Posts filed under “Press Clippings”
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I asked for a cup of tea at the coffeehouse around the corner, not the one where they have the mimes, but the other one, and they handed me a foam cup with a teabag in it, and the teabag had a tag dangling from it. And this was the message on the tag: “Trust your identity; be in touch with your reality.” Well, my reality never calls. It never even sends a postcard. My reality and I haven’t spoken since 2014, when I told my reality to take a hike. And my identity was stolen by Slovenian hackers last October, so I certainly don’t trust that. So I think we should tell these big tea companies, first of all, you can just keep out of my personal life, thank you very much, and in return we won’t ask you about your relatives. And second, it’s not “tea” unless it’s made from Camellia sinensis, okay? So don’t go telling me peppermint and licorice root and dogbane and lawn clippings all stuffed into a little bag make “tea,” because you’re not fooling anybody but yourselves. —Sincerely, Name Withheld Against My Will.
IN THE NEWS.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: It is clear that whoever runs the National Weather Service is a complete incompetent. Yesterday it snowed. In December! Yes, there was free crushed ice all over the ground—in the middle of December, when the temperature was twenty-eight degrees outside. I don’t need ice everywhere when it’s cold outside, for Pete’s sake. I need it in August, when it’s hot as blazes. But no—every August I end up having to buy my own ice. Then December rolls around, and they start giving it away for free. No wonder the government runs on a deficit. I’m tired of paying taxes for giant entitlement programs that benefit literally no one. I wrote my Congresswoman at the Capitol, but the letter was returned marked “NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS,” so I’m writing you instead. Either we should sort out the mess at the National Weather Service and get the right weather to the right places at the right times, or we should just give up on weather and let private enterprise take care of it. Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could you run a missing-persons ad for my congresswoman? —Sincerely Zimmerman P. Zummer, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Canning, Duck Hollow University.
TODAY’S TOP SEVEN CLICKBAIT HEADLINES
Are headlines in question form destroying our democracy?
New government program may be worth millions to everyone who breathes air.
The 14 things you’re doing wrong when you floss.
Bad things happened to Edgar. They will make you angry.
Did you drink cola between 2007 and 2015? Here’s what your intestines look like.
Stop global warming, end hunger, and create lasting world peace with this one weird trick.
We opened a can of condensed tomato soup. What we found probably won’t surprise you.
IN LEGAL NEWS.
MISSING PERSON ALERT.
IN BUSINESS NEWS.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
Pittsburgh Regional Transit has asked us to remind passengers on the Red Line to board only authorized trolleys. Pittsburgh Regional Transit will not be responsible for damage or loss incurred on unauthorized trolley runs.
This year’s Blandville Lite-Up Nite parade will feature an appearance by the Royal Canadian Mounted Sanitation Engineers, who are touring the States to raise awareness for something or other.
Horace Hinckel’s Penny Candy Emporium has agreed to sponsor this year’s Bland Street Christmas wreaths, which have been obtained from the Edwards Street Wreath Rental Corporation of Beltzhoover. Mr. Edwards said that it was the first time he had ever seen $15,000 in pennies.
City Councilwoman Stacey Whatsername has opened a satellite office on Bland Street next door to her regular Bland Street office. Stop in and welcome her to the neighborhood!