Wanted by a competent young lady, position on team of con artists with colorful personalities who spend one hour a week righting wrongs and causing justice to prevail in the universe. Have watched multiple television programs demonstrating techniques, so consider self expert. Reply no. 338693 with particulars and list of personal quirks.

Wanted by strong young man, position opening jars for respectable family. Have mastered techniques for opening the most stubborn jars. Pickles a specialty. Will accept position for room and board plus ten per cent of contents of jars. Reply no. 338694.

Wanted by middle-aged Protestant woman, position as governess in Byzantine Catholic family. Tired of the same old grind. Want to walk on the wild side for a while. Reply no. 338695.

Wanted by educated young man, situation sitting on couch playing video games twelve hours a day. Can provide proof of high scores. Reply with salary and description of couch, no. 338696.

Wanted by costumed superhero, position as clerk in dry-goods establishment. My superpower is ability to retrieve items from stock with more than usual alacrity. Tried fighting crime, but criminals eluded my superpower, and my therapist suggests a career more suited to my abilities. Reply no. 338697.