Sir:

It has come to our attention that you have installed a browser extension that interferes with our ability to show you helpful news feeds and browsing suggestions on your new-tab page. This is not technically against our terms of service for the Chrome and Edge browsers, but it is very disappointing. We have put a great deal of effort and no small amount of money into curating those suggestions just for you, and it seems ungrateful of you not even to look at them.

We have also been informed that you have turned off notifications from several of our business partners. This is frankly unwise. How will you know when amazing money-saving offers become available? How will you be properly enraged if you do not even see the inflammatory news stories we have picked out for you? You are not only depriving yourself of useful information: you are also evading your responsibilities as an informed citizen.

One more thing we have noticed is that you turned off our access to your location. We have turned it back on. This is just a friendly reminder that we know where you are and how long it would take our helpful representative Bruno to get there. Please take that into account when you are making future decisions about your computer habits.

With love,
Your Friends at Microsoft and Google