Announcer. And now Malt-O-Cod, the delicious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Fanfare played on a portable reed organ.)

Announcer. The Adventures of Superego!

(Music: March theme on organ, under for…)

Announcer. Yes, it’s Superego, the hero your parents want you to admire. Dressed respectably in a dark grey suit with deep maroon necktie, Superego fights an unending battle against the forces of chaos and wanton doyourownthingism.

(Music: In full, then fade.)

Announcer. As you recall, in our last episode, Superego had finally come face to face with Sir Edward Iddington, a diabolical villain who insists that he has the right to do what he wants because he’s a big boy now.

Superego. You’re wearing one mauve sock and one red sock with a green Christmas tree on it. What would your mother say?

Sir Edward. Irrelevant! I can do what I want! I’m a big boy now!

Superego. Yes, but what will people think when they see your mismatched socks?

Sir Edward. They will think that I have ankles! And they will be perfectly correct!

Superego. Well, I came here to negotiate with you about the articles of capitulation you sent to the Secretary General of the United Nations, but I’m not sure I can get past the socks thing. Do you really think that the Security Council will agree to turn over control of all their armed forces to a man who can’t match his socks? And I haven’t even brought up the plaid jacket with striped pants. You look like a used-car salesman. Supervillains who get ahead in the world are the ones who dress respectably. I mean, look at Vladimir Putin. Except when he’s posing for pinup calendars, he’s always in a suit and tie. And his socks match.

Sir Edward. Ha! That is because Putin is a supervillain without imagination! He is hardly super at all! His puny proletarian mind can imagine nothing beyond conquest and world domination—the poor, circumscribed dreams of an idle schoolboy!

Superego. But you just demanded the entire United Nations submit to your unlimited authority. How are your dreams any less circumscribed?

Sir Edward. A mere stepping-stone! An intermediate stage! A way-station on the route to my ultimate victory! A Howard Johnson’s on the turnpike to my ideal world!

Superego. And what will you do with the world once you have it under your control?

Sir Edward. I will give it liberty!

Superego. Liberty? But we already have liberty. We have a republican form of government, under which the people elect representatives to make the laws by which they are governed. This is the only sure foundation of personal freedom.

Sir Edward. Incorrect! You have negated your argument by your own words! The people make laws! Where there are laws, there is no freedom!

Superego. Then how would you govern the world?

Sir Edward. I would give the people liberty! They will want to eat ice cream for dinner, and I will say, Yes! You may! They will want to leap off the porch roof to see if they can fly, and I will say, Yes! You may! They will want to lynch their immigrant neighbors for speaking Spanish at home, and I will say, Yes! You may! They will want to blow up public buildings just to watch them go boom, and I will say, Yes! You may!

Superego. But that’s complete chaos. The human race couldn’t survive that kind of anarchy. We’d be extinct in a year.

Sir Edward. Precisely! I will give the people rope enough to hang themselves, and I will say, Yes! You may! And then there will be no one left to tell me what to do! Ha! Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha!

Announcer. Is this the end of civilization as we know it? Don’t miss next week’s philosophy-packed episode of the Adventures of Superego!

(Music: March theme, in full and under for…)

Announcer. Of course, girls and boys, when you talk about liberty, there’s only one freedom that really matters. That’s the freedom to drink Malt-O-Cod morning, noon, and evening, and any time you get a craving for the rich, satisfying flavor of malt from contented barley and oil from the cream of the North Atlantic cod fisheries. Tell your parents you’ll stage a revolution if you don’t get your Malt-O-Cod every day. And, in honor of America’s upcoming 250th, look for the red, white, and blue powder in specially marked packages. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod!

(Music: In full, then out.)