POLICE DETECTIVES ARRESTED Miss Roberta Plink on a charge of murder, but she was released when Sergeant William Henry “Snag” Harrison pointed out that there were still twenty-five minutes until the closing credits, proving conclusively that Miss Plink was not the murderer.

Three juveniles were arrested and charged with vandalizing the Wenzell Avenue streetcar overpass. The juveniles claimed that they had permission to paint the overpass as part of a neighborhood mural project, but responding officers reported that the mural was ugly.

A member of city council called 911 to report that his feelings had been hurt by an insensitive editorial in the Dispatch. The Dispatch does not identify victims of bullying.

Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. She is being held in lieu of $100,000.00 bail.

Police responded to a complaint of disturbing the peace in the 1100 block of Wapping Street. Responding officers found a loud party in progress and were invited in for a few drinks. They had a marvelous time.

Eight members of the Dravosburg Interplanetary Society were arrested on a charge of arson after their attempted manned mission to Mars set fire to the borough building. No one was injured, but the custodian was awfully mad.

The weekly Hilltop District police officers’ pool was won by Officer Elisabetta Frobisher, who correctly guessed that the largest number of arrests in the district this week would be for illegal gambling.