Sir: It is the duty of every patriot to identify our country’s enemies and work for their defeat. In the case of external enemies, we can rely on them to show their hostility by overt hostile actions, such as electing governments we disapprove of. But internal enemies often disguise themselves as normal Americans, and it takes a keen and observant mind to ferret them out. Fortunately I have just such a keen and observant mind, and facts that might elude most of your readers are obvious to me.

Thus it is clear to me that good people, as a class, are the most damaging enemies we have in these United States. Good people obey the laws, and thus get in our way when we want to get through a school zone in a hurry. Good people protect the rights of others even when they disagree with them, and thus bog us down with nuisance lawsuits when we try to get rid of people who annoy us. Good people research and manage infectious diseases, thus reminding us that there are infectious diseases, which we do not want to think about.

Clearly we must get rid of the good people if we are to prosper and move forward as a nation. Now, if it were up to me, I would just kill them all and solve the problem permanently. But some people might object to that strategy, although I should let you know that if you’re one of those objectors you’ve just put yourself on my suspect list. But I think we can reach a pragmatic compromise. We can simply deport all the good people to a known enemy nation like Canada or Denmark. And I don’t want to hear any sniveling about how those countries can’t handle a massive influx of refugees. There can’t be more than a few dozen good people in the United States, so the countries we deport them to will hardly even notice. —Sincerely, Artemus Garter III, Point Breeze (not North Point Breeze).