Hey, Internet surfers! Take this fun and easy quiz to find out whether you’re possessed by a demon!
1. Do you sneeze more than once a day?
D. Die die all of you will die.
2. When you eat radishes, do you break out in hives?
C. More like anthills, really.
D. I will destroy you all slowly.
3. How many times have you dreamed of Woodlawn Plantation?
C. Every night.
D. I will consume your wretched souls.
4. If a single-engine airplane leaves Rostraver traveling northward at 150 miles per hour, and one elephant eats five hundred pounds of peanuts in a week, how many Frenchmen can’t be wrong?
A. Ellsworth, Maine.
B. King Richard III.
D. I will roast your entrails in hell.
5. Do you brush your teeth up and down or side to side?
A. Up and down.
B. Side to side.
C. I have servants for that.
D. Your agony is like sweet sweet candy to me.
6. What is the capital of New Hampshire?
B. Tallahassee, Florida.
D. Your bones are crunchy crunchy crunchy crunchy crunchy bones.
7. To be, or not to be?
A. To be.
B. Not to be.
C. I plead the Fifth Amendment.
D. I ate Shakespeare’s soul.
Scoring. Write all your answers in blood on a 4 × 6 index card, forming a 7-pointed star. Recite this chant three times:
Archibald, Winifred, Willibald, Matt,
Milligan, Gilligan, Galligan, Pat
Now you are possessed by a demon.