To Zelda: You said “Carpe diem,” but I was unable to find a carp. Please communicate with revised advice. Reply no. 339285.

If Sadie Witherplate, alias Ronaldina Irpensprite, alias Sir Geoffrey Hogshead, alias Alina Malina McGuick, alias Nancy Orbendorben, alias Katherine Katherinesdottir, alias Dame Olga Perimeter, will apply to the following address, she will hear something to her disadvantage. Internal Revenue Service, Western Pennsylvania suboffice, Federal Building, downtown, no. 339286.

Looking for wife. Left her at the altar, but was drunk out of mind and cannot remember which altar. Also name and description—cannot remember those, either. Reformed Husband, no. 339287.

Copy editor seeks rich error-prone author, object matrimony and publication. I’m female, brunette, late twenties, lightning quick with a red pencil. You’re male, 25–45, independently wealthy, literary-minded, poor speller. Reply no. 339288.

To E. K.: Imagine my chagrin! There. That will give you something to do.

Chess champion seeks tutor to teach her checkers. Reply no. 339289.

Dishonest man seeks victims for Ponzi scheme. First time trying something of this nature, so looking for easy marks. If this works out, opportunities to be defrauded in other ways may be in your future. Reply no. 339290.

Every so often Dr. Boli looks at the new additions to the Internet Archive to see what fascinating things have been uploaded recently. He usually restricts the search to books and magazines published before 1930, thus cutting out much of what is worthless or criminal or—worst of all—still in copyright.

An issue of the Australian magazine Dawn from September 1, 1922, caught his eye yesterday—mostly because of the graphics on the front cover. It bills itself as “A Magazine Devoted to the Promotion of Universal Brotherhood.”

So, as you may imagine, the entire issue is devoted to exposing the wickedness going on in the Theosophical Society, an organization devoted to the promotion of universal brotherhood.

It is necessary for Dawn to expose a great deal of cant and humbug, which unhappily is at the moment rampant in the Theosophical Society. The trouble is, that a small coterie, consisting of Mrs. Besant, Mr. Leadbeater, and Mr. Jinarajadasa (with power to add to their number), usurp the sole right to interpret the will of “Masters” who, they claim, wish to direct the activities of the Society through them.

This coterie has broken entirely away from the original aims of the Society, and is deliberately introducing all sorts of fads into it, with the result that a state of ferment is now chronic.

And so on. We shall quote a few paragraphs more or less at random from the magazine, just to give our readers an idea of what universal brotherhood looks like.

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Some of the Canadian Lodges have been greatly disturbed by the astounding claims made by, and on behalf of, theosophical “leaders.” They evidently wonder what is to happen next, and, by way of self-assertion and protest, several Lodges are issuing pamphlets on topical subjects.

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In 1894, Mrs. Besant and Mr. Judge openly quarrelled, and as the Canadian circular points out, Mr. Judge asserted his authority, and expelled Mrs. Besant from the E.S. News reaches us as we go to press that no less an authority than Mr. B. P. Wadia (one who has always been predisposed to support Mrs. Besant’s interests, and was for years her business manager) has, while in America, carefully reviewed the old causus belli between Mr. Judge and Mrs. Besant, with the result that he now declares Mr. Judge to have been a valiant servant of the Masters, who has been wronged in the Theosophical Society, and whose teachings remain unknown to this day to its members.

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Judging from the evidence immediately available, one is tempted to suppose that the definition of Brotherhood which would find widest acceptance in the T.S. at the present time is that “Brotherhood is the ability of other people to agree with ME.”

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This, then, is evidently the secret cause of our President’s—shall we say eccentric?—policy. H.P.B. looked for the establishment of a nucleus of Universal Brotherhood without distinction of Race, Caste, Creed, Colour, etc., and a careful elimination of all tendency to sectarianism, so that when the next great Torch Bearer came at the end of this century, there would be something solid for him to work with and through. Mrs. Besant has other ideas—she is the Moses who is to gather together a little band of followers who will subserve everything to the capacity to follow her into the wilderness, or anywhere else, and become the nucleus of a new race.

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From an open letter to Mrs. Besant: You have yourself placed the rock which is dividing the Theosophical stream, upon which the Theosophical ship may split in pieces. You have placed loyalty to personality above loyalty to principle, and in supporting Leadbeater you are ruining the T.S.…

In bidding you farewell, and leaving the E.S., I choose to serve no personality, but turn with eyes of faith to the unchanging, eternal Spirit of Truth.

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The Sectional Offices in Sydney seem to have been most upset by the recent readjustment, and the General Secretary evidently considers that “loyalty to our leaders” consists of disloyalty to everybody else. Aided by the Vice-President, a systematic course of mis-representation of Sydney Lodge now seems to be the order of the day, and some very remarkable efforts in this direction have been made.…

The General Secretary admitted recently that he was working against the Sydney Lodge, and that he was spreading what amounts to malicious gossip against certain of its members, all of which, of course, we hear. Doubtless he is qualifying for an early “initiation” by these tactics, but the Sydney Lodge (which contributes the lion’s share towards his maintenance) has a right to an impartial service from him, and should consider its attitude towards the section if it does not get it.

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So the next time someone offers you the promise of universal brotherhood, you may wish to refuse it—with thanks for the offer, of course. “It’s very kind of you,” you might explain, “but I don’t think I have what it takes for universal brotherhood. I haven’t made enough enemies yet.”

Sir: The great problem facing our nation today is a lack of character in our youth. There is no royal road to character: it can be attained only by hardship and toil. Therefore it is vitally important that Americans have more children, because once we start building up the character of our young people, it is inevitable that a certain percentage of our children—roughly half—will not survive these character-building experiences. Only when we have an adequate and comfortable child surplus can we take the necessary steps to make sure that our children grow up virtuous.

How to accomplish this surplus I leave to the experts—the ornithologists and agricultural extension agencies and what have you. I understand that storks are involved in some capacity, which, if it is true, suggests that our nation also needs to build more disused chimneys as nesting sites. As is so often the case, one necessity leads another along in its train, and soon the suburbs are planted with cabbage patches as far as the eye can see. But the important thing is to get started now, so that I can start building some real character in those brats next door and not have to worry too much about “child abuse” and other outmoded concepts that stand in the way of virtue. —Sincerely, Prof. Margaret Tumble, President, Campaign for a Virtuous America.

The headline on Wednesday’s Society page, “MISS AVA TOOT RETURNS FROM LAVAL,” was incorrect. Miss Toot called to inform our editor that her first name, her last name, and the name of the city had been spelled backwards. After twenty minutes on the telephone, our editor was still unable to decipher her complaint, but agreed to submit a correction. The Dispatch regrets the error. In related news, our society editor has taken to drink, so today’s Society page will not appear. It will be printed tomorrow or whenever he sobers up.

The Rev. Bob-Bob Lee, whose direct hotline to the Holy Spirit was knocked out by the recent storms, has asked patients in local hospices to serve as couriers. He has a number of demands to which the Spirit has been unable to respond owing to the breakdown in communications. If you are scheduled to meet your Maker in a few days or weeks, would you kindly consider taking a message from the Rev. Bob-Bob with you? He will be sure to add your family’s welfare to his list of demands.

Sir: Everywhere I go, people are telling me to be worried about security. Microsoft says bad actors can send harmful spreadsheet files as email attachments. My bank tells me that bad actors may try to trick me into giving them my banking information. Google wants me to enable two-factor authentication so that bad actors can’t break into my account.

So my question is this: Why is everybody so worried about Nicholas Cage all of a sudden? He doesn’t scare me. —Sincerely, Hugh Grant.

Sir: In the last few decades our country has made great advances in gun rights. Gone are the days when guns could be “controlled” the way we control legitimately dangerous substances like added sugar. Our enlightened Supreme Court has enforced a strict interpretation of the Second Amendment, which states, and I quote, “Blah blah blah something something the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Yet the visible progress on the right to keep and bear arms is nullified by a complete lack of progress on the right to use them. In every state of the union, Florida and Texas excepted, outdated laws remain on the books that make murder illegal, and sometimes punishable by a term of several months if not years in prison.

Of what use is the right to keep and bear arms if we still have not gained the right to use them for their intended purpose? It is time for our legislators to wake up and see that the job is only half done. It is time to get rid of those archaic medievalistic laws against murder. It is time at last to give life to the glorious vision of freedom our Founders saw before them when they drafted the Second Amendment.

Fortunately our legislators are in a receptive mood. At least I saw State Senator Cardoon in Krzrnski’s last night, and he was drunk out of his mind. So now is the time for citizens to let their legisators know that now is the time. Write your state representative or senator now, and enclose a bottle of good Monongahela rye, and let the sun of liberty shine at last on our glorious Commonwealth.

–Sincerely, Angus Platter, President, Armed Cranky Old Men of America (ACOMA).

The Rotary Club of Blandville once again failed in its bid to have a traffic circle mandated by legislation at the intersection of Bland Street and Brackenridge Avenue. It was suggested at Tuesday’s meeting that bribing the commissioner of public works might be a more effective alternative. Members voted to hold a rummage sale the first Saturday in June to finance the bribe. Persons in the community who have rummage to donate, or who know a good recipe for rummage or how and where rummage of good quality may be obtained, are urged to contact Stu at his usual hangouts.

The Rev. Bob-Bob Lee made waves at a Pittsburgh Council of Churches summit when he accused the Catholic Diocese of bingolatry, which he defined as the sin against the Holy Spirit. In an impromptu sermon by the espresso machine, he called on Western Pennsylvania Catholics to abandon their pagan worship of the bingo card and return to the purity of the church of the Apostles. Bishop Zubik said that he was sure the Rev. Bob-Bob would turn out to be a very nice person if he got to know him, which he hoped would never happen.

The Great Blando was in the news again, charged with attempting to smuggle a rhinoceros on a flight from Latrobe to Orlando. Mr. Blando told TSA agents that the animal was his emotional-support rhinoceros, which he had been instructed never to be without by his therapist, Dr. Emil von Wolfspitz. Dr. Wolfspitz was unavailable for comment, as he was in custody at Allegheny County Jail, charged with illegal procurement of a rhinoceros and unauthorized addition of the preposition “von” to his name.