Condiment-hater.

---

Dear Dr. Boli: What’s Greek philosophy all about? My professor at Yohogania Community College wants an essay on “what Greek philosophy was all about,” and she says it has to be at least 250 words. She said we should read some Greek philosophy to get some idea, but I have a medical condition that prevents me from caring, so I was wondering if you could, like, summarize it for me. —Sincerely, Alison.

Dear Miss: The main subject of Greek philosophy is the morality of condiments. Other topics come up from time to time, such as batty theories of astronomy and the important question of whether certain human beings are slaves by nature or by happenstance. But if you read any Greek philosophy at all, you will see that the conversation keeps coming back around to condiments. The number of pentasyllabic Greek words devoted to the issue of condiment morality outweighs the number of words devoted to any other subject in Greek philosophy, so you need only think of 249 other words to put the word “condiments” in some sort of context, and your essay will be finished.