Posts by Dr. Boli

ANNOUNCEMENT.

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The Department of Environ­mental Services has asked us to remind city residents not to place state legislators in the recycling bin. State legislators are not recyclable. They are, however, biodegradable, and may be dropped off at DES collection facilities in the Strip, Home­wood, North Point Breeze, Hazel­wood, and the West End for composting.

TWO NOVELISTS.

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Sir Walter Scott by Henry Raeburn.

From the Wikipedia article on Kenilworth by Walter Scott:

In January 1820 Archibald Constable and John Ballantyne concluded an agreement to act as joint publishers of Kenilworth, but Scott had still to complete The Monastery and write its sequel The Abbot which kept him occupied until August, so that Kenilworth had to wait until September. Writing then progressed steadily, and the new novel was completed on 27 December.

From the Wikipedia article on Finnegans Wake by James Joyce:

For the next few years, Joyce worked rapidly on the book, adding what would become chapters I.1 and I.6, and revising the already written segments to make them more lexically complex.

James Joyce by Djuna Barnes, 1922.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

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Motor bus with six men on the roof and one passenger inside

On this day in 1901, the town’s first motorbus was introduced in Acmetonia, Pennsylvania. Only one passenger could be found brave enough to ride on the inaugural trip, but union rules required that the vehicle be staffed by a motorman, a brakeman, a pilot, a conductor, a supervisor, and an executive producer.

NURSERY RHYMES FOR CYNICAL CHILDREN.

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Pretty pastries, dime a dozen!
Get some for your aunt or cousin;
Make a bag up for the parson;
Give one to the cop on Carson;
Send some to the poor in Chile;
Save a few for old Blind Willie;
Give a couple to the dog;
Throw the rest out to the hog.
Just don’t eat them. Heed advice:
There’s a reason for the price.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP.

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Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious is in trouble with the law again. This time he is accused of releasing an entire track in which all the rhymes are perfect. When Felonious objected that there was no law against that, city magistrate Tom Horkle, Jr., quoted city ordinance 2026-338, passed last Tuesday, which is indeed a law against that. Since council at the same session also passed an ordinance against calling a city magistrate a philistine (2026-335), Felonious is looking at thirty days.

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Dear Dr. Boli: My wife sent me to the state store to pick up some connecticut, but when I got there all they had was booze and stuff. So I decided I’d get some vodka, since my boss is driving me to drink, and I might as well get started. When I got to the vodka aisle, I was amazed and a little intimidated by the variety of brands, and even more by the variety of prices. There were big bottles priced at six bucks, and bottles the same size priced at eighty bucks. At first I thought the expensive ones must be the good ones, and the cheap ones must be the bad ones. But then I looked at the cheapest of the lot—$4.99 on sale till the end of the month—and I noticed the label said “Premium” and “Finest Made.”

So I guess I just don’t understand vodka. If the finest vodka made costs five dollars, why do other vodkas cost eighty dollars? I can’t make any sense out of it. —Sincerely, a husband who decided to get drunk on a good Côtes-du-Rhône instead.

Dear Sir: Vodka is basically distilled compost, so there is very little difference in quality between one vodka and another. In that sense any brand of vodka may claim to be the finest made. The price, therefore, depends on the quality of the graphic design on the label. The higher the price, the more the label conforms to the latest trends in graphic design; whereas you probably noticed that the five-dollar vodka has a label that looks like a thirteen-year-old’s idea of high class in 1958. If you are planning on impressing your friends with your taste in vodka, of course you will pay for the better label; and in addition you will eschew flavors like strawberry or lemon in favor of up-to-date flavors like pomegranate or açai.