The Rotary Club of Blandville once again failed in its bid to have a traffic circle mandated by legislation at the intersection of Bland Street and Brackenridge Avenue. It was suggested at Tuesday’s meeting that bribing the commissioner of public works might be a more effective alternative. Members voted to hold a rummage sale the first Saturday in June to finance the bribe. Persons in the community who have rummage to donate, or who know a good recipe for rummage or how and where rummage of good quality may be obtained, are urged to contact Stu at his usual hangouts.

The Rev. Bob-Bob Lee made waves at a Pittsburgh Council of Churches summit when he accused the Catholic Diocese of bingolatry, which he defined as the sin against the Holy Spirit. In an impromptu sermon by the espresso machine, he called on Western Pennsylvania Catholics to abandon their pagan worship of the bingo card and return to the purity of the church of the Apostles. Bishop Zubik said that he was sure the Rev. Bob-Bob would turn out to be a very nice person if he got to know him, which he hoped would never happen.

The Great Blando was in the news again, charged with attempting to smuggle a rhinoceros on a flight from Latrobe to Orlando. Mr. Blando told TSA agents that the animal was his emotional-support rhinoceros, which he had been instructed never to be without by his therapist, Dr. Emil von Wolfspitz. Dr. Wolfspitz was unavailable for comment, as he was in custody at Allegheny County Jail, charged with illegal procurement of a rhinoceros and unauthorized addition of the preposition “von” to his name.

In their opening game of Artists League Baseball season, the Pittsburgh Warhols defeated the New England Rockwells by four identical runs in different combinations of garish colors.

Sir: I was reading the signs along the sidewalk for the first time today. Now, I know that I ought to have read these signs every day, because they are placed there by our municipal government for our enlightenment and contain vital information of import to every citizen, but I have a life. But today I was stuck waiting for someone who never showed up, and I’m calling off the engagement, Rita, so if you read this good riddance, so I had time to read the signs.

Did you know you can go to prison for loitering? At first I thought it said “littering,” and of course everyone agrees that someone who drops a paper cup on the sidewalk should be put away for fifteen years. But no, it said “loitering” was punishable by fine or imprisonment.

As I understand it, loitering is the crime of remaining stationary longer than the cop who observes you thinks you ought to be wherever you are. For example, the signs say you can go to prison for “loitering” on the benches at the intersection of Murray and Darlington. Normally you would think that sitting in one place would be the purpose of a bench, but if you do it you’re loitering. I suppose you’re meant to fidget from one bench to another, but how many times a minute do I have to move? If you move six times in one minute but the cop thinks you should move eight times, off to prison you go.

Well, no wonder we’re spending so much money on incarceration, when everyone who isn’t an Olympic sprinter can end up in prison for sloth. Our jails are stuffed with people whose crime was inertia, and we’re paying tens of thousands apiece to house them at the public expense.

Now, I am not an unreasonable man. I do not like to point out a problem without having a solution to suggest. My proposal is a sensible one that solves the problem of expensive and overcrowded prisons while at the same time preserving the criminality of loitering, which appears to be a dear and treasured American principle necessary to maintain our hallowed tradition of freedom. We shall keep the crime of loitering on the books, but simply move the location. Instead of making it a crime to loiter on a bench along the sidewalk, we shall make it a crime to loiter in prison. Upon conviction, the penalty will be instant expulsion. Since I understand that the conditions in our prisons are favorable to loitering, I expect the prison population to be diminished by a considerable percentage just in the first year. —Sincerely, Dr. Hasdrubal M. McClutch, Associate Professor of Ancient Semitic Languages and Pickleball, Duck Hollow University.

In spite of repeated protests and even threats of legal action, members of the Daughters of the American Revolution were once again refused admission to the Allegheny Brass Band concert at DFIW Braddock Memorial Hall last night. Security guards referred all questions to Mrs. Effingham, President of the Daughters of the French and Indian War, who said in a prepared statement that she didn’t want a bunch of Janey-come-lately riffraff treading mud through her nice hall, and if they don’t like it they can go back where they came from.

Bozar the Clown was arrested again yesterday afternoon, charged with failure to possess a smartphone in a public place. After an hour in the room with the television, Mr. Bozar confessed that he had thrown his smartphone into the Monongahela from the Smithfield Street Bridge, which added two more charges. The magistrate ordered him released on $50 bail on the condition that he would go home and immerse himself in social media on a laptop computer, desktop computer, or tablet until such time as a new smartphone could be procured for him at his own expense. When, however, Mr. Bozar confessed that he did not have any social-media accounts, the release was revoked and four more charges were added.

Owing to inclement weather, the inauguration will be held in the old Hecht Company warehouse on New York Avenue.

1. Motorcade to the venue is lost going around Logan Circle for 34 minutes.

2. Motorcade reaches venue; argument about protocol with warehouse security guard.

3. Musical prelude by the East Sioux Falls High School Marching Band.

4. Poem: “I Am Overwhelmed by the Importance of This Occasion,” by incoming Poet Laureate Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.

5. Musical selection: “No Motherland Without You,” performed by special guests the People’s Revolutionary Glee Club of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

6. Inauguration. (N.B.—In order to avoid bogging down the proceedings with crusty boring ritual, the President-Elect has asked that the Oath of Office be omitted on this occasion.)

7. Silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

8. Cheeseburgers!

9. Inaugural Ball, featuring the Syrup Tones, Silver Spring’s most famous Guy Lombardo cover band.

The slander suit against artist Eli “Bonkers” Johnson was dismissed today in the Thirteenth District Superlative Court, in spite of the artist’s admission that he had spoken the words deemed slanderous by the plaintiff.

According to the suit brought by the Buckingham & Sanders Artist Pigments Corporation, Mr. Johnson had defamed the company’s product, and caused material harm, by stating at an artists’ conference that he “could not speak the name of that color without spitting.”

Mr. Johnson (appearing pro se) admitted that he had spoken those words, but argued that, in American libel and slander law, truth is a defense. In an unusual move, he invited Judge Ronald H. Gramophone to speak the name of the color in question. After three unsuccessful attempts to pronounce “Phthalo blue” without a considerable amount of spray, His Honor dismissed the case.

Dear Sir: I should like to take the opportunity of this forum to ask your readers to consider how unkind a single thoughtless joke can be when it is at the expense of an innocent toiler in the public interest. I know that social media are full of jokes and memes about registrars of deeds, but have you ever stopped to consider how the men and women who perform that function, so vital to civilized life in civilization, are affected by the constant barrage of mockery at their expense? I walk down the street, and I hear the suppressed snickers. I know everyone I pass knows that I am a registrar of deeds, and I see them leaning over to whisper the latest registrar-of-deeds joke in the ears of their friends. When I drive down the road, I see the buses full of laughing children, and I know what they are laughing about. I see the smirks on every face as I walk through the supermarket. I hear the broccoli laughing at me behind my back. I know the whole canned-soup aisle is just waiting for me to pass so they can jump on Instagram and share pictures of the back of my head with mocking captions added. I won’t even go into the toiletries section after what the shampoo said about me. I challenged the pumpernickel to a duel once, but the coward gave me no response. So anyway, couldn’t you people have a little consideration? That’s all I want. That and for the Greek yogurt to keep its smart mouth shut. —Sincerely, Lancelot Fribble, Yohogania County Registrar of Deeds.