Posts filed under “Press Clippings”

IN THE NEWS.

Photo by Michael Vadon, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license.

DONALD TRUMP SUES AMERICA FOR $1.3 TRILLION.

Asserting that Americans have been “systematically belittling and degrading” him, Mr. Donald Trump has filed suit against the citizens of the United States of America for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

According to Mr. Trump’s attorney, Otto Teufelsklave, the entire population of the United States, “or a significant portion thereof,” has been making fun of Mr. Trump on Facebook, on Twitter, and even on blogs.

The suit asks for damages in the amount of $1.3 trillion.

“The number of persons who have participated in this behavior is shocking,” said Mr. Teufelsklave. “It is time Americans learned that Donald Trump, at least, will hold them responsible for their actions. Furthermore, even those persons who did not personally belittle Mr. Trump had the responsibility to prevent or report acts of belittlement.”

If Mr. Trump wins the suit, each American citizen will owe him approximately $4,333.34, according to a fourth-grade arithmetic teacher consulted by the Dispatch.

As an incentive to “do the right thing,” however, Mr. Trump has instructed his lawyer to deduct 10% from the amount of damages if Mr. Trump is nominated as the Republican candidate for president, and 20% if he wins the general election.

 

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CORRECTION.

Mr. Donald Trump did not accuse all Frisians of being genetically inferior to rhesus monkeys, according to a statement from the Trump campaign. His remarks, as reported in the Dispatch, were taken out of context, and the Dispatch has been assured that in context they were courteous and complimentary to the great Frisian people who have contributed so much to our civilization. Furthermore, Mr. Trump did not threaten to disembowel the Dispatch reporter and dismember her entire family and feed them all to crocodiles. According to the Trump campaign, those remarks came not from Mr. Trump but from his lawyer, who meant them in the technical legal sense.

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LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: Your editorial entitled “More Research Needed on CPT” strongly implies that, as you put it in so many words, “the jury is still out” on the benefits of Cranial Percussion Therapy. This demonstrates an almost incredible level of ignorance about the origin and history of CPT. Unlike Western so-called medicine, CPT has been trusted and applied for thousands of years in ancient cultures all over the world. It has a proven millennia-long record of success that no supposedly “scientific” treatment can match. Every mother who has ever taken it upon herself to smack some sense into her child has administered CPT in its most ancient and therefore most effective form, making a record of literally billions of case studies unmatched by any other therapy.

Clearly your editorial writers are in the pay of the multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical industry, whose profits are threatened whenever a simple alternative to expensive chemicals enters the popular consciousness. Most humans are gifted with two good hands, which the benevolent Creator clearly designed for the effective administration of CPT. For stubborn cases, good stout sticks are easily found in any patch of woodland, where their very abundance shows that Nature intended them to be taken up and used. These tools are freely available, and need only a properly licensed Cranial Percussion Therapist to administer the treatment at $429.95 per twenty-minute session. That is why the profit-motivated pharmaceutico-medical industry fights CPT tooth and nail.

Yet somehow I expect better from a paper of the Dispatch’s glorious history and once-sterling reputation. It disappoints me that even your paper, which fearlessly uncovered and reported the great Styrofoam-cup procurement scandal in the prothonotary’s office in 1975, would swallow the treacle doled out by the evil drug lords who control our allopathic medical establishment. I don’t know who this “jury” of yours is, or why they would still be “out” on an issue where the truth is so clear as to be undebatable, but it’s perfectly obvious that they could all use a good smacking.

Sincerely,
Raymond Purblind Oxenfarmer,
Baldwin Township

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IN THE NEWS.

A man was admitted to Woodville State Hospital for observation after police picked him up wandering the streets of Beltzhoover in the early-morning hours “making sounds like a werewolf or coyote,” according to police reports. The man, who was not named pending notification of next of kin, appears to be a student at Point Park University. According to a man claiming to be the patient’s roommate, the patient had been a volunteer Wikipedia editor, and had spent several days on a project to add grammatically appropriate definite articles in the sections on Russian history when “something snapped.”

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DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.

It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.

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IN THE NEWS.

In a completely unexpected development, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole this morning and saw the shadow of your smile.

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SCIENTISTS SEQUENCE 45,000-YEAR-OLD HUMAN GENOME.

Transcribed from the interview broadcast on the North American Public Radio news magazine Taking It All in All.

TIAIA. We’re here in the Vanderblock-Wheedle Paleontological Genetics Laboratory with Professor Orion F. X. Filter from Duck Hollow University’s Department of Paleontological Genetics. You can’t see, of course, but Professor Filter is wearing a lab coat, which is all the proof we need that he’s a top scientist in his field. Thank you for joining us, Professor.

Prof. Filter. It’s a pleasure, Thea, especially if you keep feeding me pfefferneusse.

TIAIA. So, um, one question before we start. Is that—um—is that blood on your lab coat?

Prof. Filter. It’s not easy being a top genetic paleontologist, you know!

TIAIA. No, of course not.

Prof. Filter. It’s not all skeer and bittles in the laboratory! It’s hard work, day after day, sometimes till twenty after five!

TIAIA. Yes, certainly.

Prof. Filter. So a man’s got to have some fun once in a while. Next question.

TIAIA. Okay, so, um, tell us how you discovered the genetic material that you managed to sequence.

Prof. Filter. Ah! That’s a very amusing story. We were on a dig, the team and I, and Dot—that’s Dr. Dorothy Pounding, Ph.D., another one of our professors here at our stellar Paleontological Genetics department—so Dot was, like, about fifteen feet away, and she said, “Hey, look at all this genetic material lying around here.” And that’s how it all began.

TIAIA. So how did you recognize that what you found would be the sort of genetic material you were looking for?

Prof. Filter. Well, I think the best thing to do is to show you the material. Have a look on the counter. No, that’s lunch. I mean this counter.

TIAIA. It looks like a bunch of dirty rocks.

Prof. Filter. Exactly. In those primitive days, hunter-gatherers had to hand-craft their own genomes out of stone. They couldn’t just buy one at the Metro Mart the way we do today.

TIAIA. So you say these rocks are, um, the genome.

Prof. Filter. That’s right.

TIAIA. And, um, how did you sequence it?

Prof. Filter. Good question! You see the scratch marks on this piece here?

TIAIA. It looks like a three.

Prof. Filter. It is a 3, yes. So if we take this rock as our starting point, then we find another rock that has a 2 scratched on it, and we put that on the left, as you see we’ve done here. Then we find a rock with a 4 on it, and—

TIAIA. And you put it on the right?

Prof. Filter. Exactly. And we go on down the list, just like that.

TIAIA. And you have the genome sequenced.

Prof. Filter. Well, no, then we have to do it again, because genes come in pairs, you know. So we have to make this second row up here.

TIAIA. And how long did this sequencing take you?

Prof. Filter. Well, as you see, this primitive genome has eighteen genetic pairs, so I’d say that doing the whole sequence, both strands, took about six and a half minutes. Maybe seven.

TIAIA. But how did the hunter-gatherers of 45,000 years ago know Arabic numerals?

Prof. Filter. You think it’s easy being a paleontological geneticist?

TIAIA. Well, no, of course not, but it’s just that—

Prof. Filter. It’s not, you know. You have to know all kinds of stuff. One of the things you have to know is how to recognize a number when you see it.

TIAIA. But Arabic numerals didn’t really exist till about the year 500, right? So—

Prof. Filter. I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore. You come in here and act like you’re some sort of math expert. Do you know how much math I had to study in genetics? I had to learn how to count up to eighteen.

TIAIA. But, I mean, numbered rocks—

Prof. Filter. I’m sorry, but I’m busy. I have lunch waiting for me on the counter.

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CARNAGE AMONG THE GIANT INFLATABLES.

Pittsburgh (Special to the Dispatch).—At a press conference, the Rev. Bob-Bob Lee has attributed high winds headed for the Pittsburgh area tonight to divine wrath.

A wind storm, produced by a powerful cold front sweeping across the Middle West on its way to the Eastern Seaboard, has destroyed more than $37 worth of giant inflatable Christmas decorations, according to news reports. In his statement, the Rev. Bob-Bob explained that the high winds were divine retribution against the pagan symbols of Santa Claus, reindeer, Christmas trees, and quarterbacks (unless they wear black and gold).

A number of Nativity scenes have also been damaged by wind gusts in excess of 50 miles per hour, but the Rev. Bob-Bob attributed that damage to terrorists sent by President Obama in support of his pagan socialist Islamofascist agenda. “Raul Castro may also be involved,” Lee added.

The National Weather Service has issued a Wind Advisory weather product for Pittsburgh this evening, and has warned all pagan socialist Islamofascists in the area to take steps to protect their yard decorations.

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IN THE NEWS.

VATICAN AGHAST AS SAME ‘NEWLY DISCOVERED GOSPEL’ STORY MAKES 1,362nd CONSECUTIVE TOUR OF FACEBOOK

A purported news story about a “1500-year-old Bible” that supposedly disproves the historical basis of the Christian religion has caused the Vatican to question its entire theology.

“We want to believe that every human being is made in the image of God, a brother of Christ, with a uniquely valuable mind,” said Philip Cardinal Mbako of the Office of Media and Scribal Relations. “But, honestly, if you rubes keep falling for this thing over and over, it really shakes our faith in humanity.”

The Gospel of Barnabas, the book supposedly discovered recently in Turkey, is a well-known apocryphal Christian writing “that any moron can look up in Wikipedia,” according to Cardinal Mbako.

“If an older manuscript has been discovered, well, yippee,” the cardinal explained. “But come on, people, dates! If it’s 1500 years old, just exactly how does it ‘disprove’ the 1900-year-old Gospels? Jeepers. Some people have tapioca for brains.”

The cardinal then muttered something in Italian or Nigerian or some language that this reporter did not understand, followed by a request to “pardon my French,” although it did not sound like French.

“If people keep sending idiotic stories like this around and around on the Internet, then maybe there just is no redeeming most of you twits,” Cardinal Mbako stated. “I swear, it’s enough to make me turn Presbyterian.”

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LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir:

In this supposed land of liberty, freedom is our core value. Yet the very idea of “freedom” is meaningless if we are thwarted at every attempt to exercise that freedom. Here I am, an American citizen, living under what is supposedly the freest Constitution in the world, and I am consistently denied the right to drive on whichever side of the road I prefer to drive on.

I have many good reasons for preferring to drive on the left. I find it much easier to determine where the edge of the road is. I can safely drive much closer to parked cars on city streets. If I have business to transact with someone on the sidewalk, such as a newspaper vendor or drug dealer, I can simply roll down my window, rather than awkwardly lean across the passenger seat. I attribute the astonishing growth of the Japanese economy in the late twentieth century mostly to the Japanese habit of left-side driving.

But why should I even have to state my reasons? I want to drive on the left side of the road, and under a truly free system of government, that desire should be sufficient.

I am not asking for anything unreasonable. I have no wish to interfere with anyone else’s rights. If you honestly believe that it is in your best interest to drive on the right side of the road, then you should do what your conscience tells you. All I ask is that you extend left-hand-side drivers the same courtesy. Let the driver decide.

Is this not the land of freedom? Is not that liberty the very thing that makes America great? I appeal with confidence to the American people’s sense of fair play: I ask only the same freedom of choice that right-hand drivers demand for themselves.

Sincerely,
Quintus Adolphus Pfender,
Westwood

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