Posts filed under “Press Clippings”

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: My daughter Chamaecrista came home from school last week and told me her math teacher said they were going to use Arabic numerals for everything in math class.

Well, I guess the terrorists have won. Good old American numbers were just fine when I was growing up, but I guess now the Islamofascist socialist Nazis on the school board want our kids to learn to hate America and everything it stands for.

Wake up, people! Can’t you see that getting Arabic numerals into our classrooms was just a dry run? If we didn’t object, then those Arabs would come at us with their “algebra” and other unnatural perversions. That’s what happens when you let down your guard for an instant.

Fortunately the school principal is my brother-in-law Alf, so I went straight to him, and he agreed to send that teacher straight to a detention camp in Guantanamo Bay. Of course, after her lawyer got involved, it somehow got changed to early retirement with full pay and a masseur named Bjorn in a beachfront cottage in the U. S. Virgin Islands, but that’s lawyers for you. The important thing was that we showed her the terrorists can’t win. Not while I’m around.

——Sincerely, James XIV, Legitimate King of England of the House of Stuart

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: Do you remember how, when we were young, the world was full of love and laughter and brightness and irresponsible joy? Now we are old, and the world is full of pain and illness and bills and worry. From this observation, we can draw only one conclusion: the world is much worse now than it was when we were young. Somehow the world has lost its brightness and laughter and filled up with pain and darkness. Clearly the government is to blame.

So why are the seemingly dozens of presidential candidates infesting our country not talking about the one issue that affects everyone in their generation? Why has not a single candidate gone on the record unequivocally as in favor of joy and against pain? Why has not one stood up to say, “In my administration, there will be no arthritis, and tooth decay will be outlawed”? Where is the candidate who has the courage to promise an end to worry?

As a citizen, I expect my government to provide for my needs. Right now what I need is some cheering up. I demand a hearing from the current crop of presidential candidates. Which one of them will put on a clown suit and fall off a unicycle? Which one will give us a champagne-and-croquet party on his front lawn? Which one will make rainbows light up the sky while pink flower petals drift lazily to the ground? That is the candidate who will have my vote.

——Sincerely, Alain-Yves-Pierre Roulon de la Baguette, Windgap.

WE HAVE ELVIS IMPERSONATORS, AND SCOTLAND…

…has Sir Walter Scott impersonators.

That was the thing that was most delightful to Dr. Boli about this news story: it is a fine thing that the Borders will have passenger rail service again, but the fact that there are Sir Walter Scott impersonators, and that they are so ordinary as not to excite any remark or explanation in the story itself, fills him with a warm glow.

COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

Come to the St. Britney Parish Festival for the usual artery-clogging fried foods, drunken teenagers, atrocious local cover bands, and rigged games. This year’s theme is “Celebrating the Virtue of Honesty.” On Friday at 7 p.m. we’ll have a ceremony marking the official adoption of our new parish mission statement: “We don’t just have a mission. We have a mission statement.

Brackenridge Avenue will be closed between Bland Street and the cliff while a crew from the Yohogania Electric Light Company attempts to repair the water main. The foreman of the crew says that it will give his workers a nice change from being up in those bucket things all day, and anyway they couldn’t possibly do a worse job of it than the guys from the water company.

Police have issued a warning to all residents of our community to be on the alert for a scam in which two men dressed in police uniforms visit offices of local publications and attempt to warn them about a scam of some sort. Police could not say what the motive of the two men might be.

With the first day of school just around the corner, Blandville Elementary School reminds parents that all students are required to have a Number 2 pencil. Any student bringing a Number 1 or Number 3 pencil to school will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

State Representative Letitia Wangle has asked us to announce that her satellite office on Bland Street does not provide actual satellites to constituents. Apparently some of you were confused about that.

IN THE NEWS.

Vandals broke into the still-unfinished Tower Two-Sixty condominium on Forbes Avenue and installed a tastefully carved mahogany railing on the mezzanine level.

This is the thirty-eighth time the construction site has been vandalized since building began, starting with the surreptitious erection of two large Ionic columns shortly after the groundbreaking.

According to police reports, each act of vandalism has been accompanied by a note or “screed” with what officers described as “incoherent rantings about ‘beauty’ and ‘proportion.’”

The notes are variously signed Arzbo, Zorba, Brazo, Zorab, Orbaz, Broaz, Robaz, Orzab, Boraz, and Daniel Burnham, among other names.

Police have not made any arrests, but a source (speaking on condition of anonymity) told the Dispatch that they have a suspect in mind.

IN THE NEWS.

Photo by Michael Vadon, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license.

DONALD TRUMP SUES AMERICA FOR $1.3 TRILLION.

Asserting that Americans have been “systematically belittling and degrading” him, Mr. Donald Trump has filed suit against the citizens of the United States of America for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

According to Mr. Trump’s attorney, Otto Teufelsklave, the entire population of the United States, “or a significant portion thereof,” has been making fun of Mr. Trump on Facebook, on Twitter, and even on blogs.

The suit asks for damages in the amount of $1.3 trillion.

“The number of persons who have participated in this behavior is shocking,” said Mr. Teufelsklave. “It is time Americans learned that Donald Trump, at least, will hold them responsible for their actions. Furthermore, even those persons who did not personally belittle Mr. Trump had the responsibility to prevent or report acts of belittlement.”

If Mr. Trump wins the suit, each American citizen will owe him approximately $4,333.34, according to a fourth-grade arithmetic teacher consulted by the Dispatch.

As an incentive to “do the right thing,” however, Mr. Trump has instructed his lawyer to deduct 10% from the amount of damages if Mr. Trump is nominated as the Republican candidate for president, and 20% if he wins the general election.

 

CORRECTION.

Mr. Donald Trump did not accuse all Frisians of being genetically inferior to rhesus monkeys, according to a statement from the Trump campaign. His remarks, as reported in the Dispatch, were taken out of context, and the Dispatch has been assured that in context they were courteous and complimentary to the great Frisian people who have contributed so much to our civilization. Furthermore, Mr. Trump did not threaten to disembowel the Dispatch reporter and dismember her entire family and feed them all to crocodiles. According to the Trump campaign, those remarks came not from Mr. Trump but from his lawyer, who meant them in the technical legal sense.