DR. EMIL WOLFSPITZ, the former Rogerian therapist, has announced the development of a new form of psychotherapy that he says will revolutionize the treatment of many formerly incurable cases. Whenever you make an emotionally significant statement, Dr. Wolfspitz begins playing a sappy melody on the piano with two fingers, usually in the range about an octave above middle C.

“You have seen how this works in numerous television programs and motion pictures,” Dr. Wolfspitz explains. “Now the same beneficial therapy that has been available to fictional characters for more than a decade is brought to the ordinary messed-up individual in the real world. As soon as you hear the sappy two-fingered piano melody, you know that your broken relationship or crippling inability to deal with past trauma will be healed within no more than two or three minutes.”

Dr. Wolfspitz says that he expects the new therapy to be especially popular with parents who have been unable to reconcile with their children because of some perceived slight in the first reel, and with middle-aged men whom the loss of a beloved spouse has turned into bitter workaholics unable to experience joy in human relationships. He adds that franchises are now available to qualified psychologists.