Dear Dr. Boli: My wife sent me to the state store to pick up some connecticut, but when I got there all they had was booze and stuff. So I decided I’d get some vodka, since my boss is driving me to drink, and I might as well get started. When I got to the vodka aisle, I was amazed and a little intimidated by the variety of brands, and even more by the variety of prices. There were big bottles priced at six bucks, and bottles the same size priced at eighty bucks. At first I thought the expensive ones must be the good ones, and the cheap ones must be the bad ones. But then I looked at the cheapest of the lot—$4.99 on sale till the end of the month—and I noticed the label said “Premium” and “Finest Made.”

So I guess I just don’t understand vodka. If the finest vodka made costs five dollars, why do other vodkas cost eighty dollars? I can’t make any sense out of it. —Sincerely, a husband who decided to get drunk on a good Côtes-du-Rhône instead.

Dear Sir: Vodka is basically distilled compost, so there is very little difference in quality between one vodka and another. In that sense any brand of vodka may claim to be the finest made. The price, therefore, depends on the quality of the graphic design on the label. The higher the price, the more the label conforms to the latest trends in graphic design; whereas you probably noticed that the five-dollar vodka has a label that looks like a thirteen-year-old’s idea of high class in 1958. If you are planning on impressing your friends with your taste in vodka, of course you will pay for the better label; and in addition you will eschew flavors like strawberry or lemon in favor of up-to-date flavors like pomegranate or açai.