Participants wanted for study of the effect of death upon online shopping habits. Participants who complete the study will receive a $50 Amazon gift card. Reply no. 487229.

All world knowledge compressed into one four-page leaflet. Secret process makes it possible. Absolutely free; bank info required to prove your sincerity. Includes complete treatise on avoiding classified-ad scams. Reply no. 487230.

Wanted—old laundry to fill projected world’s largest laundry hamper. Help Grant Borough establish its reputation as the Laundry Capital of the World. Reply no. 487231.

Send me $20.00 and see what it gets you. Reply no. 487232.

Learn to be an invalid! We teach you the skill you need to take your position in the fastest-growing population segment in America. Reply no. 487233.

Sir: No one is more aware than I am that our technology moves forward by ceaseless experiment. Now, when I say that no one is more aware, I ought to qualify that statement by saying that Alex in the downstairs apartment in our duplex may in fact be more aware, because he’s an MIT alum and he’s always reading Technology Review. But what I mean is that I am adequately informed; I am well enough aware to have opinions. And it is my opinion that, while experiment is a good and even necessary thing in the forward march of technology, there are limits, and those limits have been reached when the experiments are taking innocent human lives.

Of all the inventions with which we interact every day, the automobile is one of the most potentially deadly. It therefore behooves us (this is a word I learned from Alex) to examine the results of any unusual experiments in automotive technology with concomitantly unusual care. (Alex is always saying “concomitantly,” and I think I’ve figured out what it means.)

Since 2019, there have been about 65 fatalities associated with self-driving vehicles. In that same period, there was an average of 102 fatalities per day associated with human-driven vehicles.

When experiment and research make the world better, they should be supported. But we can afford such experiments only if we candidly admit the failures. It is long past time to end this deadly experiment with human-driven vehicles. While they may have seemed like a good idea in the abstract, statistics show that humans simply are not capable of operating motor vehicles within acceptable limits of safety. In the future, human beings may be improved, perhaps by selective breeding, and then the question can be revisited. But for the present, we must take the human drivers off the road immediately and restore sanity to our streets and highways. —Sincerely, A Man Who Isn’t Leaving the Duplex Until This Thing Is Sorted Out.

Sir: The famous French pop singer, or chanticleer as they call them in France, Charles de Gaulle once asked, “How do you govern a country with 246 kinds of cheese?” I presume he sang it to the tune of a lovely old French folk song, but regardless, the point was well taken. Sadly, the French government at the time did not rise to the challenge. Whoever was in charge in those days simply ignored De Gaulle’s warning about the cheese menace. Instead of stamping out deviant cheeses and establishing a single national cheese the way the Swiss have done, the French allowed cheeses to multiply and infest every corner of the country. And where is France today? Well, I mean, it’s still there, but it’s France. Enough said.

We in the United States were lucky in the past. There was one cheese for one nation: American cheese. No one but commie perverts ate anything else. But now a trip to your local grocery store is enough to fill you with dismay, at least if you are as proudly Stupid as I am. Even the cheeses made in the USA have names no one can pronounce, like “Havarti” or “Medium Cheddar.” It’s true that there are still piles and piles of American cheese in perfect little individually wrapped slices, the way God created cheese to be sold, but the invasive un-American cheeses are gaining ground and taking up shelf space.

This cannot be allowed to continue. Diversity of cheeses leads to diversity of opinion, and diversity of opinion is the enemy of freedom.

Fortunately it is not too late. It will require vigorous action, but the full power of your federal government is available to squash the cheese menace before it destroys the liberty we hold dear. Now, during this golden time when your federal government is more open than ever to Stupid initiatives, I urge all your readers to sign the petition on the front table at the office of the American Association of Stupid People at One Stupid Square, East Liberty or possibly Belmar (I get them mixed up). We have ballpoint pens available, along with detailed video instructions for their use. We would have put the petition on the Web, but the last time we tried that the power was out in the East End for three days.

Sincerely,
Carton Gherkin IV,
President,
American Association of Stupid People (AAPS).

Sir: It is the duty of every patriot to identify our country’s enemies and work for their defeat. In the case of external enemies, we can rely on them to show their hostility by overt hostile actions, such as electing governments we disapprove of. But internal enemies often disguise themselves as normal Americans, and it takes a keen and observant mind to ferret them out. Fortunately I have just such a keen and observant mind, and facts that might elude most of your readers are obvious to me.

Thus it is clear to me that good people, as a class, are the most damaging enemies we have in these United States. Good people obey the laws, and thus get in our way when we want to get through a school zone in a hurry. Good people protect the rights of others even when they disagree with them, and thus bog us down with nuisance lawsuits when we try to get rid of people who annoy us. Good people research and manage infectious diseases, thus reminding us that there are infectious diseases, which we do not want to think about.

Clearly we must get rid of the good people if we are to prosper and move forward as a nation. Now, if it were up to me, I would just kill them all and solve the problem permanently. But some people might object to that strategy, although I should let you know that if you’re one of those objectors you’ve just put yourself on my suspect list. But I think we can reach a pragmatic compromise. We can simply deport all the good people to a known enemy nation like Canada or Denmark. And I don’t want to hear any sniveling about how those countries can’t handle a massive influx of refugees. There can’t be more than a few dozen good people in the United States, so the countries we deport them to will hardly even notice. —Sincerely, Artemus Garter III, Point Breeze (not North Point Breeze).

The Lincoln Place Civil War Reenactment Society will be reenacting the Congolese civil war this Saturday from 1:00 to 3:30 p.m. Members of the public are earnestly invited to the festivities, as we have not yet rounded up enough people to represent even a tenth of the different factions. Bob Krantz, who was scheduled to reenact the Coalition Congolaise pour le Changement Radical et la Démocratie, will not be able to perform in the reenactment because his wife has decided it is stupid, so he he has asked us to solicit volunteers to act as substitutes.

Sir: I have a suggestion. What I think is that we should take the things that are over here, and put them over there. There are entirely too many things over here, and they clutter the place up. All that clutter leads to traffic congestion and accidents and whatnot, so we are paying a high price for having all those things over here. But if we moved them over there, then they would not be over here. Now, it is quite likely that they would cause just as much clutter and other difficulties over there, but that is only to the moral good of the world. It has been well established that over here is where the good people are, whereas bad people are the ones who exist over there. Whatever inconvenience we cause the bad people is not only justifiable; it is laudable. It would be ideal if evil could simply be eliminated from the world. Of course that cannot be done all at once, but one first step we can make in the direction of ultimate good is to take the excessively accumulated things that are over here and put them all over there.

Sincerely,
Rimbaud Fistula Prack,
Pine Township

Sir: Since I see that others have used your forum to address general difficulties that no other forum seems to take into account, I wonder whether you might give me a little space to protest against the constant mispronunciation of the name of our church. The etymology of the name should be perfectly obvious: it comes from the open-mouthed posture of our congregants as they drink in the Spirit (Lat. Spiritus, breath) while I preach. The name is therefore pronounced as two syllables, not three, with the accent on the second syllable, and the second A pronounced long. I hope this definite statement will clear up any confusion.

Sincerely, The Most Rev. Arnie Spigot,
Archbishop and Business Manager,
Agape Fellowship,
Bethel Park

Sir: As a parent, I have a duty to speak out when I see that my child is not getting the attention she requires. I have discovered that our schools are organized on a false assumption, and since I have been unable to get through the thick layers of administration to someone who would listen to reason, I am forced to turn to your publication to reach the public at large, who are the ultimate authorities in all matters that concern the public at large.

My daughter Rumelia goes to Blandville Elementary, where she is treated as an average school student. But she is not average. My daughter is far above average. She is exceptional, and she needs a school that recognizes her exceptionality. Yet she was not placed in one of the programs for the “gifted,” and I have determined by constant and ruthless inquiry that the number of students so placed in our city schools is very small in proportion to the general population.

However, I have made a survey of parents in my neighborhood, as well as at social events, grocery stores, hookah bars, monster-truck rallies, and axe-throwing establishments, and I have found that almost without exception their children are exceptional. My estimate, based on my weeks of research, is that fewer than ten per cent of children are below average. And that is a generous estimate, since the only parent I spoke to who actually claimed to have a below-average child was Mamie Robinson, who said her son Tad was a bit dim, and I have to agree with her there, because all that kid ever does is sit around and read books all day, and how is he ever going to learn anything that way? But all the other parents I talked to said their kids were above average, and even allowing some margin for error, that’s still got to be nine out of ten kids.

So it is time our school board woke up and faced the fact every parent knows: the average child is above average. Children who are average or below are a small and pitiable minority.

You can see, therefore, the necessity of changing the entire basis of our educational system. Schools should be designed to accommodate the great above-average majority. A few dollars can be set aside for a facility for the average kids, but every child should be assumed gifted until proved otherwise by solid evidence, such as book-reading. The ordinary school program, which will be designed for gifted students, will focus on reinforcing in the students the idea that they are special and deserving. Occasionally one of the students from the school for the average can be brought in as an exhibit for them to sneer at, which should be effective in helping them learn to be special.

But none of this will happen unless we, the parents, wrest control from an apathetic and inflexible school board. That is why I have organized a march to the city Board of Education Building beginning Tuesday at 10 a.m. We will assemble at McCarmody’s Axe Bar on Bland Street, where each participant will be issued a torch or pitchfork, and then the Board will be made to feel the wrath of the multitude. The above-average majority will be oppressed no longer.

Sincerely,
Rumelia’s Mom,
Blandville

Tragedy struck the gaming world Tuesday night when six players of a tabletop science-fiction military-strategy game were killed at the Dragon’s Den Game Grange on Bland Street. According to preliminary reports from city engineers, the building was not so constructed as to handle the weight of the 187,024-page rule book the players were attempting to consult to resolve a dispute over whether a deciduous tree counted as ½ cover or ¼ cover if the game was set in late autumn. Family members have announced that funeral games will be held in the Consolidated Lead Brick Manufacturing Company warehouse in Chateau, whose floors are rated for a load of 1,850 pounds per square foot.

Sir: Since there has been a bit of a storm over me on social media over the past few days, I thought it would be wise to use your forum to explain myself and address the fundamental misunderstandings that lie behind the vocal objections by certain fanatics.

As a film director, I take pride in my work and my reputation. I believe a mere list of some of my works—Heavens II Betsy, Atlas Shrugged IV: Who Moved John Galt’s Cheese?, Othella the Mare of Venice, and the acknowledged classic Herb and Irv Hit Themselves on the Head with Hammers, for example—would suffice to establish my bona fides as an artist. When, therefore, I make an aesthetic decision, it is not made on a whim. It is a carefully considered choice made on the basis of a sound understanding of aesthetic theory.

No discovery in aesthetics has been more profound than the discovery that the only truly cinematic colors are orange and teal. It has forever changed the way films are made. Now set designers know to paint all walls teal, and costume designers know to specify only teal fabrics, and lighting artists know to place an orange filter over their lights, so that the actors will appear to be orange heads bobbing in a sea of teal. The heads can be made even oranger, and the backgrounds and costumes tealer, in post-production. No other aesthetic is truly cinematic.

Unfortunately, this discovery limits the kinds of actors we can employ. The orange lights will be effective on White actors, and on most East Asian actors as long as they are not from too southern a latitude. But they simply will not work on Black actors. It is not possible even in post-production to make a Black actor’s face look orange in a natural way, according to the highly artificial convention of naturalness that the orange-and-teal dogma requires. This is not racism: it is simple hard cinematic fact.

So it is perfectly true that I posted a sign on the casting office that said “NO BLACKS NEED APPLY,” but this was meant to be a kindness that would spare potential applicants trouble and embarrassment. The paper grocery bag hung by the sign for comparison purposes was meant to be a handy guide that would help applicants know in advance whether they were wasting their time, although it is rendered useless by the thick encrustation of very impolite graffiti that seems to overwhelm every bag I hang up there. In everything I have done, I have been true to my aesthetic principles, but I have also attempted to be kind and accommodating to the people affected by those principles.

I hope therefore, that, having made this explanation, I may be permitted to continue filming my all-orange-and-teal cinematic version of Two Trains Running without the interruptions that have plagued the production in the past few days.

Sincerely,
Monty McCarrion,
Director,
Pantocrator Pictures