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Dear Dr. Boli: I just got a letter from Investomat, a company that describes itself as “a registered investment adviser and on-line technology provider.” Investomat claims to work with my broker to provide me with investment advisory services, which is news to me, because I thought my broker came up with his advice by getting roaring drunk and throwing darts at a list of companies on the wall of his office. They say they’re sending me this letter to provide a summary of material changes to their company, and my first problem was that I couldn’t figure out what material they were talking about. But that’s not the main thing. The main thing is that I had trouble understanding this sentence: “Investomat, Inc., the parent company of Investomat, was acquired by affiliates of vehicles managed or advised by Trade-O-Rama Capital Private Equity, LP,” and a date and some other stuff, but when I got to the “vehicles” part my brain stopped processing, and I was wondering whether you think I should bail out of the stock market altogether. What does it mean? —Sincerely, Trust-Fund Tillie, the Belle of Blawnox.

Dear Madam: It means that your investments are now managed by an assortment of people associated with a 1983 Ford Escort, so you have nothing to worry about. The Escort has about as good a record as anyone else at predicting the fluctuations of the stock market, and it has the advantage of being more economical to operate than other antique vehicles.

Comments

Occasional Correspondent says:

January 4, 2025 at 2:16 pm

A comeback model of the Escort? All electric with AI self-driving and investment advice: the Ford e-Scort. Frighteningly, the scenario of My Mother The Car may be technologically possible. That TV series could come back as My Mother The Smartphone or My Mother The App — or, worse, My Mother The Brain Implant. No, wait, we’ve lived with My Mother The Brain Implant for thousands of generations now, frightening, perhaps, but familiar. Hi, mom!

RepubAnon says:

January 4, 2025 at 3:28 pm

If Trade-O-Rama Capital Private Equity, LP manages or advises vehicles, they’re probably a rental car agency. Given the amount of data that modern cars gather about their owners, perhaps Trade-O-Rama Capital Private Equity, LP monitors the car of business executives to obtain stock tips.

- JJ says:
  
  January 4, 2025 at 7:23 pm
  
  This is in essence what kicks off the movie Let It Ride (Dreyfuss, Johansen, Garr, &al.)(1980s) — cab drivers have the passenger compartment miked and pick up investing and gambling tips. If it happens in a movie, it happens in real life — Pictures! So it DID happen! — I’m sure this is an accepted scientific principle.