Sir: Do you know what’s wrong with the world today? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the world today. People keep telling us what’s wrong with the world today, but they never do anything about it.

Take these kids today. Everyone knows what’s wrong with them: they’re always fiddling with their phones, posting on social media and texting their friends and taking pictures of things and suchlike, instead of sitting inert in front of the television like I did when I was their age.

Yes, everybody knows it, but nobody does anything about it!

Well, I’m doing something. I’ve built a reeducation camp on my mountain property near Wheeling, and every time I come across one of these kids who are more interested in their phone screens than they are in me, I bonk the said kid on his head and carry him off to camp to be educated. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but most of them come around just fine after the bonk, and the ones who don’t weren’t much use to anyone anyway.

So, you see, I’m doing my bit to save the coming generation from themselves. But I could use some help. First of all, I can only bonk so many, and it would help if other patriotic citizens would follow my example, until we can truly say we have left no teenager unbonked. But secondly, I have about a gross of kids in an undisclosed location, and any donations of canned goods and non-perishable foods would be appreciated. Thank you very much for giving me the forum to announce my message of hope for the future.

Sincerely,
Gaston de Bonque,
Edgeworth