Posts by Dr. Boli

DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,

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Annual Christmas Number.

Fruitcake.—In a three-day study conducted by scientists at the Institute for Culinary Amelioration, more than 78% of participants reported that fruitcake was greatly improved by rum. The results were so encouraging that, for next year’s study, the ICA scientists plan to try adding the rum to the fruitcake.

Julbocken.—In Sweden, Norway, and Denmark, Father Christmas traditionally arrives on a Yule goat or Julbocken. In the Faeroe Islands, for reasons lost in the mists of the mythological past, he arrives on a Soemmerring’s gazelle (Nanger soemmerringii).

Père Noël.—In Quebec, on Christmas day, the children of the household invite Père Noël to come in and join them in throwing marshmallows at the screen while they watch the king’s Royal Christmas Message.

Pudding.—In Ireland, the traditional Christmas pudding is brought to the table flaming. Dinner guests watch as the pudding burns to ash, after which there is a round of cheers and the guests devour the foil-wrapped chocolates they received on Christmas morning.

St. Nikolaus.—In Liechtenstein, children leave their boots in front of the door for St. Nikolaus on Christmas Eve, and when they wake up Christmas morning, the boots are neatly polished.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

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Dear Sir: I should like to take the opportunity of this forum to ask your readers to consider how unkind a single thoughtless joke can be when it is at the expense of an innocent toiler in the public interest. I know that social media are full of jokes and memes about registrars of deeds, but have you ever stopped to consider how the men and women who perform that function, so vital to civilized life in civilization, are affected by the constant barrage of mockery at their expense? I walk down the street, and I hear the suppressed snickers. I know everyone I pass knows that I am a registrar of deeds, and I see them leaning over to whisper the latest registrar-of-deeds joke in the ears of their friends. When I drive down the road, I see the buses full of laughing children, and I know what they are laughing about. I see the smirks on every face as I walk through the supermarket. I hear the broccoli laughing at me behind my back. I know the whole canned-soup aisle is just waiting for me to pass so they can jump on Instagram and share pictures of the back of my head with mocking captions added. I won’t even go into the toiletries section after what the shampoo said about me. I challenged the pumpernickel to a duel once, but the coward gave me no response. So anyway, couldn’t you people have a little consideration? That’s all I want. That and for the Greek yogurt to keep its smart mouth shut. —Sincerely, Lancelot Fribble, Yohogania County Registrar of Deeds.

MRS. CHESWICK’S EDUCATIONAL STORIES FOR CHILDREN

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No. 348.—The Speke’s Pectinator.

Once upon a time there was a Speke’s Pectinator who lived near the town of Holhol in Djibouti. Now, you’ve probably heard all kinds of stories about Speke’s Pectinators before, because you’re just the kind of boys and girls who like to trip up a poor old lady who’s just trying to make a few extra bucks on the Internet by telling educational stories, and you’re going to write in the comments about all the things I got wrong about Speke’s Pectinators, but I don’t think so, not this time, because I looked them up in Wikipedia. So this Speke’s Pectinator was wandering through the shrubby shrublands of Djibouti when he met a Pelzeln’s Gazelle. And the Pelzeln’s Gazelle said to him, “Oh, please, could you pectinate for me? Because I’ve never seen anybody pectinate before, and it would just about make my day.” But the Speke’s Pectinator said, “No can do, because I don’t pectinate for just anybody, you know.” And the Speke’s Pectinator continued on his way, and he met a Grevy’s Zebra. And the Grevy’s Zebra said to him, “Say, would you pectinate for me? I’ve heard a lot about it, but I’ve never actually witnessed a live performance, so to speak, and it’s my birthday next week.” But the Speke’s Pectinator said, “Not this time, buster, because I don’t pectinate for just anybody.” And the Speke’s Pectinator kept walking, and he came to a Ferruginous Duck. And the Ferruginous Duck said, “Hey, you must be a Speke’s Pectinator, and I could use some pectin for my guava jelly. Would you pectinate for me?” But the Speke’s Pectinator said, “Amscray, bird, I’m tired of everybody asking me that.” And I could go on like this, but I think you all get the point, and it turns out the Speke’s Pectinator never did pectinate at all. Now, isn’t that a shame? But it just goes to show you. This story teaches us a good lesson, which is that you can’t make assumptions based on people’s appearance. Like everybody thought my uncle Stu looked like a fireman, but the one time our house caught fire Uncle Stu was the first one out and he didn’t come back until Aunt Emma went down to Krzrnski’s Cafe and dragged him off the barstool and made him call the insurance company. And that’s the lesson we learn. Next time we’ll hear the story of the Patagonian Mara who lived in Duluth, and I’ll bet I get comments about that one. Till then this is your old friend Mrs. Cheswick saying clean up your room, and that should make people stop saying I’m a bad influence on kids, shouldn’t it?