Dear Dr. Boli: I am somewhat concerned that you have not paid much attention of late to the issue of moustaches. What would you say is an advisable length and style for a young man or woman interested in typewriters?—Sincerely, Scuba Joe.

Dear Sir: You do not specify in what way you are “interested” in typewriters; Dr. Boli will therefore make the assumption that you are interested in using them, but if you have some other sort of interest you may write again.

For a gentleman using a typewriter, the maximum length of a moustache is dictated by mechanical necessity. The typewriter is a fiddly contraption, and Dr. Boli does not need to dwell on the many ways in which the various moving parts can be injurious to moustaches that have been allowed to grow to excessive length. In fact, we may as well define “excessive length” in a moustache as the length at which the moustache begins to get rolled up in the platen frequently. The proper length may be measured by sitting straight in front of the typewriter, with the moustache allowed to hang naturally; the servants should then be instructed to mark a line on the shirtfront six inches above the platen of the typewriter, and neatly slice off any length of moustache that hangs below that line. Alternatively, the moustache may be preserved intact, and the servants instructed to do the typing.

It is not considered proper for a lady to wear a moustache, unless it is attached to an artificial nose and a pair of glasses with false eyebrows on the frames.