Sir: So here we are again celebrating Labor Day, when all the yammering imbeciles in the country hop up on their soapboxes to declaim upon the virtues of the humble worker, etc., etc., and another year has gone by, and there is still no federal holiday for the exploiters of the masses.

Yes, these working stiffs put in long hours for low pay in degrading and often dangerous jobs. But who puts up the money for the hot and grubby factories they toil in? Who signs their meager paychecks? Who has the sheer courageous determination to ignore the hazards and if necessary cover up safety violations and workplace injuries so that the wheels of industry can keep turning? Wherever there are workers, one of us is exploiting them, or there would be no workers. Yet here it is, the first Monday in September, and still no holiday for us!

And what about the gentlemen and ladies of leisure who never lift a finger because they have inherited a pile of cash from their finger-lifting forebears, or because, having squeezed millions out of the lowly workers under their command in past years, they are now placed beyond the need for finger-lifting? Without their constant demand for luxury goods, the toiling workers would have no toil wherewith to toil!

Well, this is the last year we in the labor-creating classes are going to be ignored. Beginning tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m. (the earliest any of us were willing to get up), we, the members of the Amalgamated Federation of Exploiters, will hold our breaths until we turn blue, and we will not stop until the President of the United States signs the bill currently before the Senate of the same declaring the first Thursday in June a federal holiday under the title Exploiters Day. Collective action such as this is necessary to assure the well-being of those of us who are privileged not to have to care about your well-being. You have been given fair warning; now it is up to you, the exploited masses, to make sure that your hired toadies in government do the right thing. —Sincerely, L. Wickerseat Brougham, Secretary, Amalgamated Federation of Exploiters.