Owing to inclement weather, the inauguration will be held in the old Hecht Company warehouse on New York Avenue.

1. Motorcade to the venue is lost going around Logan Circle for 34 minutes.

2. Motorcade reaches venue; argument about protocol with warehouse security guard.

3. Musical prelude by the East Sioux Falls High School Marching Band.

4. Poem: “I Am Overwhelmed by the Importance of This Occasion,” by incoming Poet Laureate Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.

5. Musical selection: “No Motherland Without You,” performed by special guests the People’s Revolutionary Glee Club of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

6. Inauguration. (N.B.—In order to avoid bogging down the proceedings with crusty boring ritual, the President-Elect has asked that the Oath of Office be omitted on this occasion.)

7. Silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

8. Cheeseburgers!

9. Inaugural Ball, featuring the Syrup Tones, Silver Spring’s most famous Guy Lombardo cover band.