Posts filed under “Popular Entertainment”

ASK HERBERT THE PSYCHIC FLOUNDER.

Dear Mr. Flounder: There’s this guy in my class who, like, really likes me, and I, like, like him and all, but I don’t know if I, like, like him the way he likes me. So, like, what should I do? ——Sincerely, The Girl in the Third Row with the Red Top On, the One with the Little Hearts.

Dear Miss: Atmospheric conditions and unusual sunspot activity are making contact with the higher planes spotty today. In my vision, I see a splendid horse in a meadow of asphodel, or it may be asphalt, and the horse is romping up and down, up and down, as horses do, its mane billowing like an ocean wave, and its tail flying like a banner behind it, longer and longer; and the flowers in the meadow wave as the horse romps past, unless it is a meadow of asphalt, in which case they are probably traffic cones or some such thing; and there seem to be birds twittering, although that could just be interference on the astral waves in the 750-milliliter band; and as the horse romps up and down, up and down, the tail gets longer and longer, and more and more like a banner, until there seem to be letters forming on it, indistinct, but growing more and more distinct as the tail unfurls more and more, until I can just about read what they say, which seems to be something like “Don’t give that creep the time of daj.” I am not sure what that message portends, the last word being unfamiliar to me; and of course it could merely be that interference again; but at any rate please write again if you need more advice, and perhaps the next time the sunspots will not be so aggressive.

OLYMPICS REPORT.

The United States Web surfing team brought home the gold with a record-breaking exhibition of tag-team surfing. The three-member team successfully hit every site in the Internet Archive collection of extinct Geocities personal homepages over the course of one 48-hour session. Silver went to the South African team for glancing at the online menu of every restaurant in Johannesburg, and bronze to the Japanese team for hitting every English Wikipedia article about rodents.

IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS.

Popular middlebrow band The Luxurious Socks have wrapped up recording on their pandemic-themed album, Learn to Be Nice. In addition to the title track, the new album will include “Twitter, My Only Friend,” “I Would Do Unto Others if I Could Find Any,” “I Like Canned Beans Now,” and the up-tempo end-of-pandemic anthem “Gazing at Her Navel (Instead of Mine).”

Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious was arrested for an unresolved F7 chord. He was released without charge on presenting proof that the chord would be resolved in his next album.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, has extended her fourth farewell tour for six more months. New stops on the tour include Meddybemps (Maine), Coosawhatchie (South Carolina), Cocked Hat (Delaware), and the parking lot of Herb’s Convenience Store and Beer Palace in Paw Paw (West Virginia). Tickets are already on sale for Miss Smoulder’s fifth farewell tour beginning next year.

British rock legend Sir Jeremy Freakout has announced a new charity initiative in support of the Potted Plant Liberation Front.

Teenie Sparkle, the host of the popular children’s program Sparkle Park, has signed a six-year contract with the Ahoskie Power Saw Manufacturing Company of Ahoskie, North Carolina, which hopes her influence will help promote the use of power saws among the underserved kindergarten and first-grade demographic.

CONOR’S CRITICAL REVIEWS.

Hi, so this is, like, Conor, with Conor’s Critical, uh, well, I wanted to call this channel something alliterative, but the only thing I could come up with was “Crap,” and I promised my mom I wouldn’t use bad language. So Conor’s Critical Reviews. How’s that?

Today we’re going to be looking at one of my favorite cult movies of the past few years: God Versus the Zombies. Spoiler alert: the zombies are, like, totally outclassed. But you don’t watch one of these classics for the plot, right? I mean, you watch it for the atmosphere. So this movie is like totally soaked with atmosphere. I mean it’s got clouds and everything.

So it starts out and there are these zombies, and they’re like attacking New York, which is actually Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cause you can tell by the skyline, but anyway these zombies are attacking, and all the people are running away from them, and then God shows up and smites them, and all the zombies fall down.

So you think, Well, that’s the end of the movie. Cause, you know, when God kills you, you stay dead, right? But the problem with zombies is they’re already, like, dead. And God doesn’t know what to do with them, cause the point of smiting is that you like die when it happens, and these zombies are already dead. So God is like, what’s up with that? And the zombies are like, gluh gluh brains gluh, and God is like, I’ll smite them again, but they just get up again and they’re all like gluh gluh brains again. So then they—what? Mom, I told you, I’m doing a— But mom, it can wait till I— but— Heck. Guys, I have to take out the trash, so I’m like gonna post this now, and then I’ll do a God Versus the Zombies Part II. See you next time on Conor’s Critical Crap. Oh, heck. I mean Reviews.

REFEREE’S SIGNALS IN AMERICAN FOOTBALL.

signals-01

If my head were a football, it would be right between the goalposts.

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I am a pretty, pretty butterfly.signals-10

You must be this tall to sack the quarterback.

signals-11

Insufficient muscular development. 10 yards.

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Well, really.

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Ev’rybody do that Footloose Strut.

signals-29

Illegal ambivalence. 25 yards.

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Applause, please.

L.C.I.S.

Announcer. And now Runcible Publishing and Finer Meats, Squirrel Hill’s finest publisher and delicatessen, presents…

(Music: “Washington Post” March, in and under for…)

Announcer. L.C.I.S., the adventures of our brave federal agents in the Library Criminal Investigative Service. Whenever crime strikes our nation’s libraries, L.C.I.S. agents are there.

(Music: In full, then out.)

Announcer. Tonight we find Agents Cuzzi and Pleasant reporting in on the case of the murdered bookend salesman.

Cuzzi. Great news, boss! We got the victim’s laptop. Now we’ll know every­thing about him.

Capps. Good work, Cuzzi. You got into it yet?

Pleasant. Computers aren’t exactly his thing.

Cuzzi. Shut up, Pleasant. Ha ha! See, boss, this is the kind of witty banter we have all the time.

Capps. But what about the laptop?

Cuzzi. McNeilly’s working on it now.

McNeilly (entering). This is bad.

Cuzzi. What did you find?

McNeilly. Nothing. I can’t get in.

Cuzzi. You mean it’s password-protected?

McNeilly. Worse than that. The battery’s out of juice.

Pleasant. Oh no! Now we’ll have to find a charger!

McNeilly. I looked for one. I couldn’t find one that would fit.

Cuzzi. Did you try a USB-C?

McNeilly. No, it’s like a round hole with a metal pokey thing in the center.

Cuzzi. Like my Toshiba?

McNeilly. I tried that, but the hole’s too small.

Cuzzi. You took my charger without asking me?

Capps. Everyone chill. This is why we have a lab. [DTMF tones.] Dorcas! Get up here now, and bring all your lap­top chargers.

Dorcas. Here I am, boss.

Capps. Always quick. That’s what I like to see. You bring your chargers?

Dorcas. I don’t have any laptop chargers.

Capps. Then what do you have?

Dorcas. Well, I’ve got this mass spectrometer.

Cuzzi. I thought it looked a little big for a laptop charger.

Capps. What do you expect us to do with a mass spec­trometer?

Dorcas. We usually use it to trace minute amounts of dirt on the clue object to some calcar­eous soil found only on one farm in Loudoun County.

McNeilly. But there isn’t any dirt on the laptop!

Dorcas. How do you know until you look at it with the mass spec­trometer? Anyway, we don’t need dirt. Plas­tic can tell us a lot. I don’t think this chunk is doing anything.

Cuzzi. I think that was the screen.

Dorcas. Whatever. Look! See, this is why we spent all that money on a mass spectrometer. This kind of plastic contains petrochemicals that are found in only one place in the world.

McNeilly. Where’s that?

Dorcas. China! I can say with almost complete cer­tainty that this laptop was made in China.

Pleasant. You mean like it says on the label?

Capps. Cuzzi, get the Chinese ambas­sador over here right now.

Cuzzi. Well, boss, the ambas­sador has diplomatic immunity, and—

Capps. Diplomatic immunity’s for wusses. Tell him we found one of his laptops in a murdered man’s car, and if he doesn’t want an inter­national incident he’d better spill every­thing he knows. Take Pleasant with you so you can get in some witty banter along the way. And Dorcas, I want you to be ready with that mass spec­trometer when Cuzzi and Pleasant find that someone has got there before them and mur­dered the Chinese ambas­sador. Well, what are you all hanging around here for like people who hang around places? You got your assign­ments. Go!

Cuzzi. Right away, boss.

(Music: “Washington Post’” March, in and under for…)

Announcer. So once again our dauntless agents are hot on the trail of a fiend threat­ening our nation’s libraries. Tune in for big sur­prises when Runcible Publishing and Finer Meats, Squirrel Hill’s finest publisher and delica­tessen, presents our next episode, “The Case of the Mur­dered Chinese Ambas­sador.” Mean­while, don’t forget to ask about our new line of meat-based vege­table substi­tutes, providing the healthy and nu­tritious protein you just can’t get from leaves and roots. Make a Runcible salad today, and don’t forget to eat meat while you read!

(Music: In full, then out.)