Posts filed under “Press Clippings”

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: Do you remember how, when we were young, the world was full of love and laughter and brightness and irresponsible joy? Now we are old, and the world is full of pain and illness and bills and worry. From this observation, we can draw only one conclusion: the world is much worse now than it was when we were young. Somehow the world has lost its brightness and laughter and filled up with pain and darkness. Clearly the government is to blame.

So why are the seemingly dozens of presidential candidates infesting our country not talking about the one issue that affects everyone in their generation? Why has not a single candidate gone on the record unequivocally as in favor of joy and against pain? Why has not one stood up to say, “In my administration, there will be no arthritis, and tooth decay will be outlawed”? Where is the candidate who has the courage to promise an end to worry?

As a citizen, I expect my government to provide for my needs. Right now what I need is some cheering up. I demand a hearing from the current crop of presidential candidates. Which one of them will put on a clown suit and fall off a unicycle? Which one will give us a champagne-and-croquet party on his front lawn? Which one will make rainbows light up the sky while pink flower petals drift lazily to the ground? That is the candidate who will have my vote.

——Sincerely, Alain-Yves-Pierre Roulon de la Baguette, Windgap.

WE HAVE ELVIS IMPERSONATORS, AND SCOTLAND…

…has Sir Walter Scott impersonators.

That was the thing that was most delightful to Dr. Boli about this news story: it is a fine thing that the Borders will have passenger rail service again, but the fact that there are Sir Walter Scott impersonators, and that they are so ordinary as not to excite any remark or explanation in the story itself, fills him with a warm glow.

COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

Come to the St. Britney Parish Festival for the usual artery-clogging fried foods, drunken teenagers, atrocious local cover bands, and rigged games. This year’s theme is “Celebrating the Virtue of Honesty.” On Friday at 7 p.m. we’ll have a ceremony marking the official adoption of our new parish mission statement: “We don’t just have a mission. We have a mission statement.

Brackenridge Avenue will be closed between Bland Street and the cliff while a crew from the Yohogania Electric Light Company attempts to repair the water main. The foreman of the crew says that it will give his workers a nice change from being up in those bucket things all day, and anyway they couldn’t possibly do a worse job of it than the guys from the water company.

Police have issued a warning to all residents of our community to be on the alert for a scam in which two men dressed in police uniforms visit offices of local publications and attempt to warn them about a scam of some sort. Police could not say what the motive of the two men might be.

With the first day of school just around the corner, Blandville Elementary School reminds parents that all students are required to have a Number 2 pencil. Any student bringing a Number 1 or Number 3 pencil to school will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

State Representative Letitia Wangle has asked us to announce that her satellite office on Bland Street does not provide actual satellites to constituents. Apparently some of you were confused about that.

IN THE NEWS.

Vandals broke into the still-unfinished Tower Two-Sixty condominium on Forbes Avenue and installed a tastefully carved mahogany railing on the mezzanine level.

This is the thirty-eighth time the construction site has been vandalized since building began, starting with the surreptitious erection of two large Ionic columns shortly after the groundbreaking.

According to police reports, each act of vandalism has been accompanied by a note or “screed” with what officers described as “incoherent rantings about ‘beauty’ and ‘proportion.’”

The notes are variously signed Arzbo, Zorba, Brazo, Zorab, Orbaz, Broaz, Robaz, Orzab, Boraz, and Daniel Burnham, among other names.

Police have not made any arrests, but a source (speaking on condition of anonymity) told the Dispatch that they have a suspect in mind.

IN THE NEWS.

Photo by Michael Vadon, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license.

DONALD TRUMP SUES AMERICA FOR $1.3 TRILLION.

Asserting that Americans have been “systematically belittling and degrading” him, Mr. Donald Trump has filed suit against the citizens of the United States of America for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

According to Mr. Trump’s attorney, Otto Teufelsklave, the entire population of the United States, “or a significant portion thereof,” has been making fun of Mr. Trump on Facebook, on Twitter, and even on blogs.

The suit asks for damages in the amount of $1.3 trillion.

“The number of persons who have participated in this behavior is shocking,” said Mr. Teufelsklave. “It is time Americans learned that Donald Trump, at least, will hold them responsible for their actions. Furthermore, even those persons who did not personally belittle Mr. Trump had the responsibility to prevent or report acts of belittlement.”

If Mr. Trump wins the suit, each American citizen will owe him approximately $4,333.34, according to a fourth-grade arithmetic teacher consulted by the Dispatch.

As an incentive to “do the right thing,” however, Mr. Trump has instructed his lawyer to deduct 10% from the amount of damages if Mr. Trump is nominated as the Republican candidate for president, and 20% if he wins the general election.

 

CORRECTION.

Mr. Donald Trump did not accuse all Frisians of being genetically inferior to rhesus monkeys, according to a statement from the Trump campaign. His remarks, as reported in the Dispatch, were taken out of context, and the Dispatch has been assured that in context they were courteous and complimentary to the great Frisian people who have contributed so much to our civilization. Furthermore, Mr. Trump did not threaten to disembowel the Dispatch reporter and dismember her entire family and feed them all to crocodiles. According to the Trump campaign, those remarks came not from Mr. Trump but from his lawyer, who meant them in the technical legal sense.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: Your editorial entitled “More Research Needed on CPT” strongly implies that, as you put it in so many words, “the jury is still out” on the benefits of Cranial Percussion Therapy. This demonstrates an almost incredible level of ignorance about the origin and history of CPT. Unlike Western so-called medicine, CPT has been trusted and applied for thousands of years in ancient cultures all over the world. It has a proven millennia-long record of success that no supposedly “scientific” treatment can match. Every mother who has ever taken it upon herself to smack some sense into her child has administered CPT in its most ancient and therefore most effective form, making a record of literally billions of case studies unmatched by any other therapy.

Clearly your editorial writers are in the pay of the multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical industry, whose profits are threatened whenever a simple alternative to expensive chemicals enters the popular consciousness. Most humans are gifted with two good hands, which the benevolent Creator clearly designed for the effective administration of CPT. For stubborn cases, good stout sticks are easily found in any patch of woodland, where their very abundance shows that Nature intended them to be taken up and used. These tools are freely available, and need only a properly licensed Cranial Percussion Therapist to administer the treatment at $429.95 per twenty-minute session. That is why the profit-motivated pharmaceutico-medical industry fights CPT tooth and nail.

Yet somehow I expect better from a paper of the Dispatch’s glorious history and once-sterling reputation. It disappoints me that even your paper, which fearlessly uncovered and reported the great Styrofoam-cup procurement scandal in the prothonotary’s office in 1975, would swallow the treacle doled out by the evil drug lords who control our allopathic medical establishment. I don’t know who this “jury” of yours is, or why they would still be “out” on an issue where the truth is so clear as to be undebatable, but it’s perfectly obvious that they could all use a good smacking.

Sincerely,
Raymond Purblind Oxenfarmer,
Baldwin Township

IN THE NEWS.

A man was admitted to Woodville State Hospital for observation after police picked him up wandering the streets of Beltzhoover in the early-morning hours “making sounds like a werewolf or coyote,” according to police reports. The man, who was not named pending notification of next of kin, appears to be a student at Point Park University. According to a man claiming to be the patient’s roommate, the patient had been a volunteer Wikipedia editor, and had spent several days on a project to add grammatically appropriate definite articles in the sections on Russian history when “something snapped.”