Posts filed under “Press Clippings”

DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.

AUXILIARY BISHOP RECOVERING FROM SEMICOLON SURGERY.

Pittsburgh (Special to the Dispatch).—Auxiliary Bishop Wendell ffigge-Barre of the West Central Northeastern North American Anglican Church (Semiliberal) is in stable condition after undergoing semicolon surgery at St. Bede’s Hospital in Esplen, according to a statement from the diocese.

“This intervention was necessary to cure Bishop ffigge-Barre’s tendency to witter on ad infinitum,” a spokesdeacon explained, reading a prepared statement.

Surgeons at St. Bede’s say that the bishop has already begun to talk in simple sentences, indicating that the procedure was a success.

DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.

UNESCO ADDS PITTSBURGH LEFT TO HERITAGE LIST

PITTSBURGH (Special to the Dispatch).—The United Nations Educa­tional, Scientific and Cultural Organi­zation announced today that the Pitts­burgh Left has been added to UNESCO’s Repre­senta­tive List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity.

“The practice of making a left turn just before the light turns green,” the text of the original nomina­tion declares, “while not unique to Pitts­burgh, has been developed there to such a degree as to constitute a recog­nizable form of folk art.”

“Safeguarding our intangible cultural heritage depends on trans­ferring of knowledge from one genera­tion to the next,” said a UNESCO statement read by a children’s choir at the corner of Forbes and Murray in Squirrel Hill. “Conditions must be maintained in which cultural traditions can thrive. The Pittsburgh Left would be en­dangered if modern left-turn cycles were added to previously existing traffic signals.”

A spokeswoman for the Department of Public Works later replied in a prepared statement that “UNESCO shouldn’t lose much sleep over that.”

POLICE BLOTTER.

Bozar the Clown has been arrested again, this time charged with vandalism in eight different local retail establishments. According to a police statement, Mr. Bozar has been on what victims described as a “spree” with a permanent marker, correcting backwards apostrophes at the beginnings of words in retail packaging and signage. In the statement distributed to the press, Mr. Bozar is quoted as having said that it was time for the literate people of the world to show a little of the spirit of ’76. (The apostrophe in the police statement was originally an opening single quotation mark, but has been corrected with a permanent marker.)

IN THE NEWS.

The Greater Los Angeles Chancery of the Sons of the Plantagenets has called for a boycott of Hollywood films featuring kings, queens, princesses, etc., played by commoners. According to a spokesprince, there are few enough Hollywood productions featuring royal characters to begin with, and it is a slap in the face to persons of royal blood to have such roles played by commoners when the opportunities do come up. The Chancery maintains a list of out-of-work royalty who would be happy to perform in any production where the royal characters are represented without the offensive stereotypes still regrettably so common in American motion pictures, so there is no excuse for unenlightened casting.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: Several of my neighbors have yard signs with the appallingly provocative slogan “WATER IS LIFE.”

“Water is life!” Try telling that to the two thousand people who died in the Johnstown Flood! Try telling that to the passengers who went down with the Lusitania! I’ll bet they didn’t go down singing “Water is life” while the stuff filled their lungs. What’s wrong with these neighbors, anyway? Can’t they see through this transparent pro-water propaganda? I don’t know who’s behind this, but I’ll bet it’s the Public Utilities Commission. They’ve been trying for years to snooker me into connecting my house to running water, but I prefer to drink from the pothole down the street. Do you know that the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Authority keeps a reservoir with enough water to drown every man, woman, and child in Highland Park? I bet you didn’t hear that in your pro-water propaganda, did you, Mr. Water-Is-Life? I bet they didn’t tell you that 90% of the damage in Hurricane Sandy was caused by water, according to plausible figures I invented myself, did they?

Also, this flatware said it was “stainless steel,” but this knife has dried peanut butter all over it. What’s up with that?

——Sincerely, Nebridius Gasket, Mount Oliver (borough).

CONGRATULATIONS POUR IN FROM FOREIGN LEADERS.

Xi Jinping, General Secretary, Chinese Communist Party: The congratulations of the Chinese people to President-Elect Biden. As majority stakeholders in your illustrious nation, we look forward to a continued close partnership on global and regional affairs, and we should like to extend an Introductory Offer of 0% interest for the first six months on new debts incurred during the first year of your administration.

Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister, Canada: Cool. We had, like, a really sucky relationship with that other dude, so this is gonna be groovy.

Vladimir Putin, President, Russian Federation: We look forward to cooperating with the legitimately constituted authorities in the United States in the investigation of the Biden crime family. Our agent Katinka may have some evidence that might interest you.

Volodymyr Zelensky, President, Ukraine: You’ve been here, right? Ukraine is the one east of Poland, south of Belarus, west of Russia, north of the Black Sea. Just wanted to make sure we had that straight.

Ram Nath Kovind, President, India: Congratulations to our sister Kamala, the first Indian-American Vice President of the United States! Your career is truly pathbreaking! You are an inspiration to all of us! And tell Joe we remember him from 2013.

Andrew Holness, Prime Minister, Jamaica: Congratulations to our sister Kamala, the first Jamaican-American Vice President of the United States! Your career is truly pathbreaking! And there was some other guy I was supposed to mention, but I can’t remember his name.

Faustin-Archange Touadéra, President, Central African Republic: Yeah, we got our own troubles.

Kim Jong-un, Precious Little Leader, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea: We look forward to a productive relationship and to not raining down an apocalyptic firestorm from hell on your cities.

Cyril Ramaphosa, President, Republic of South Africa and 10 Other Official Names: We are delighted to welcome President-Elect Biden, and we hope that his election signals the readmission of the United States to our exclusive little club of stable democracies.

Elizabeth, by the Grace of God Queen of Antigua and Barbuda, Australia, the Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Canada, Grenada, Jamaica, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: We have always felt a parental concern for our straying children, and we should like to assure them that, should their adolescent experiment with republicanism lose its appeal, there is always room under our crown for one more.

IN THE NEWS.

Police file photo.

Police were summoned to the Faraday cage at the Duck Hollow Museum of Natural History early this morning when a museum security guard discovered that Michael Faraday had escaped. He is described as a man of middle height, a little shy of 229 years old, clean-shaven, with thick gray hair parted on the left, a black jacket and waistcoat, a prominent black cravat, and the strength of forty demons. Citizens who see Faraday are advised to report his location to the city police, then calmly pack a few belongings and drive to a random city no less than five hundred (500) miles away, where they should check into a hotel under an assumed name and await news of Faraday’s capture.

THE 7 MOST INTRIGUING CLICKBAIT HEADLINES YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY CLICK ON.

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Watch what happens when this drunken fraternity tries to invade Paraguay armed with only a salad spinner

Revealed: The Democrats’ shocking plan to outlaw cheese

Reconcile Aristotelian realism with Platonic realism with this one weird thing

The 4 things in your closet you need to get rid of before they explode