Posts by Dr. Boli
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IN SPORTS TODAY.
IN SPORTS TODAY, the University of West Newton Braves will play the Podunk Falls Technical College Fighting Irish in the Offensive Ethnic Stereotypes League quarterfinals. The winner of today’s game will go on to face the Southwest Georgia Screaming Negroes next Sunday in the semifinals.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
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Power. Surprisingly enough, and contrary to popular belief, it turns out that with great power comes no responsibility whatsoever.
FINAL EXAM.
THE LIBERTY INSTITUTE curriculum for High School American History is unique in that it teaches the objective moral truth of history, and in that it is adapted for proper use by different kinds of schools. In keeping with those objectives, here is the final examination for the curriculum, along with suitable example answers, for the use of teachers of the program. Students should be encouraged to use their own words to answer these essay questions, but any deviation from the sentiments in the example answers should be marked wrong.
1. To what did the American side owe its victory in the Revolutionary War?
A. The American side owed its victory to the superior moral virtue of the American people.
2. What was the chief cause of the American Civil War?
The following answer is correct for use in South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina, and portions of Missouri and Kentucky:
A. The American Civil War was caused by Northern aggression and an intolerable disregard of states’ rights.
The following answer is correct for use in all other states:
A. The American Civil War was caused by Southern intransigence on the question of slavery.
3. What was the cause of the First World War?
A. It is not possible to understand the cause of the First World War.
4. What is the judgment of history in regard to McCarthyism?
A. The judgment of history is that McCarthyism was good and correct, because documents released after the fall of the Soviet Union prove that there were indeed Communist agents under every American bed.
5. Did the Vietnam War terminate in victory or defeat?
A. The Vietnam War ended in a glorious victory, which saw all of Southeast Asia opened up to the forces of free-market capitalism after an intermediate genocidal stage of development.
6. Was the Civil Rights movement a good thing or a bad thing?
A. The Civil Rights movement was good insofar as it led to legal recognition of the civil rights of all Americans, but bad insofar as undesirable groups attempted to exercise those rights.
7. Which Presidents of the United States were good, and which bad?
A. All were good, and none bad. According to democratic republican principles, the wisdom of the electorate is infallible.
8. On what principles was the American nation founded?
The following answer is correct for use in Protestant schools:
A. The American nation was founded on Protestant principles, all of which can be drawn from Scripture alone.
The following answer is correct for use in Catholic schools:
A. The American nation was founded on Catholic principles, as expressed in the writings of St. Thomas Aquinas.
The following answer is correct for use in Islamic schools:
A. The American nation was founded on principles that are, in their fundamental aspect, Koranic.
For answers relevant to Jewish, Hindu, Hinayana Buddhist, Mahayana Buddhist, Wiccan, Mormon, Gnostic, or Waldorf Schools, please see Supplement no. 498.
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS.
HAVING READ AN announcement in a “tweet” from one of her acquaintances, prominent society spinster and philanthropist Miss Alida Fortescue-Montague-Finch showed up for the “tea party” downtown in front of the Federal Building wearing a smart new bonnet and a pair of her grandmother’s lace gloves. She said she had never been so disappointed in her life.
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NEWS IN BRIEF.
BLANDVILLE BEAT COP Millard Wheelwright has been suspended indefinitely without pay while Internal Affairs investigates reports that he wrote several citations in blue ink. Police regulations require officers on patrol to use black ink, blue ink being reserved for supervisors. According to a union spokesman, Officer Wheelwright claimed that he had lost his black pen and had borrowed the only pen available to him, but the spokesman wished to make it clear that the union did not condone what would be, if the allegations prove correct, an appalling and dangerous breach of protocol. Meanwhile, the Blandville Area Concerned Citizens issued a press release appealing for calm.
INTERVIEW.
(From the Late City Edition of the Dispatch.)
DR. EMIL WOLFSPITZ has just been named the new director of Rogerian Therapists Without Borders, an organization that provides Rogerian psychotherapy to those in need in war zones and disaster areas worldwide. The Dispatch was granted an exclusive interview with Dr. Wolfspitz yesterday in his office in the Benedum-Trees Building.
Dispatch. What do you anticipate will be your greatest challenge as you take up the leadership of the organization?
Dr. Wolfspitz. You want to know what I anticipate will be my greatest challenge as I take up the leadership of the organization.
N.B.—At this point, the Dispatch determined that it would be in the best interest of our readers to terminate the interview.
CORRECTION.
THE PIECE BY Ruthven Mophandle Heyser to be performed at tonight’s concert by the Duck Hollow Philharmonic Orchestra should have been listed as Concerto for Buffoon and Orchestra, not Concerto for Bassoon and Orchestra. What we mistakenly identified as a Freudian slip should have been printed as written. The Dispatch regrets the error, at least a little tiny bit.
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