Sir: Why are so many allegedly poor people fat? It’s disgusting, that’s what it is. They suck up public money for food stamps, when obviously they have way too much food, not too little. I never let myself go like that. I bought a gym membership, and I work out every day. I have a whole roomful of top-rated exercise machines at home for when the gym is closed. I shop at Whole Foods and make sure to buy the most wholesome gluten-free all-natural fair-trade vegan-approved ingredients. If these so-called poor people would do what I do, they wouldn’t be so disgustingly overweight. —Sincerely, Lord MacBloat of That Ilk, Ilkington Heights.

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