Dear Dr. Boli: A friend of ours died recently, and her family told us she had “donated her body to science.” We’ve never been STEM people, so we’re wondering if there are opportunities available to donate one’s body to philosophy or poetry or Portuguese literature. Do you know of any? —Sincerely, Mort Alcoil in Bridgeville.

Dear Sir: The problem with donating one’s body to poetry is that the poets usually want to give it back after they have moped over it for a while, and no one wants to deal with returns. Philosophers, on the other hand, will start arguing with your relatives while the said relatives are still lugging the body bag, which may encourage your heirs to think that dropping the package off a bridge would be a more expeditious method of disposal. As for Portuguese literature, it is underappreciated outside Portugal, and your heirs would probably have to buy a separate plane ticket for you if you are still mostly intact, thus substantially raising the cost of the donation.

If you are set on donating your body to the humanities, therefore, Dr. Boli would suggest that you consider donating it to conceptual art. If your local art museum does not know any current artists who would jump at the chance to make artistic use of your remains, then your local art museum simply does not know many current artists.