Posts filed under “Books & Literature”

ASK DR. BOLI.

Our frequent correspondent “Occasional Correspondent” writes,

Mention of books, and movies, makes me wonder — which of your books, Dr. Boli, would make the best film? Galahad? but the movie Galahad might employ nuggets from the Encyclopedia of Misinformation (each introduced with “I was just reading in the Encyclopedia that [etc…]”) so you might get compensation for TWO books in a single movie.

In Dr. Boli’s opinion, the book that would make the best movie would be the one for which a Hollywood studio would be willing to pay the most money. But we must admit that there is a bit of petitio principii here, since one must have sound marketing reasons to persuade a studio to pay for the movie rights, which is to say that one must be able to articulate why a particular book would make a good movie, and so we are back where we started. Another frequent correspondent, “RepubAnon,” suggests,

The movie version of Devil King Kun would be a suitable commentary on the superhero genre.

In fact the story of Devil King Kun was conceived as a 1930s movie serial in thirty episodes, though by doubling up on episodes it could be reduced to a more manageable fifteen. That would certainly be a good candidate for a forward-thinking producer with ambitions to revive the movie serial as a genre. It would probably not, however, fit well as a superhero movie. The only extraordinary power its hero possesses is the power of extreme cleverness, which is not appropriate for the superhero genre.

Dr. Boli’s first instinct was to say that his Encyclopedia of Misinformation would make the best movie, but then Occasional Correspondent beat him to that idea. Dr. Boli’s implementation of the idea would have been different, however. We imagine a protagonist (of any gender you like, but we shall pick one and say “she”) who works at the office of a well-known encyclopedia, and whose job is to perform exhaustive research and write articles on fossil clubmosses and extinct congressmen. Her drudgery earns her no respect, and she despairs of being able to have any romantic life at all, until she discovers that she can greatly improve the readability and entertainment value of her articles, and make room for a fulfilling personal life, by simply making up the facts. To pad out the running time, there would also be a villain who wants to blow up the earth.

The real answer to the question, however, is the same as the answer to the question of which book Dr. Boli thinks is his best. The answer to that is always the same: the one that hasn’t been written yet. Dr. Boli has written some books with which he is moderately pleased, but the next book is always the one that will top them all. That remains true until the book is published; then it will be the book after that. Since it will be the best book, it follows by reasonable inference that it would also make the best movie.

CHAPTER TWO.

From an unpublished science-fiction novel by
Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.


The Hive sat sphinxlike on things that might have been haunches if such things as haunches had ever evolved in their world, which as far as we know they never did, but what we know about exobiology could be written with a jumbo crayon on the back of a matchbook, if we still had matchbooks, which we don’t because they were very sensibly banned four hundred years ago by the First Terran Union, which also banned crayons at the same time, and we get along without them just fine. They—that is, the Hive, which is what we were talking about before we got on to the interesting subject of crayons and matchbooks and how we have never seen either of them in our time and no one alive has any memory of them, so that really it even seems counterproductive to use them as an illustration, as if we were writing this narrative for people in past centuries who still knew what matchbooks and crayons were—they, for there were multiple entities in that singular body, which makes verb agreement one of the most difficult aspects of the science of exobiology, were sitting on their things that we shall call haunches for lack of a more scientific term, and they were thinking. They were thinking as many thoughts as there were beings in that agglomeration of agglutinative life forms, or rather that agglutination of agglomerative life forms, but the general tendency of them all was that they were bored and wished they had something to do.

“Oh yeah?” said Drox Hathaweg, the morose but appealing telepathic half-human half-V’qil space pirate sitting next to them. “Well, wait till you see what happens in chapter three.”