Security experts have identified an insidious computer virus that may have infected more than two billion computer users worldwide, according to a statement from the Computer Security Foundation in Forest Hills.

Unlike traditional viruses, which limit their damage to the user’s computer, this newly identified virus uses social-engineering principles to infect the brain of the computer user directly.

The virus, which experts have called the “Internet,” makes use of sophisticated, failure-resistant communications technology and funny cat pictures to steal hours out of every day from unsuspecting victims. According to law-enforcement authorities, criminal gangs then use the stolen hours to accomplish more nefarious deeds than would otherwise be possible in a single rotation of the earth.

The economic impact of the virus is unknown, but security experts warn that the “Internet” may already have absorbed the entire gross national products of several major industrialized nations.

Infected users are advised to go outside and get some fresh air.


  1. Captain DaFt says:

    “to steal hours out of every day from unsuspecting victims.”

    I first noticed the time loss when I realized that I hadn’t aged appreciably since getting online.
    Since then I’ve increased my time on the internet and am actually getting younger!

    Those so called ‘Security experts’ are just trying to horde the ‘fountain of youth’ for themselves!

  2. Alas, “getting out into the fresh air” may not be an effective cure after all. Security experts now say that this “Internet” virus has infected smartphones and tablets which are designed to be used outside.

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