From last night’s opening remarks by Wm. Gondola Shedd, Allegheny County Registrar of Dog Licenses and General Secretary of the Fringe National Convention, held at Irv’s Bar and Grill in Hazelwood.

MY FELLOW DELEGATES, ladies and gentlemen, patriots all:

As I gaze out on your smiling faces, smiling with eager anticipation, or whatever it is, I am reminded of the story of the Irishman and his Jewish sister. But this is not the time for idle pleasantries. We are a nation in crisis, and only firm leadership can lead us firmly. Through the crisis, I mean. Esther, another chocolate marshmallow martini, please. Leadership is not born; it is made, I suspect in a factory in Indonesia somewhere. The Fringe Party is not the largest political party in America, but it is unique in the depth of talented leadership it possesses. It is also unique in that its delegates are all pairs of twins, which I am prepared to swear on a stack of Bibles was not the case when I walked in here. What’s up with that? Esther, another please. Good lord, there are two of her, too. In short, although I believe I may have skipped over something here, it is time for us, the true Americans, to take back America from those other Americans. If they’re through playing with it. And in conclusion, I would just like to say that this sounded a whole lot more coherent in front of the mirror last night. Esther, do you think maybe these marshmallows have gone bad?