Have you been worrying that nefarious agents from Belarus or Uzbekistan might be tracking your every visit to this Magazine? Well, they probably still are. But your browser will no longer display the words “Not secure” in the address bar when you visit, so please enjoy your false sense of security.

On July 21, 2021, the enemies of civilization sent their robot armies to attack the server that hosted drboli.com, the hub of Dr. Boli’s celebrated publishing empire. An army of technicians rushed to the site of the breach, but it was not easy to find where the robots had got into the server. It was not easy to find the server at all, in fact.

The site had been hosted for years by a small local hosting company, but that company had long since got out of the Web-hosting business, as a result of having found a much more lucrative niche for its services in the lawn-care industry. In fact drboli.com was the very last site it hosted, on a ten-year-old server whose very existence everyone had forgotten.

Scouts with machetes finally removed the encroaching jungle and found the server, paralyzed by the robot attack. A detachment of technicians defeated the robots, retrieved fourteen years’ worth of data, and left a “Please Stand By” notice on the server, but it was clear that a more modern host would have to be found.

We have therefore spent the past week rebuilding the site on a newer server, one less encumbered by vines. We believe the newer technology will allow us to offer more services to our readers, although if you came here looking for anything other than something to read you are probably in the wrong place.

Nihil obstat. —The Right Rev. Wilberforce Rankle, M.B.A., Bishop, Church of Moloch (Reformed).

I don’t get it. Is this funny? I don’t do funny. —Dan Brown.

This is to inform you that we are suing you for one million billion trillion zillion dollars for calling our client “litigious.” —Donald Trump’s Lawyer and Caddy (name withheld by request).

Five stars! Awesome service! Would buy again! —Morningside SEO and Google Ranking Improvement Services Inc.

You thought you were pretty clever, singlehandedly foiling my plot to conquer all of Europe. Well, we’ll see who has the last laugh. —Napoleon I, former emperor, now employed at Burger Yurt #27, Saw Mill Run Blvd.

According to my telepropeller, Dr. Bilo is one of the cultic treasures that make me proud to be an Armorican, and I always read what my teleproctologist says. —Joe Biden.

Bark! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! —Sebastian the Devil Yorkie.

This document is impregnated with a scratch-and-sniff security odor. Before processing you should make sure that this document smells like filing cabinets and stale vending-machine pastries and despair. If it does, you may be confident that it originated in our office.

This announcement is playing over and over in the subway stations in Pittsburgh today:

In honor of the Independence Day holiday, July 4, 2021, all Port Authority vehicles will operate on a Sunday schedule.

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Dear Dr. Boli: So what should we really do about racism in this country? —Sincerely, A Man Who Thought “Racism” Meant NASCAR Until Quite Recently.

Dear Sir: First, we must understand that nothing can be legally done about private racism, which is to say the expression of insulting opinions by private individuals. Private racism is not, and must not be, illegal. In Dr. Boli’s opinion it is wrong, but not everything that is wrong can or ought to be made illegal. Dr. Boli has never come to terms with Calvinism, but it is openly practiced not half a mile from the Boli mansion. Likewise, private racism must be tolerated, and once again Dr. Boli finds it necessary to define tolerance. Tolerance is not approval. It is nearly the opposite of approval. We have no need of tolerance for things of which we all approve. Tolerance is my guarantee of your right to be wrong, in exchange for your guarantee of my right to be wrong. We tolerate racists, meaning that they have the right to rant as much as they like about the inferiority of Danes or Bhutanese or whatever ethnic groups they disapprove of.

We also need to distinguish racism from other things we disagree about. It is not racist to believe that a child born black in this country has the very same opportunities that a child born white has. The term for that is naive or hopelessly optimistic, not racist. It is not racist to believe that people of other cultures should conform to the standards of behavior or belief of one’s own culture: the term for that is narrow-minded or chauvinistic, not racist. Racism is not a question of behaviors: it is the belief that people of a certain ancestry should not have the same privileges as people of some other ancestry. It is aristocracy on a large scale, with all the absurdities of aristocracy—a word that actually means “rule of the best,” which should provoke a hearty laugh in anyone who has mingled with aristocrats.

Legally, what we can do about racism is limited. We can make laws that are blind to race, and demand judges who will enforce them. We can insist on equal treatment in public accommodations, regardless of the private views of the managers of such accommodations. Where we see injustice in government, we can shine a bright light on it, and we can vote for justice. But we cannot use the law to stop racists from being racist. We can only limit the scope of their behavior.

Morally, however, we have a doomsday weapon against racism. We can mock racists. Racism is the most mockable of all vices, because pride is the root of all racism, and pride is also the root of all comedy. When we have seen the proud cavalier displaying his pride in the first reel, we are ready to see him fall off his horse into a mud puddle in the second. The racist who believes he represents a superior race is inviting us to demonstrate exactly how he is wrong about that.

Therefore, dear reader, you know your duty. Go out and do it. No racist should be safe from your sarcasm. All lovers of justice and equality are depending on you.

A penny saved is a penny that will eventually be lost between the couch cushions.

Spare the rod and spoil the piston.

A lie can go around the world while the truth is still deciding whether a nice pair of slacks would be better than that green skirt she bought on sale at Target, or whether she should just go naked as usual.

The early bird gets the worm and begins to have serious doubts about her career choice.

Pride goeth before a fall into a cake. (Source: Mack Sennett.)

It takes a village to make a child into a provincial hick.

The acorn doesn’t fall far from the squirrel.

Red at night,
Sailor’s delight.
Red in the morning,
Sailor’s warning.
Red at noon,
Ship is probably on fire and you might want to do something about that.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, three in the tree, sixteen in the sky, and forty-five in the field guide on the desk.

According to a comment received just a few minutes ago, “You just received a money transfer of $ 89.44! PREPAYMENT!”

This is very good news. Now Dr. Boli can buy McKeesport and turn it into a theme park called Rust World, the way he has been planning to do for years.

But wait! How do we know this is legitimate?

Well, it could hardly be otherwise. The link in the comment leads to a site called OFFICIAL BANK SITE.