From Satisfied Users of the Church of St. Simon Magus Prayer Rug.

Yes! It’s true! The prayer rug we sent you may be smaller than the tag in your undershirt, but don’t be fooled. There’s real power in any prayer you say while kneeling on it—power to make your dreams of prosperity come true! All the Church of St. Simon Magus asks in return is a piece of the action.

Still doubting? Listen to these unsolicited testimonials from people just like you!

I needed a car for my job at Anton’s Pizza. Four days after receiving this prayer rug, I was able to purchase a 1986 Plymouth Horizon for no money down and no monthly payments till July, bad credit/no credit OK!

——L.R., Cleveland.

Cold weather was costing me a fortune in furnace bills. I knelt and prayed on my prayer rug, knowing that the Church of St. Simon Magus was praying with me. In just a few months, the weather began to turn warmer, and by June it was positively hot outside!

——M.A., Schenectady.

My mother always said I was not too bright. So I knelt on your prayer rug and prayed for wisdom. Won’t she be surprised when I get it!

——A.S., Sacramento.

I had a gambling problem that left my family deep in debt, with no money even to buy food. After praying on your prayer rug, I unexpectedly received a gift of $100 from a relative in another state. I recognized God’s providence right away, because I had just got some inside information on a two-year-old that’s running at twenty-to-one tomorrow.

——H.N., Hialeah.

For years, I’ve had my eye on this really hot redhead in Marketing. Praise Jesus, who made her forget her marriage vows.

——J.W., Seattle.

I had so much money I didn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t sleep at night—I just lay in bed wondering what to do with all that money. Praise God for sending the Church of St. Simon Magus to solve all my money problems forever!

——S.F., Ft. Worth.