Posts filed under “Press Clippings”
DON’T CROSS MRS. BLINSKO.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I was walking on Butler Street this morning when, quite suddenly and without any warning that I had noticed, my phone screen went blank.
This was the most appalling catastrophe I could remember, although I couldn’t remember much because how could I without my phone? Suddenly the familiar real world, the world I live in every day through my phone screen, was snatched away from me and extinguished, and in place of the rational digital universe that makes sense to me, I was plunged into a nightmare realm cobbled together from primitive material parts. Human-like creatures made of some sort of meat-like substance were marching up and down the sidewalk, some rationally gazing into phone screens, but others staring straight ahead of them like beasts, as though navigating in this surreal world of flesh and dirt could be accomplished with the eyes alone, without the assistance of Gemini or Siri. Most horrifying of all, some of them appeared to be engaging in unmediated conversation, mouth to ear, without the interposition of cameras and microphones.
What a dreadful state of things! I saw colors and heard frequencies the human mind was never meant to process. Above all, the mad world I fell into was appallingly huge, with a hugeness that could never be compressed into the sane dimensions of a phone. I felt cast adrift on some kind of body of water so enormous that one could not even see the other side of it, if such a thing were possible.
Now, my terror was brief, as moments later my phone started up again, and a reassuring message appeared on the screen to say that my operating system had been updated.
But what if it had been a real failure? What if the battery had discharged completely? What if one of the internal components had failed? The universe would have been destroyed at that moment, and I would have been forced back to the animal state of poking my way through a world of material objects by instinct!
Clearly there is a weak spot in the fabric of our reality that requires reinforcement. Immediate action is essential if we are to prevent tragedy. First, and most importantly, we must take steps to make sure phone screens are no longer capable of going blank. Even the thirty seconds during which my screen was black plunged me into depths of terror that must have taken years off my life. But second, while we are strengthening our electronic infrastructure. some temporary measures must be taken. I suggest that, if it is possible for government agents to venture into the world of the material without losing their sanity, the government should undertake to drape the most terror-inspiring sights, such as the uncanny bipedal meat agglomerations, with some kind of material popover, so that they cannot be seen without deliberately tapping on them. It may require effort, but think of the consequences if the effort is not made! Any mass-blanking event in our phone population would result in a epidemic of insanity, and insanity is fun only when it is experienced through social media. We must take steps now to prevent good sane Americans from falling out of the real world into the material world, and we must do it before the insidious forces of materiality have a chance to sneak up on us. —Sincerely, Japheth22843, Facebook.
IN RELIGIOUS NEWS.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I was just in the public library this afternoon. Now, I would not like it to be supposed that I am in the habit of frequenting such dens of iniquity. In fact I had the wrong address: I was looking for a massage parlor. But anyway, once I was there, I found a table right inside the door with a prominent display of “banned books.”
There were two appalling things about this display, and I shall enumerate them from 1 to 2.
First (1.), the so-called ban on these books is completely ineffectual. I mean, it said right on the sign that these were banned books, but there they were in the public library, a place that is by definition not only a library but also public. Whatever bureau or authority or subcontractor was responsible for banning these books botched the job completely, and everybody involved should be fired.
But second (2.), and more appalling, these books were mostly fiction, much of it by recognized fictionmongers like Mark Twain and Daniel Defoe. Fiction is by nature harmless, because we know it is not true. There is a kind of implied contract between the author and the reader, under which the author agrees to narrate events that never happened, and the reader agrees not to expect anything true in the book. Whoever tried to ban these books had no understanding of what makes a book dangerous, and therefore should not be attempting book-banning at all. What makes a book dangerous is truth, and books that contain true assertions, and especially books that encourage their readers to act on those asserted truths, are the ones that need to be banned.
Since it is obvious that the people in charge of banning books are incompetent, I have taken it upon myself to devise a list—not of books to be banned, since new books are still being produced and may continue to be produced in the future, but rather a list of criteria by which it may be determined which of all present and future books are to be prohibited. In making my list I have assumed that the goal of banning books is to preserve good order and to promote correct Christian religion.
Therefore, I would begin by banning all books that teach the principles of arithmetic. It is an axiom of both good order and good religion that the duly elected governing powers are to be respected and obeyed, but obedience is difficult and respect impossible when anyone who knows how to operate a pocket calculator can prove that the duly elected governing powers are all dunderheads. Therefore it is necessary that the young people of the future should be ignorant of the basic principles of mathematics. Fortunately we have already made great strides toward that goal, but all our progress in ignorance could be undone by a few deviously well-edited books.
Second, I would ban all books that teach science, such as physics, chemistry, astronomy, and above all biology. If our young people get their heads filled with such seductive certainties as science promotes, they will begin to suggest or even demand that matters of public policy should be decided on a scientific basis, which once again would put an end to respect and obedience.
Finally, I would ban the Bible, at least in its unexpurgated form. Can anything be more contrary to good patriotic American Christianity than the teachings of Christ? Could our virtuous and correct capitalist system survive if our young people took “woe unto you that are rich” seriously? Is there any more direct assault on the very idea of order than “the last shall be first, and the first last”? If we must have Bibles, let them be purged of such anti-Christian rabblerousing. But it is my belief that most good and honest Christians buy Bibles only to display the bindings and would never think of opening the book. My suggestion, therefore, would be to use the space inside the binding for something other than pages, such as candy or a flask of bourbon. In fact the same could be done with the other books on our banned list, and thus honest booksellers could continue to peddle their wares without spreading the contagion of dangerous ideas.
Your readers may have noticed that I have left books of history off the list. That is a conscious omission, since experience has proved that no one ever learns anything from history.
At any rate, the book-banning business is obviously in need of a thorough reform, and I believe my suggestions, if they do not solve every problem posed by the menace of nonfiction books, would at least go a long way toward reassuring honest and patriotic citizens that the problems are recognized and are being addressed by competent authorities.
Sincerely,
Arvin L. Finial,
Library (the town)
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
PERSONALS.
To Zelda: You said “Carpe diem,” but I was unable to find a carp. Please communicate with revised advice. Reply no. 339285.
If Sadie Witherplate, alias Ronaldina Irpensprite, alias Sir Geoffrey Hogshead, alias Alina Malina McGuick, alias Nancy Orbendorben, alias Katherine Katherinesdottir, alias Dame Olga Perimeter, will apply to the following address, she will hear something to her disadvantage. Internal Revenue Service, Western Pennsylvania suboffice, Federal Building, downtown, no. 339286.
Looking for wife. Left her at the altar, but was drunk out of mind and cannot remember which altar. Also name and description—cannot remember those, either. Reformed Husband, no. 339287.
Copy editor seeks rich error-prone author, object matrimony and publication. I’m female, brunette, late twenties, lightning quick with a red pencil. You’re male, 25–45, independently wealthy, literary-minded, poor speller. Reply no. 339288.
To E. K.: Imagine my chagrin! There. That will give you something to do.
Chess champion seeks tutor to teach her checkers. Reply no. 339289.
Dishonest man seeks victims for Ponzi scheme. First time trying something of this nature, so looking for easy marks. If this works out, opportunities to be defrauded in other ways may be in your future. Reply no. 339290.
UNIVERSAL BROTHERHOOD.
An issue of the Australian magazine Dawn from September 1, 1922, caught his eye yesterday—mostly because of the graphics on the front cover. It bills itself as “A Magazine Devoted to the Promotion of Universal Brotherhood.”
So, as you may imagine, the entire issue is devoted to exposing the wickedness going on in the Theosophical Society, an organization devoted to the promotion of universal brotherhood.
It is necessary for Dawn to expose a great deal of cant and humbug, which unhappily is at the moment rampant in the Theosophical Society. The trouble is, that a small coterie, consisting of Mrs. Besant, Mr. Leadbeater, and Mr. Jinarajadasa (with power to add to their number), usurp the sole right to interpret the will of “Masters” who, they claim, wish to direct the activities of the Society through them.
This coterie has broken entirely away from the original aims of the Society, and is deliberately introducing all sorts of fads into it, with the result that a state of ferment is now chronic.
And so on. We shall quote a few paragraphs more or less at random from the magazine, just to give our readers an idea of what universal brotherhood looks like.
Some of the Canadian Lodges have been greatly disturbed by the astounding claims made by, and on behalf of, theosophical “leaders.” They evidently wonder what is to happen next, and, by way of self-assertion and protest, several Lodges are issuing pamphlets on topical subjects.
In 1894, Mrs. Besant and Mr. Judge openly quarrelled, and as the Canadian circular points out, Mr. Judge asserted his authority, and expelled Mrs. Besant from the E.S. News reaches us as we go to press that no less an authority than Mr. B. P. Wadia (one who has always been predisposed to support Mrs. Besant’s interests, and was for years her business manager) has, while in America, carefully reviewed the old causus belli between Mr. Judge and Mrs. Besant, with the result that he now declares Mr. Judge to have been a valiant servant of the Masters, who has been wronged in the Theosophical Society, and whose teachings remain unknown to this day to its members.
Judging from the evidence immediately available, one is tempted to suppose that the definition of Brotherhood which would find widest acceptance in the T.S. at the present time is that “Brotherhood is the ability of other people to agree with ME.”
This, then, is evidently the secret cause of our President’s—shall we say eccentric?—policy. H.P.B. looked for the establishment of a nucleus of Universal Brotherhood without distinction of Race, Caste, Creed, Colour, etc., and a careful elimination of all tendency to sectarianism, so that when the next great Torch Bearer came at the end of this century, there would be something solid for him to work with and through. Mrs. Besant has other ideas—she is the Moses who is to gather together a little band of followers who will subserve everything to the capacity to follow her into the wilderness, or anywhere else, and become the nucleus of a new race.
From an open letter to Mrs. Besant: You have yourself placed the rock which is dividing the Theosophical stream, upon which the Theosophical ship may split in pieces. You have placed loyalty to personality above loyalty to principle, and in supporting Leadbeater you are ruining the T.S.…
In bidding you farewell, and leaving the E.S., I choose to serve no personality, but turn with eyes of faith to the unchanging, eternal Spirit of Truth.
The Sectional Offices in Sydney seem to have been most upset by the recent readjustment, and the General Secretary evidently considers that “loyalty to our leaders” consists of disloyalty to everybody else. Aided by the Vice-President, a systematic course of mis-representation of Sydney Lodge now seems to be the order of the day, and some very remarkable efforts in this direction have been made.…
The General Secretary admitted recently that he was working against the Sydney Lodge, and that he was spreading what amounts to malicious gossip against certain of its members, all of which, of course, we hear. Doubtless he is qualifying for an early “initiation” by these tactics, but the Sydney Lodge (which contributes the lion’s share towards his maintenance) has a right to an impartial service from him, and should consider its attitude towards the section if it does not get it.
So the next time someone offers you the promise of universal brotherhood, you may wish to refuse it—with thanks for the offer, of course. “It’s very kind of you,” you might explain, “but I don’t think I have what it takes for universal brotherhood. I haven’t made enough enemies yet.”
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: The great problem facing our nation today is a lack of character in our youth. There is no royal road to character: it can be attained only by hardship and toil. Therefore it is vitally important that Americans have more children, because once we start building up the character of our young people, it is inevitable that a certain percentage of our children—roughly half—will not survive these character-building experiences. Only when we have an adequate and comfortable child surplus can we take the necessary steps to make sure that our children grow up virtuous.
How to accomplish this surplus I leave to the experts—the ornithologists and agricultural extension agencies and what have you. I understand that storks are involved in some capacity, which, if it is true, suggests that our nation also needs to build more disused chimneys as nesting sites. As is so often the case, one necessity leads another along in its train, and soon the suburbs are planted with cabbage patches as far as the eye can see. But the important thing is to get started now, so that I can start building some real character in those brats next door and not have to worry too much about “child abuse” and other outmoded concepts that stand in the way of virtue. —Sincerely, Prof. Margaret Tumble, President, Campaign for a Virtuous America.