Posts filed under “General Knowledge”

CEELBRITY THANKSGIVING MESSAGES.

We asked several well-known public figures to tell us what they were especially thankful for this year. These were their responses.

Miss Una Corda, the notoriously shy concert pianist, is grateful for social distancing and a pandemic that has closed public performance venues for the better part of a year. To maintain proper social distancing, she has made all her YouTube videos private.

Teenie Sparkle, the host of the popular children’s program Sparkle Park, is also grateful for the pandemic, which has kept her studio clear of sniveling brats since March.

Bozar the Clown is grateful for HDMI television cables, which are easily susceptible to a pair of wire-cutters carried in the pocket.

Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious is grateful for the Orrin G. Hatch–Bob Goodlatte Music Modernization Act, and promises a new edition of the recordings of the Original Dixieland Jazz Band with his own improvised lyrics for early 2022.

Poet and novelist Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle is grateful to all the readers who purchased his new free-verse anthology The Dictionary thinking it was something else.

Donald J. Trump is grateful for the presidential Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, is grateful to the Socialist Workers Party for licensing her composition “The Endless Drone” as its inspirational anthem.

WINDOWS ERROR REPORTING.

From the Wikipedia article on Windows Error Reporting:

According to Der Spiegel, the Microsoft crash reporter has been exploited by NSA’s TAO unit to hack into the computers of Mexico’s Secretariat of Public Security. According to the same source, Microsoft crash reports are automatically harvested in NSA’s XKeyscore database, in order to facilitate such operations.

One can imagine the hotshot IT salesperson arriving at the public-security agency of a major developed nation and saying, “I can sell you a very secure software system that will keep your agency running smoothly and your data safe from outside attack.”

One can imagine the prospective client asking, “What operating system does it require?”

One can imagine the hotshot IT salesperson replying, “Windows.”

What one cannot imagine is why the hotshot IT salesperson then makes the sale, instead of being whisked off at once to whatever holding facility they use to torture and interrogate foreign spies too dangerous to be subjected to public trial. Have they no dungeons in Mexico? If not, Dr. Boli can put them in touch with a hotshot dungeon salesperson who can provide them with a complete package.

ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: What is the difference between Religion and Spirituality? —Sincerely, Francis, Pont. Max., &c., &c.

Dear Sir: The distinction, in currently accepted usage, is mostly a matter of practical application. Religion is the belief that there are higher immaterial powers in the universe, and that therefore we must conform our behavior to a certain standard. Spirituality is the belief that there are higher immaterial powers in the universe, and they can be manipulated for personal gain.

ENGLISH MAJORS…

From the author bio below a little technical article:

Daisy

Position: Columnist

She was graduated from the major in English. She has been the MiniTool editor since she was graduated from university. She specializes in writing articles about backing up data & systems, cloning disks, and syncing files, etc. She is also good at writing articles about computer knowledge and computer issues. In daily life, she likes running and going to the amusement park with friends to play some exciting items.

OTHER VOTING SYSTEMS.

Americans tend to assume that our first-past-the-post voting system is simply the way democracy is done. Some other countries, however, have developed more nuanced methods of deciding the outcome of their elections.

In the Most Serene Republic of San Marino, if no candidate receives a majority of the votes, the Captains Regent are empowered to rule by decree until a winner is decided by a torta-eating contest.

In Malawi, the winning candidate is the one who accumulates the largest number of Facebook friends.

In New Zealand, a certain number of seats in parliament are set aside for representatives of the people who like their French fries with mayonnaise rather than ketchup.

In North Korea, good feeling and decent order prevail, and each candidate is elected by a supermajority of 110%.

In France, if no candidate receives a majority of the votes, the top three candidates are subjected to an examination on deconstructionist literary theory, with the office going to the one who most successfully deconstructs the examination.

In Russia, the election is traditionally awarded to the candidate who is not lying in a bloody heap on the sidewalk.

In Canada, elections are no longer held; instead, candidates are chosen by the rock-paper-scissors method.

RANKS OF NOBILITY.

Empress of the Blues

King Oliver

Duke Ellington

Earl Hines

Count Basie

King of Jazz
(N.B. This item is not misplaced.)

Sam, the Accordion Man

Blue Barron

HOW TO WASH YOUR HANDS.

Because today is Global Handwashing Day, we are running this useful feature again, which we humbly dedicate to St. Pontius Pilate.

1. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

2. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

3. Discard the first paper towel, but not the second paper towel.

4. Using the second paper towel, turn on the faucet.

5. Adjust the water temperature so that it is warm but not scalding. This may take some practice, so allow 15 or 20 minutes.

6. Discard the second paper towel.

7. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

8. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

9. Discard the third paper towel, but not the fourth paper towel.

10. Using the fourth paper towel, push the button on the soap dispenser repeatedly.

11. We should have told you to hold your other hand under the soap dispenser, so kick the soap off your shoe and try again, this time holding your other hand under the soap dispenser.

12. Discard the fourth paper towel.

13. Rub your hands briskly under the warm water for the length of time it takes to sing “Chinnin’ and Chattin’ with May.” If you do not know the song “Chinnin’ and Chattin’ with May,” send $5 in unmarked bills to the United Paper Towel Manufacturing Corp., Hays, for the complete authorized sheet music.

14. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

15. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

16. Discard the fifth paper towel, but not the sixth paper towel.

17. Using the sixth paper towel, turn off the faucet.

18. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

19. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

20. Discard the seventh paper towel, but not the eighth paper towel.

21. Using the eighth paper towel, push the button on the United brand forced-air hand-drying machine.

22. Discard the eighth paper towel.

23. Rub your hands briskly and ostentatiously under the United brand forced-air hand-drying machine.

24. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

25. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

26. Discard the ninth paper towel, but not the tenth paper towel.

27. Using the tenth paper towel, dry your hands.

These instructions provided courtesy of the United Paper Towel Manufacturing Corp., Hays.

A PESSIMISTIC SIGN.

average-cost-of-cremation

DuckDuckGo likes to promote itself as the search engine that does not track or “bubble” users; so, if Dr. Boli understands the principle correctly, these suggested search completions should be based solely on what average DuckDuckGo users are searching for the most.