Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Condiment-hater.
Dear Dr. Boli: What’s Greek philosophy all about? My professor at Yohogania Community College wants an essay on “what Greek philosophy was all about,” and she says it has to be at least 250 words. She said we should read some Greek philosophy to get some idea, but I have a medical condition that prevents me from caring, so I was wondering if you could, like, summarize it for me. —Sincerely, Alison.
Dear Miss: The main subject of Greek philosophy is the morality of condiments. Other topics come up from time to time, such as batty theories of astronomy and the important question of whether certain human beings are slaves by nature or by happenstance. But if you read any Greek philosophy at all, you will see that the conversation keeps coming back around to condiments. The number of pentasyllabic Greek words devoted to the issue of condiment morality outweighs the number of words devoted to any other subject in Greek philosophy, so you need only think of 249 other words to put the word “condiments” in some sort of context, and your essay will be finished.
SEPARATE OWNERSHIP.
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HOW TO STAY SECURE ON LINE.
1. Always make sure your software is up to date by turning on automatic updates. This gives North Korean hackers a chance to compromise your computer or phone by hijacking the update process, and it is considered sporting to give hackers a fair shot.
2. Keep a hatchet or axe next to your device at all times for use in case of emergency.
3. Avoid elementary security mistakes. The most elementary mistake you can make in managing any device is to connect it to the Internet, and yet an estimated 100% of Internet users have made that very blunder.
4. Print out a list of all your usernames and passwords and register it with the U. S. Copyright Office. Then it will be illegal for hackers to steal your login credentials.
5. Make sure you have something plugged into every open port on your computer or phone, including the headphone jack. Hackers often access your data through “security holes,” but you can thwart them if there are no holes.
6. Always take advantage of two-factor authentication, in which you must respond to a text message on your phone in order to access a password-protected site. That way a hacker cannot breach your security unless you lose your phone, which never happens.
7. Keep your phone and computer in a lead-lined bag. Place the lead-lined bag in a lead-lined safe. Ask a random stranger to change the combination on the safe without telling you the new combination, and then kill the random stranger. Now you are secure until the next burglar with a scrap of ambition notices that you have a large safe sitting around and wonders what’s inside it.
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FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I have been listening to political speeches lately, and I think all our politicians could use some practice in elementary rhetoric. But I think, as a start, they could make an improvement by adopting one simple rhetorical technique. What is this technique of which I speak? Epanaphora! Epanaphora would give their periods rhythm. Epanaphora would give us a reason to sit up and listen. Epanaphora would give the proper emphasis to the main point of their discourse. Epanaphora would be the one rhetorical technique I would recommend that our politicians adopt forthwith. But not antistrophe. I do no wish to hear any antistrophe. I cannot abide antistrophe. I think they should at all costs avoid antistrophe. Epanaphora is the way to go. Epanaphora, and not antistrophe. —Sincerely, M. T. Cicero, McKees Rocks.