians will not suffer too much when they lose their constitutionally mandated revenues.

CEELBRITY THANKSGIVING MESSAGES.

We asked several well-known public figures to tell us what they were especially thankful for this year. These were their responses.

Miss Una Corda, the notoriously shy concert pianist, is grateful for social distancing and a pandemic that has closed public performance venues for the better part of a year. To maintain proper social distancing, she has made all her YouTube videos private.

Teenie Sparkle, the host of the popular children’s program Sparkle Park, is also grateful for the pandemic, which has kept her studio clear of sniveling brats since March.

Bozar the Clown is grateful for HDMI television cables, which are easily susceptible to a pair of wire-cutters carried in the pocket.

Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious is grateful for the Orrin G. Hatch–Bob Goodlatte Music Modernization Act, and promises a new edition of the recordings of the Original Dixieland Jazz Band with his own improvised lyrics for early 2022.

Poet and novelist Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle is grateful to all the readers who purchased his new free-verse anthology The Dictionary thinking it was something else.

Donald J. Trump is grateful for the presidential Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, is grateful to the Socialist Workers Party for licensing her composition “The Endless Drone” as its inspirational anthem.

WINDOWS ERROR REPORTING.

From the Wikipedia article on Windows Error Reporting:

According to Der Spiegel, the Microsoft crash reporter has been exploited by NSA’s TAO unit to hack into the computers of Mexico’s Secretariat of Public Security. According to the same source, Microsoft crash reports are automatically harvested in NSA’s XKeyscore database, in order to facilitate such operations.

One can imagine the hotshot IT salesperson arriving at the public-security agency of a major developed nation and saying, “I can sell you a very secure software system that will keep your agency running smoothly and your data safe from outside attack.”

One can imagine the prospective client asking, “What operating system does it require?”

One can imagine the hotshot IT salesperson replying, “Windows.”

What one cannot imagine is why the hotshot IT salesperson then makes the sale, instead of being whisked off at once to whatever holding facility they use to torture and interrogate foreign spies too dangerous to be subjected to public trial. Have they no dungeons in Mexico? If not, Dr. Boli can put them in touch with a hotshot dungeon salesperson who can provide them with a complete package.

ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: What is the difference between Religion and Spirituality? —Sincerely, Francis, Pont. Max., &c., &c.

Dear Sir: The distinction, in currently accepted usage, is mostly a matter of practical application. Religion is the belief that there are higher immaterial powers in the universe, and that therefore we must conform our behavior to a certain standard. Spirituality is the belief that there are higher immaterial powers in the universe, and they can be manipulated for personal gain.

GREEN TEA AND OUR HEALTH.

Thank you for purchasing Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea. It is nearly impossible to escape from the fact that natural green tea provides a guarantee for healthier life. Our billboards all over the city are designed specifically to be inescapable. Our Urban Canvassing Agents will round you up and make you read them. You will not escape the Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea Festival of Unsubstantiated Health Claims.

Green Tea and Obesity

With the use of green tea, the metabolic system of the body becomes better. Green tea literally melts away fat, as is proved by our own laboratory experiments in which green tea at proper serving temperature of 180° Fahrenheit was poured over lumps of butter. It is a fact that a diet consisting only of green tea reverses obesity in even the most stubborn cases.

Green Tea and Heart Diseases

Heart disease is the number-one killer of people who die from heart disease. Green tea prevents death from heart disease, as you may demonstrate by asking yourself a simple question: Have you ever personally known anyone who died of heart disease while drinking green tea?

Green Tea and Blood Pressure

Our Urban Canvassing Agents, dressed in plain clothes and scattered throughout the city, are trained to argue the health benefits of green tea for hours if necessary with increasing belligerence. By acquiescing at once, you will lower your blood pressure almost immediately.

Green Tea and Falling Objects

Large bales of Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea, placed properly around and above the subject, have a preventative effect against damage from falling objects.

Green Tea and Cancer

Green tea contains antioxidants, powerful cancer-preventing chemicals. Cancer, according to medical professionals who asked to remain anonymous, is simply a medical term for the body rusting. By consuming the antioxidants in green tea, you will make your body immune to oxidation (cancer). Try it on your car, too.

Green Tea and Death

Death is merely an advanced symptom of the diseases prevented or eliminated by green tea. By drinking green tea at the recommended dosage of three or more cups per day, you will make yourself immune to all diseases, and thus immortal. This is, of course, the goal of Paradise Brands Ltd., as we thrive on repeat business.

From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,

Third Series.

Elevators. The earliest models of elevators were small and used mostly for freight. They were not adopted for passenger use in better hotels and apartment buildings until they could be made large enough to accommodate a small orchestra, a practice that continued until the advent of recorded music made the orchestra redundant.

TWO SLOGANS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER.

Two slogans collected from packaging at a local Indian grocery:

From a package of spicy sweet pastries: “It Can Make You Emotional and Nostalgic”

From a package of Deer brand Kashmiri pink tea: “LET THE BEST ALIGHT YOUR REALM!”