Posts filed under “Science & Nature”
Fall is a season during which weather may occur at any time. Protect your family by getting ready for these fall weather hazards:
Drizzle can occur whenever the weather is too indolent to produce rain at full scale, and meteorological indolence is a common condition during the fall season. Drizzle can cause dampness, which can be exacerbated by chilly autumn temperatures until you catch your death of cold. If drizzle is forecast for your area, honestly, it’s not even worth getting out of bed.
Falling leaves occur with increasing frequency as the season matures. One falling leaf can completely obscure your vision if it falls on your face, causing you to walk off a cliff and fall onto a shed full of high explosives, such as are commonly built at the bottoms of cliffs. Furthermore, colored leaves attract children, and we all know that children bring a myriad of hazards with them. Be safe. When you see leaves changing color, your best course is to stay inside until mid-December.
Scattered clouds may obscure and reveal the sun alternately, producing tremendous fluctuations in light levels that negatively impact visibility, causing you to lose your way and walk into a bad neighborhood where you will be robbed and beaten to death. When you see fluffy white clouds in the sky, retreat to a sturdy room in the basement, or an interior room on the lower level if you have no basement.
Frost may coat pumpkins and other hazardous vegetation with a deceptively attractive sparkle, obscuring their true nefarious intentions. Don’t be fooled. When you see frost on the windowpane, pull the blanket over your eyes.
Pleasant temperatures and sunny days can encourage you to venture out of doors, where you may be hit by a streetcar. Do not be seduced by the transient delights of autumn. Lock your doors and stay inside.
Learn to read Braille. The ability to read in the dark will considerably diminish your lighting bill.
Instead of cooking your vegetables in a conventional oven, use cardboard, newspaper, and foil or reflective tape to create a parabolic reflector. Then place the vegetables in it and leave them outside for the groundhog to eat. Result: vegetables disposed of without use of conventional fuels.
Instead of using powered machinery to dig holes, split logs, hoist pianos, &c., have your children do it. What did you have children for, anyway?
Tie a chain to the rear bumper of your neighbor’s car and the front bumper of your own. Your neighbor ought to be doing his bit to reduce fossil-fuel consumption, after all, and here is a concrete way of encouraging him. He may not always go where you had been planning to go, but you can learn to like the places your neighbor frequents.
If you carry moonbeams home in a jar, they may be next to useless for domestic illumination, but the philosophers Johnny Burke and Jimmy Van Heusen have demonstrated conclusively that you will be better off than you are.
Always charge your electric car from random strangers’ porch outlets.
Turn down the thermostat and wear a hat. It is a well-known fact, verifiable by asking your mother, that human beings lose 90% of their heat through their heads. If, therefore, you wear a hat and nothing else, you will still be nine times warmer than if you were fully dressed without a hat.
Dr. Bill Gargling of the Young Earth Institute has published a new variant of young-earth creationism in the Institute’s journal, Creation Studies. According to Dr. Gargling, the universe was created by God last Tuesday with the appearance of age, including our own complete memories of previous existence. The Institute is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone who can prove Dr. Gargling’s theory wrong. Dr. Gargling, having received a number of applications for the reward already, informs prospective applicants that calling him a moron will not be accepted as conclusive proof.
“Would you like to translate this page?” Chrome asks.
The page in question is simply a list of species in the family Araceae (the arum family, which includes the locally abundant Jack-in-the-Pulpit, as well as familiar ornamentals like Callas, Philodendrons, and Anthuriums) that grow in southwestern Pennsylvania.
Pushing the translate button was too great a temptation. This was the result:
Although most of these terms turn out to be the same in Latin and in English, there are some actual translations. For example, it turns out that “foetidus” is “smelly.” Good job, Google! It also turns out that the arum family in Latin is the tomato family (Solanaceae) in English. “Atrorubens,” which Dr. Boli had thought meant something like “dark red,” turns out to mean “McNeal” instead. And “Symplocarpus” means “Robinsonella,” which “is a genus of flowering plant in the family Malvaceae,” according to the omniscient Wikipedia; that is to say, a genus of plants that have nothing to do with the arum family.
The algorithms that produced these translations are probably opaque to human understanding, but it is comforting to know that the era of reliable machine translation has arrived at last.
Once again, as we saw before, Google uses the terrible power of artificial intelligence to identify cats in one’s photo collection.
Let us hope that Google’s algorithms never fall into the hands of America’s enemies.
The enmity between dogs and computers is legendary (surpassed, perhaps, only by the enmity between cats and computers). Researchers at the Boli Institute have catalogued eight different ways a dog can unplug a computer charger from a power strip, all of which were observed in the space of one morning:
1. Leap up in a fit of barkolepsy and kick the charger all the way across the room.
2. Catch the cord and yank the charger out of the surge strip.
3. Catch the cord and yank the surge strip out of the wall.
4. Catch the cord and yank the charger cord out of the computer.
5. Turn off the switch on the power strip.
6. Get so tied up in the cord that the master has to unplug the computer himself to untie the knot.
7. Walk over to the power strip and simply bat the charger out of the outlet with one paw.
8. Stare very hard at the power strip and cause the charger to fall out of the outlet by telekinesis.
Dear Dr. Boli: This bag of Himalayan pink salt I just bought says, in big letters, “100% NATURALLY PURE.” It also says that it “contains up to 84 minerals and trace elements.” My question is this: Huh? —Sincerely, A Confused Dollar-Store Shopper.
Dear Sir or Madam: Obviously, by the usual laws of English denotation, “Pure” means one thing, and “contains up to 84 minerals and trace elements” means something entirely different. The single word in English that best describes “contains up to 84 minerals and trace elements” is contaminated.
Dr. Boli did some research to make sure he was giving you the correct answer here. Bailey’s Dictionary, for example, defines “pure” as “simple, uncompounded.” Dr. Johnson gives us “Unmingled; not altered by mixtures; mere.” Worcester says “Free from mixture with any thing else.”
But we are standing on the frontiers of lexicography here. It is often true that lexicographers, even ones as recent as Worcester (Dr. Boli consulted the 1860 edition), lag behind the common sense of the people in questions of meaning and usage. As with the word “comprise,” the word “pure” may be coming to mean its opposite. This is a development we should encourage in more words. The more ambiguous our language, the less we can definitely be accused of having said any one thing in particular, and the fewer people we shall offend as a result. Eventually we shall reach the happy state of not being able to communicate at all, and wars will cease at last.
Google photos likes to use its awe-inspiring intelligence to identify things in one’s collection and present them in a neat little bundle. For example…
Dr. Boli has been hearing quite a bit lately about how we ought to worry about the continuing advance of artificial intelligence. He has decided to put off worrying for a while.
Dear Dr. Boli: Where does dust come from? I clean everything to a spotless shine. I vacuum three hours a day and change vacuum bags in my special sealed vacuum bag changing room. Yet dust still appears within hours. Where does it come from? —Sincerely, Martha Stewart (name withheld by request).
Dear Madam: Many theories have been advanced to account for the apparently unaccountable appearance of dust on clean surfaces, and especially on wooden surfaces. Some theoretical physicists account for it as a natural by-product of the atomic decay of wood, which produces tiny thread-like particles called “strings.” Some theologians, noting that dust is specifically mentioned in the curses at the end of the Fall narrative (Gen. 3:19), believe that the dust on your furniture is made up of microscopic fragments of Adam, which must remain with all of his descendants until the final resurrection. But the most plausible theory is that dust is planted by enemy agents bent on subverting the clean American way of life. Whenever you have visitors in your house, examine your furniture carefully after they have left to see whether there is any more dust than before. If there is, report those visitors to the Department of Homeland Security, Bureau of Dust Prevention. You will be doing your part to preserve the American way.
When it comes to growing old, Americans seem to be of two minds. Some simply refuse to admit that they are growing old, or ever will grow old. Others freely admit that they are aging, and insist on telling us how horrible it is to grow old.
Dr. Boli, however, thinks aging is a fine thing, and earnestly recommends it to all his friends. As an expert on growing old, he has compiled a little list of the advantages of advanced age, in the hope that others may be inspired not only to continue the aging process, but to celebrate it as one of life’s pleasures:
You hear the young people say “This country is entering the worst crisis in its history,” and you remember the Saturday Night Massacre, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Pearl Harbor, the Great Depression, the Spanish Flu, the Hayes-Tilden election, the Panic of 1873, the Civil War, the Nullification Crisis, and the Whiskey Rebellion.
Your antiperspirant bill is considerably reduced.
You are not automatically suspected of being a shoplifter if you walk out of a store without buying anything.
You can consider with equanimity the possibility that you might have been wrong about something.
You spend much less of your life thinking about pimples.
You may discover that you actually like broccoli; but if you do not, no one forces you to eat it.
When middle-aged cranks complain about the ridiculous fashions young people are wearing these days, you remember zoot suits, lavender smoking jackets, bustles, and crinolines.
You can force a young person out of a seat on the streetcar with only a withering stare, which is the next best thing to having a death ray.
Your diseases tend to have much more impressive names.
Your opinions are accorded a certain amount of respect, even if you are a demonstrable fool.