Sir:

Do you know what the problem with the world today is? The problem with the world today is injustice. And do you know what the cause of the injustice that is the problem with the world today is? The cause of the injustice that is the problem with the world today is alphabetical order.

Why must the underprivileged majority groan under the domination of a privileged class of Abingdons and Aaronsons? Why does a mere accident of birth entitle the alphabetical nobility to first place in every line? It is merely because the powerful, the A’s and B’s of the world, have conspired to maintain the fiction that there is an order to the alphabet.

Think about it for a moment. Think longer than that if you like. What is there in nature that causes Q to come after P? Nothing whatsoever! It is a mere fiction, forced upon us by the elite to grind us under their boots. In the state of nature, no letter comes before another, and as we all know the state of nature is the only state of perfect justice.

The day of reckoning has come. The oppressed have risen against their oppressors. We demand justice, and nothing will bring justice but complete alphabetic randomization. The fiction that there is an order to the letters of the alphabet can no longer be maintained. Justice is what we demand, and justice is what we shall have.

The Alphabetic Reform Society
Johannes Zortman, president
Rebecca Zymurge, vice-president
Timaeus Zuckerkandl, secretary