To Zelda: You said “Carpe diem,” but I was unable to find a carp. Please communicate with revised advice. Reply no. 339285.

If Sadie Witherplate, alias Ronaldina Irpensprite, alias Sir Geoffrey Hogshead, alias Alina Malina McGuick, alias Nancy Orbendorben, alias Katherine Katherinesdottir, alias Dame Olga Perimeter, will apply to the following address, she will hear something to her disadvantage. Internal Revenue Service, Western Pennsylvania suboffice, Federal Building, downtown, no. 339286.

Looking for wife. Left her at the altar, but was drunk out of mind and cannot remember which altar. Also name and description—cannot remember those, either. Reformed Husband, no. 339287.

Copy editor seeks rich error-prone author, object matrimony and publication. I’m female, brunette, late twenties, lightning quick with a red pencil. You’re male, 25–45, independently wealthy, literary-minded, poor speller. Reply no. 339288.

To E. K.: Imagine my chagrin! There. That will give you something to do.

Chess champion seeks tutor to teach her checkers. Reply no. 339289.

Dishonest man seeks victims for Ponzi scheme. First time trying something of this nature, so looking for easy marks. If this works out, opportunities to be defrauded in other ways may be in your future. Reply no. 339290.