Posts by Dr. Boli

ASK DR. BOLI.

In response to the advertisement for Brenneman’s Everything Bagels, our correspondent Arkadiy asks, “Americium? Is it better or worse than polonium?”

“Better” and “worse” are subjective measurements with no scientific value whatsoever, and therefore are right up Dr. Boli’s alley. You have come to the right place.

Polonium has the edge in practicality, owing to its traditional use in the heads of polo mallets, whence, of course, the name of the element.

Americium is more widely found in ordinary households, however, since it goes into smoke detectors. That means that any one of us might have come into contact with it and be carrying around an atom or two of americium even as we speak. Et in Arkadiy ego, to coin a phrase.

Which one is better or worse therefore depends on how you feel about polo, or, contrariwise, smoke detectors.

IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS.

According to police reports, rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious was arrested last night for driving under the influence of Miles Davis.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, will employ a paid crankist for the rest of her Endless Whine tour, owing to repetitive-motion injuries sustained in her cranking hand.

Bozar the Clown has signed with the Dumont Network to produce a ten-part series tentatively titled Towering Passion, based on the unusual events that brought Daniel Burnham to design a skyscraper in Uniontown, Pennsylvania. Taking some liberties with the source material, Mr. Bozar plans to have the role of coal baron Josiah V. Thompson, who commissioned the building, played by Gal Gadot.

The Great Blando has been rehearsing a new act under conditions of the strictest secrecy. Mr. Blando’s manager will not reveal anything to the press about the performance, other than that fans of William Allingham will be pleased.

Theodore Naphtha, the classically trained Shakespearean actor best known for his role as Irv in the 2006 comedy Herb and Irv Hit Themselves on the Head with Hammers, has sold his house in Hollywood and is moving to Ohio. According to his agent, with the proceeds from the sale of his three-bedroom ranch house on North Orange Drive, Mr. Naphtha was able to buy Youngstown.

McGUFFIN’S SURREALIST PRIMER.

căt • băt • hăt • măn′•gĕl•wu̇r′•zĕl • hăʂ • ȧ•lăs′


A cat.


A bat.


The cat has the bat.


The bat has a hat.


Has the bat a mangelwurzel?


Alas! The mangelwurzel has no hat!

Advertisement.

Enter your grapefruit in the Duck Hollow Museum of Art International Grapefruit Pageant, a new work of metaconceptual counterperformance art conceived by artist Rupert Slackstripe, who painted Cirencester beige. Winning grapefruit will be exhibited at major art museums throughout North America. Losers will be juiced. Contact Duck Hollow Museum of Art care of this magazine and provide head shots of the grapefruit facing camera and in profile.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

On this day in 1838, John Wilkes Booth, the famous actor, was born. His assassination of President Lincoln in 1865 was widely considered the worst thing an actor had ever done until the advent of Nicholas Cage.

RECENTLY DISCOVERED HITTITE INSCRIPTION.

I am King Warpalarpa of Tuwanuwa, the father of nations, the blessed of Tarhunna, and my name is not funny at all.

And my father King Tappalappa of Tuwanuwa reigned before me, and he was gathered to his fathers, and I sat on the throne of my fathers and I said, I am King Warpalarpa of Tuwanuwa. And my brother was named Wopolopo, and behold, he said that my name was funny. And I slew him and his retainers, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And there came to me the ministers of my father, and they said, Rule wisely and well, for you must know that you have a funny name. And I slew them, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And there came to me the priests of Tarhunna, and they said, Behold, we are not as your father’s ministers; we will not laugh at your funny name. And I slew them, for that they had said my name was funny, though they had not laughed, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And there came to me the chief men of Tuwanuwa, and they said, O father of nations, blessed of Tarhunna, behold, we are your servants. And I saw that they were stifling giggles, though they had not spoken my name. And I slew them, and my name is not funny at all, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And I heard distant laughter in Tuwanuwa, and I knew that the people had called my name funny. And I burned the city with fire and leveled it with things that flatten, and the people perished, and behold, they knew that my name is not funny at all. And there was none left, yea not one, and no one said that my name was funny, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And I lifted this stone with my own hands and set it for a memorial, that the world may know my deeds. And I, King Warpalarpa of Tuwanuwa, the father of nations, the blessed of Tarhunna, have inscribed these words with my own hand, and my name is not funny at all.

I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SEE,

by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.

Westward the willows whisper;
     Southward the sycamore;
Eastward the elms grow crisper;
     Northward the banyans roar.

Upward the birch-tree reaches;
     Downward the cypress digs;
Leftward is loud with beeches;
     Rightward is fraught with figs.

Inward the linden grumbles;
     Outward the locust flails;
Softly the sago stumbles;
     Hardly the hemlock hails.

Often the dogwood stammers;
     Seldom the cypress bends;
Always the hornbeam hammers;
     Never the redwood ends.