Posts filed under “Press Clippings”


Freshman congressman Albert Cardoon, responding to allegations that surfaced in news reports shortly before his swearing in, has admitted that some of the statements he made during his campaign were not strictly accurate. In particular, Cardoon did not invent penicillin; he was not the “mastermind” behind Doctors Without Borders; he did not write thirty-nine plays under the pseudonym “William Shakespeare”; he was not the first American to walk on Mars; he is not a full-blooded Appomattoc chief; he did not obtain doctorates at Oxford and Cambridge simultaneously; he did not win Super Bowl XLVII; he did not write the first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation; his parents were not killed in the 9/11 attacks; his sister was not killed in the Johnstown Flood; his son Herbert was not killed in Pompeii in a.d. 79, but is still in the seventh grade at Blandville Junior High School; his Uncle Al is not the same Alexander who conquered Persia; and his wife is not Lillian Russell. Cardoon insists, however, that it is true that his family “in the direct ancestral line” was expelled from the Garden of Eden for what he terms a “very minor offense.”


Sir: I asked for a cup of tea at the coffeehouse around the corner, not the one where they have the mimes, but the other one, and they handed me a foam cup with a teabag in it, and the teabag had a tag dangling from it. And this was the message on the tag: “Trust your identity; be in touch with your reality.” Well, my reality never calls. It never even sends a postcard. My reality and I haven’t spoken since 2014, when I told my reality to take a hike. And my identity was stolen by Slovenian hackers last October, so I certainly don’t trust that. So I think we should tell these big tea companies, first of all, you can just keep out of my personal life, thank you very much, and in return we won’t ask you about your relatives. And second, it’s not “tea” unless it’s made from Camellia sinensis, okay? So don’t go telling me peppermint and licorice root and dogbane and lawn clippings all stuffed into a little bag make “tea,” because you’re not fooling anybody but yourselves. —Sincerely, Name Withheld Against My Will.


French scientists at the Académie des Sciences Improbables announced yesterday that their laboratory had for the first time achieved a successful thermidorian reaction. A spokeswoman for the Académie cautioned that, although this is an important breakthrough that definitely deserves EU funding, the reaction so far is not stable.


Sir: It is clear that whoever runs the National Weather Service is a complete incompetent. Yesterday it snowed. In December! Yes, there was free crushed ice all over the ground—in the middle of December, when the temperature was twenty-eight degrees outside. I don’t need ice everywhere when it’s cold outside, for Pete’s sake. I need it in August, when it’s hot as blazes. But no—every August I end up having to buy my own ice. Then December rolls around, and they start giving it away for free. No wonder the government runs on a deficit. I’m tired of paying taxes for giant entitlement programs that benefit literally no one. I wrote my Congresswoman at the Capitol, but the letter was returned marked “NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS,” so I’m writing you instead. Either we should sort out the mess at the National Weather Service and get the right weather to the right places at the right times, or we should just give up on weather and let private enterprise take care of it. Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could you run a missing-persons ad for my congresswoman? —Sincerely Zimmerman P. Zummer, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Canning, Duck Hollow University.


You Can’t Actually Click On.

Are headlines in question form destroying our democracy?

New government program may be worth millions to everyone who breathes air.

The 14 things you’re doing wrong when you floss.

Bad things happened to Edgar. They will make you angry.

Did you drink cola between 2007 and 2015? Here’s what your intestines look like.

Stop global warming, end hunger, and create lasting world peace with this one weird trick.

We opened a can of condensed tomato soup. What we found probably won’t surprise you.


Officers were called to a domestic disturbance in the 2300 block of Boulevard Way this afternoon. Upon arrival, officers heard a loud argument in progress, in which the name of Hegel was repeatedly mentioned. Officers called for backup and surrounded the building, but did not attempt entry until the city philosophy squad had arrived. Two Duck Hollow University professors were taken into custody.


A lawsuit was filed today in the Court of Unusual Pleas on behalf of the heirs of the late Roberta Plinkmann against Jean-Louis-Lucrèce-Antoine’s Parisian Brasserie. According to the filing, Mrs. Plinkmann died shortly after consuming a croque madame sandwich purchased at the plaintiff’s establishment. It is the contention of the restaurant, which is represented by the Culinary Law Practice of Rufinus & Rufinus, that “the potential effects of the comestible in question are so plainly laid out in the very name on the menu that a patron who orders it must be regarded as having assumed the risk.”


Officer Chad Welladay of the Missing Persons Department has not shown up for work since Thursday. Anyone with information as to his whereabouts is requested to call the Parking Enforcement Division, since the phone at Missing Persons is just going to voice mail and the inbox is full.


Scandal rocked the world of carbonated beverages yesterday when, only days after the announcement of the special limited-edition “Fruit Quake” flavor of Mountain Dew, a discontented employee at PepsiCo leaked a list of limited-edition flavors planned for future promotions: