Posts filed under “Advertisements”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on November 28, 2023. 2 comments.

Tonight on Yohogania Custard-Pie Theater: The Council of Ephesus. A faithful reenactment of this dramatic chapter in ecclesiastical history, featuring custard pies.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on November 22, 2023. No comments.

Miss Crink for dictator. In today’s uncertain political landscape, it is clear that order is of all things the most necessary and desirable. From her forty-six years as a teacher of the third grade at Blandville Elementary, Miss Crink understands the principles of order and knows how to create and maintain it by enforcing the two fundamental rules of orderly behavior: (1) Sit down, and (2) Shut up. As dictator of the United States, Miss Crink will apply those principles on a national scale, bringing peace and quiet at last so that a body can hear herself think. Don’t wait for election day! Choose Miss Crink for your dictator now by forming an orderly mob, single-file, with no chewing gum, and marching on your local federal building. And for mercy’s sake, raise your hand if you have to go to the bathroom.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on November 19, 2023. One comment.

The perfect pair: Brenneman’s pasteurized process cheese food product and Runcible prepared potted meat food product. Why not enjoy them between two slices of Beatty’s leavened baked grain food product?

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Posted by Dr. Boli on November 14, 2023. One comment.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on November 10, 2023. 2 comments.

Your rhetorical questions answered! Here are some free samples:
Yes, you are alone in thinking that. If you like, you can imagine that it makes you special.
No, you are not your brother’s keeper, but it wouldn’t kill you to look in on him once in a while.
That guy over there with the checked shirt is so vile that he will not love his country. Thank you for asking.
Some people can exist 87 years before they’re allowed to be free (taking the span between the Declaration of Independence and the Emanci-pation Proclamation as canonical).
Yes, this is the best ad we could come up with.
If you enjoyed these free samples, why not bring your rhetorical questions to us? Do you have anything better to do this afternoon? What have you got to lose?

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Posted by Dr. Boli on November 7, 2023. One comment.

Through no fault of their own, many of the poor and homeless suffer from dull, lifeless hair. Give generously to the Brenneman’s Free Hair Care Fund at your place of employment. Every $20 donation gives a homeless beggar’s hair a silky, lustrous shine.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on October 30, 2023. 2 comments.

Building a home, office block, or cathedral? Swedish architectural crispbread is 43 per cent harder than brick and more environmentally friendly than concrete.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on October 12, 2023. 6 comments.

We hit you on the head with a mallet: Back in 1867, our founder, Cyrus K. Hammerkopf, started this business with nothing but a dream and a quarter-million dollars he had inherited from his Aunt Lucinda. His dream was to create the finest hit-you-on-the-head-with-a-mallet service in the world, with no corners cut and a religious devotion to customer service. Today our numerous imitators are sincere testimony to the perfection of the Hammerkopf method, but no imitator can match the 167 years of experience that go into every genuine Hammerkopf hit-you-on-the-head-with-a-mallet experience.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on September 29, 2023. 2 comments.

Justify your existence. Millionaire patron is willing to pay living wage to any subject who can justify his or her existence in a 500-word essay. Said millionaire being of the opinion that the human race is a complete washout, the essay will have to be more convincing than the 1,723 such essays he has received so far. Successful applicant will appeal to patron’s better nature, thus proving to patron that he has one, which he doubts. Send essay with $1,000 application fee to Cynical Millionaire care of this Magazine.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on September 20, 2023. 5 comments.

Make pancakes in the shape of departed loved ones with Bowman’s Memorial Pancake Forms. Crafted to order by Amish artisans.