Posts by Dr. Boli

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Dear Dr. Boli: My duct tape broke. What should I use to fix it? —Sincerely, A Mad Scientist (or at Least One Who Isn’t Too Pleased About It).

Dear Sir or Madam: You are asking a dangerous question. Duct tape is the universal restorative. To repair the repairing thing is something like dividing by zero. It might have unintended mathematical, philosophical, and even theological consequences. It could lead you into a conundrum from which there is no escaping.

But you might try chewing gum. You’d be surprised how many things chewing gum properly cured can take care of.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

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Constant Reader in Connoquenessing. The socks are worn under the shoes because the shoes do a better job of protecting the socks than the socks would do of protecting the shoes.

Budding Artist. Burnt sienna is sold prepared in tubes, whether oil, acrylic, gouache, or watercolor, so there is no need for you to obtain a sienna yourself and set fire to it.

Anonymous, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, city withheld. The only antidote to human mortality is the belief that one will die reconciled to one’s Maker, and all will be well in the next life; or perhaps the certainty that one will leave a spotless reputation to inspire future generations to emulate one’s example. Or you could try not to think about it. That might cheer you up.

April Showers. Origami is a delicate art requiring skill and practice, and therefore probably not suitable for your Labradoodle.

Wondering in Wilmerding. Unfortunately, the fact that someone is paid a living wage for writing does qualify him to call himself a professional writer, regardless of what you think of his output.

Bighouse Bill. If you are a good swimmer; otherwise, as you point out, you have only thirty-four months to go, and you might as well settle in.

Aunt Bertha of Bellevue. It is considered proper to wear team colors in a wedding party only if your team is in the playoffs; otherwise, you should consider yourself bound by the bride’s decision.

IN THEATRICAL NEWS.

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The new production by the Dormont Shakespearean Theater of Hamlet, the well-known play by William Shakespeare, has drawn mixed reviews in the press. The Leader’s theatrical column praised the production as “a daring departure,” saying that the unusual choice to set the play in medieval Denmark, with the title character as the son of a murdered king, “brought a breath of fresh air to an otherwise familiar tale.” The Sun-Telegraph, however, while expressing appreciation for the “creative effort” behind the unusual production, was of the opinion that “Hamlet works best in a more traditional setting in line with its author’s intent, such as Nazi Germany or a big American tobacco corporation.” The Volksblatt critic thought the title character dithered too much and said that “he should just pull up his socks.”

IN CONSTRUCTION NEWS.

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A contract has been awarded for the new $350 billion headquarters for the Department of Governmental Efficiency. It will be built on the Potomac River, where the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts now stands, with docking facilities for the fleet of Efficiency Yachts that will take citizens who can demonstrate a net worth of $750 million or more on Efficiency Cruises, in which they will learn the secrets of making governmental efficiency work for them. A spokesperson for DOGE explained that the Kennedy Center is no longer needed to entertain citizens, since government itself has become a performing art. The name of the company to which the contract was awarded has not yet been announced, but the DOGE spokesperson assured reporters that it would be familiar.