The advertisement for Stanfield’s Unthinkable Underwear in Thursday’s Dispatch was incorrect. It should have read “Stanfield’s Unshrinkable Underwear.” The Dispatch regrets the error, but not half as much as the late Assistant Director of Advertising does.

Hey there! Long time no see! Remember us, the guys at Rudy Rooter Plumbing? You haven’t called us in a while. Well, here’s some encouragement: mention this ad, and we’ll give you $75 off your next clog! You’d be a fool to miss a bargain like this! So go into the bathroom and clog something, because we miss you.

John Cage: 4′33″, performed by the Imperial Banjo Orchestra. Consistently the Orchestra’s most-requested feature. In this exciting recording, the virtuoso musicians of the IBO perform Cage’s seminal work in a record-breaking two minutes and forty-eight seconds.

NOTICE: The Padre Pio Educational Foundation would like to alert the faithful that the Padre Pio Devotional Bobblehead currently being sold in Metro Mart stores nationwide is not officially authorized by the Foundation, and no indulgences are associated with its use. Only official PPEF-licensed bobbleheads are canonically indulgenced. To obtain an officially licensed and indulgenced Padre Pio bobblehead, visit the Foundation’s headquarters at 182½ Brackenridge Avenue (upstairs), and ask for Marty.

Two slogans collected from packaging at a local Indian grocery:

From a package of spicy sweet pastries: “It Can Make You Emotional and Nostalgic”

From a package of Deer brand Kashmiri pink tea: “LET THE BEST ALIGHT YOUR REALM!”