MEMORANDUM.

TO: All Employees

FROM: The President

RE: Current Economic Conditions

My Fellow Employees:

All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., and I include myself in that number, have been aware for some time of the effects of the current economic slowdown. Certain painful decisions are facing us, and I must confess that my own position is not one to be envied. There are times when I wish with all my heart that I could be a simple cog in the machine, like all of you, instead of the leader to whom hundreds of employees look for inspiration.

For the past two years, our Mr. Ernest Poplar, Director of the Investments Department, has been warning senior executives, including myself, that certain investments in which we had placed the Company’s funds were not sound. With simple but elegant mathematical reasoning, he and his senior staff demonstrated that it was not possible for the funds in which we had invested to maintain the rate of return they had maintained unless some sort of fraud was at work.

Unfortunately, executives, including myself, were more persuaded by the arguments of Mr. Reginald Gull, our Chief Financial Officer, who reasoned that the concept of “soundness” was an outdated notion in what he called the age of postmodern investment. Basing our decisions on Mr. Gull’s advice, we placed much of the Company’s assets in a small number of funds which have now been revealed to be nothing less than “Fonzie schemes,” as I believe Mr. Poplar calls them. Although we are taking all possible steps to recover at least our initial investment, practically speaking we must regard that money as lost.

It is never an easy thing for me to announce layoffs, but painful realities dictate a tightening of the belt. A certain number of staff reductions must be made in order to keep our expenditures within our means.

It is therefore my difficult duty to announce that Mr. Ernest Poplar and his senior staff will no longer be employed by the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., and that all remaining employees in the Investments Department will be transferred to the direct supervision of Mr. Reginald Gull, our Chief Financial Officer. Mr. Poplar has already been escorted from the building. In answer to some of your questions, the duct tape was only to prevent Mr. Poplar from injuring himself, as there was some fear that he might be subject to seizures.

A special notice to remaining senior executives: please stop by my office to pick up your bonus checks, which you have more than earned by facing the trauma of belt-tightening with a stiff upper lip.

Sincerely,

J. Rutherford Pinckney,

President

Comments

  1. Teresa says:

    You can duct-tape my mouth, but you can not prevent me from typing, you @*%$*$!

    Sincerely,

    Ernest Poplar

  2. H.W. Smarm says:

    As a former senior executive of the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., I join Ms. Pinckney in thanking each and every one of the hard-working, dedicated employees who have so selflessly enriched our new lives here in Barbados.

    Julie and I wish you and yours all the very best.

    With Warm Regards,
    Hyble W. Smarm III

  3. Arthur A. Fonzerelli says:

    Honoured Sir,

    On behalf of the Fonzerelli Limited Economic and Educational Corporation of Euclid (FLEECE), I look foward to a long and lasting relationship with SSABC.

    Heyyyyyyyyyyyy,

    Arthur Fonzerelli, President

  4. Dearest Fellow Citizens,

    I wish to express my personal empathy to all those who have been affected in these troubled times – especially my esteemed friend Reginald Gull, who has suffered unimaginable personal trauma at this unfortunate turn of events.

    As such, we must do all we can for those unfortunate souls who are in need at this time. Personally, I have selflessly used my generous bonus check to purchase the assets of Mr. Ernest Poplar, which had (against his wishes, unfortunately) been placed upon the auction block. These assets, of course, included not only his belongings, but also his wife and young children, who will find honest yet soul-toughening work as servants in my home. For Mr. Poplar, I have suggested to authorities a suitable workfarm where he may toil in order to repay his debts to society. May the family find Christian redemption in the eyes of God and man.

    The happiest of New Years to all!

    Most Voluminously,
    The Distinguished Romnibus Earlton Mooney, C.P.S.I.D., Esq., newly appointed Sr. Account Manager
    Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co.

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