Capricorn. “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.” The stars have been thinking about Shakespeare a lot lately and wishing you would read more of him.

Aquarius. In the past, some of your difficulties have been attributable to destiny, but this one was pretty much your fault from start to finish.

Pisces. The stars are as surprised as everybody else. They have an alibi.

Aries. Take a little responsibility for once. Go buy a self-help book or something, and leave the stars out of it.

Taurus.

He who laughs and runs away
Lives to laugh another day.

That’s pretty clever, isn’t it? The stars just thought of that one this morning while they were in the shower. Incidentally, you should probably be doing some running right about now, because there’s nothing the stars can do that will get you out of this one.

Gemini. If you try to blame the stars for this one, the stars will tell everyone who set that brush fire in old Mr. Block’s hedges back in the seventh grade.

Cancer. Oh, buck up. The stars are dealing with budget cuts, too, but you don’t hear them whining like that.

Leo. You can’t blame the stars for this one. The pull of their gravitational force is infinitesimal compared with the great sucking maw of your own stupidity.

Virgo. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past got you into this mess, so don’t expect the stars to get you out of it.

Libra. Read the stars’ disclaimer more thoroughly the next time. Meanwhile, the stars feel a little bit sheepish, but they admit no legal responsibility.

Scorpio. The stars have their own problems. How would you like it if they came looking to you for advice about their love lives every day?

Sagittarius. You go through life pigeonholing people in irrelevant categories and then dismissing them with a snap judgment. It’s your own fault when they turn on you, but it’s no surprise, because you Sagittarians are all alike.