Posts filed under “Press Clippings”
DONALD TRUMP SUES AMERICA FOR $1.3 TRILLION.
Asserting that Americans have been “systematically belittling and degrading” him, Mr. Donald Trump has filed suit against the citizens of the United States of America for intentional infliction of emotional distress.
According to Mr. Trump’s attorney, Otto Teufelsklave, the entire population of the United States, “or a significant portion thereof,” has been making fun of Mr. Trump on Facebook, on Twitter, and even on blogs.
The suit asks for damages in the amount of $1.3 trillion.
“The number of persons who have participated in this behavior is shocking,” said Mr. Teufelsklave. “It is time Americans learned that Donald Trump, at least, will hold them responsible for their actions. Furthermore, even those persons who did not personally belittle Mr. Trump had the responsibility to prevent or report acts of belittlement.”
If Mr. Trump wins the suit, each American citizen will owe him approximately $4,333.34, according to a fourth-grade arithmetic teacher consulted by the Dispatch.
As an incentive to “do the right thing,” however, Mr. Trump has instructed his lawyer to deduct 10% from the amount of damages if Mr. Trump is nominated as the Republican candidate for president, and 20% if he wins the general election.
Mr. Donald Trump did not accuse all Frisians of being genetically inferior to rhesus monkeys, according to a statement from the Trump campaign. His remarks, as reported in the Dispatch, were taken out of context, and the Dispatch has been assured that in context they were courteous and complimentary to the great Frisian people who have contributed so much to our civilization. Furthermore, Mr. Trump did not threaten to disembowel the Dispatch reporter and dismember her entire family and feed them all to crocodiles. According to the Trump campaign, those remarks came not from Mr. Trump but from his lawyer, who meant them in the technical legal sense.
Sir: Your editorial entitled “More Research Needed on CPT” strongly implies that, as you put it in so many words, “the jury is still out” on the benefits of Cranial Percussion Therapy. This demonstrates an almost incredible level of ignorance about the origin and history of CPT. Unlike Western so-called medicine, CPT has been trusted and applied for thousands of years in ancient cultures all over the world. It has a proven millennia-long record of success that no supposedly “scientific” treatment can match. Every mother who has ever taken it upon herself to smack some sense into her child has administered CPT in its most ancient and therefore most effective form, making a record of literally billions of case studies unmatched by any other therapy.
Clearly your editorial writers are in the pay of the multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical industry, whose profits are threatened whenever a simple alternative to expensive chemicals enters the popular consciousness. Most humans are gifted with two good hands, which the benevolent Creator clearly designed for the effective administration of CPT. For stubborn cases, good stout sticks are easily found in any patch of woodland, where their very abundance shows that Nature intended them to be taken up and used. These tools are freely available, and need only a properly licensed Cranial Percussion Therapist to administer the treatment at $429.95 per twenty-minute session. That is why the profit-motivated pharmaceutico-medical industry fights CPT tooth and nail.
Yet somehow I expect better from a paper of the Dispatch’s glorious history and once-sterling reputation. It disappoints me that even your paper, which fearlessly uncovered and reported the great Styrofoam-cup procurement scandal in the prothonotary’s office in 1975, would swallow the treacle doled out by the evil drug lords who control our allopathic medical establishment. I don’t know who this “jury” of yours is, or why they would still be “out” on an issue where the truth is so clear as to be undebatable, but it’s perfectly obvious that they could all use a good smacking.
Raymond Purblind Oxenfarmer,
A man was admitted to Woodville State Hospital for observation after police picked him up wandering the streets of Beltzhoover in the early-morning hours “making sounds like a werewolf or coyote,” according to police reports. The man, who was not named pending notification of next of kin, appears to be a student at Point Park University. According to a man claiming to be the patient’s roommate, the patient had been a volunteer Wikipedia editor, and had spent several days on a project to add grammatically appropriate definite articles in the sections on Russian history when “something snapped.”