I bring you this bouquet, my dear,
     I place it in your hand.
I think you’re A-okay, my dear.
     I think you’re really grand.
You’re swell, just peachy keen, my dear,
     And adjectives like that.
I tell you what I mean, my dear:
     You really knock me flat.
If I were to describe your kiss,
     I’d say “like vintage wine.”
Which brings me to the point of this:
     Please be my valentine.

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Rumored to be a deliberately lost work of Edgar Allan Poe.

The day I last saw Eleanor, 
     It was the day she died;
Though some say still she walks the moor
Between the hours of three and four
(I don’t know what she does it for)
     Along the banks of Clyde.

The day I last saw Eleanor,
     She sniffed with wounded pride,
And handed me an apple core,
And told me, “Thus far, and no more,”
Concluding, “Now you know the score:
     You will not be my bride.”

The day I last saw Eleanor,
     She strode with purposed stride
Toward the billows’ haughty roar
And strode right past the pimpled shore
Till she was out a mile or more
     And swallowed by the tide.

Long since I left that cursed shore;
     Long since my clothes have dried.
And since my story makes you snore,
I tell you this, and tell no more:
The day I last saw Eleanor,
     It was the day she died.

Poet and novelist Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle had a fortunate escape this week when his office at Duck Hollow University caught fire. The world of literature, however, was not so fortunate. This charred scrap of paper is all that remains of the long poem Mr. Vanderblock-Wheedle had been working on for the last three years.

—to whom
But the groom?
And the broom, I assume.
But still, to resume:
From the dark weeds that bloom
Where the dank shadows loom
Comes the straggling fume of a sickly perfume
In the gloom of my womb-like tomb of a room;
Then something goes boom,
And I flee from my doom,
And I get in my car and I rev it, vroom vroom,
And I step on the pedal and fly—zoom zoom zoom!
And I spill down the hill like a log in a flume,
Vowing never to stop till I get to Khartoum,
And I—

Police and fire investigators say they are proceeding under the assumption that the fire was set deliberately.