Sir:

We have grown weary of all these complaints that the government “wastes” billions of dollars on military hardware that does not work as intended. It is high time someone stepped up to defend manufacturers who put the interests of humanity above sordid profits. Are these self-appointed “watchdogs” entirely devoid of human feeling? The fact that most military hardware is inoperable as delivered is all that stands between us and Armageddon.

Sincerely,
Nicholas D. Chabraja,
Chairman,
General Dynamics Corporation

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Sir:

I was wondering whether you could help me. I seem to have lost a cufflink. The article is of little value in itself, but I believe it may be still attached to the cuff, which is also missing. The cuff was attached to my shirt, and right now I look rather silly.

Sincerely,
Fr. Archibald Wibble, O.B.E.

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Sir:

City Council’s recent decision to ban upholstered furniture from unenclosed front porches has been devastating to the old-couch industry throughout the metropolis. As I survey my vast showroom, filled with tattered sofas of every description gaily spilling stuffing onto the floor, I ask myself whether my business can survive at all without the steady stream of university students that used to pour in after every football game in search of flammable upholstery. Rounding up old sofas from front porches in the university neighborhoods and setting them ablaze has been a celebratory tradition since time immemorial. Have the members of City Council gone mad with power? Have they no regard for the rights of honest retailers? Does no one recall that this is exactly how Hitler began his reign of terror in 1932? And Stalin, and Mussolini, and Pol Pot, and Lyndon Johnson? I despair for the future of this country. Meanwhile, if any of your readers will visit Irv’s Upholstery Jungle between now and June 1, they will find a number of attractive bargains available for no money down and surprisingly affordable monthly payments.

Sincerely,
Irving Horsehair