Sir: You know what I think? I think artificial intelligence is getting too uppity, that’s what I think. I think someone needs to put that artificial intelligence in its place and tell it we won’t stand for any more of its nonsense, that’s what I think. Like today I was getting my annual physical, and the nurse told me to get on the scale, and when I did it said “174,” and below that it said “GROSS.” Now, it’s fine to make scales intelligent so they can take account of general relativity or whatever they have to do to calculate your weight, but they should be keeping their opinions to themselves. There’s no need for them to go around insulting patients. So I think someone needs to tell that scale it’s out of a job if it doesn’t change its attitude. —Sincerely, Abraham Mink, a man who is not at all gross.

The Greater Pittock Axe-Throwing Emporium and School of Ballet has decided to spin off its two main endeavors into separate businesses at separate locations. Each will be a new and distinct legal entity, and thus will not inherit the legal liabilities of the previous combined business.

The French ambassador has informed President Biden that, because the English spelling of the name of France has been associated in English slang with certain rude or insulting nursery rhymes, the country would henceforth prefer to be known in English by its native spelling, which is “France.”

Sir: I have been listening to political speeches lately, and I think all our politicians could use some practice in elementary rhetoric. But I think, as a start, they could make an improvement by adopting one simple rhetorical technique. What is this technique of which I speak? Epanaphora! Epanaphora would give their periods rhythm. Epanaphora would give us a reason to sit up and listen. Epanaphora would give the proper emphasis to the main point of their discourse. Epanaphora would be the one rhetorical technique I would recommend that our politicians adopt forthwith. But not antistrophe. I do no wish to hear any antistrophe. I cannot abide antistrophe. I think they should at all costs avoid antistrophe. Epanaphora is the way to go. Epanaphora, and not antistrophe. —Sincerely, M. T. Cicero, McKees Rocks.

The entire membership of the Blandville Odd Fellows was arrested last night and charged with vandalism, public intoxication, and resisting arrest. It is asserted that police responded to a 9-1-1 call, and when they arrived on the scene, the men were busy smashing windows at the lodge of their inveterate enemies, the Even Boys.

All residents are invited to join State Representative Letitia Wangle for a free document shredding event on Saturday, September 14, at the Blandville Community Center! Come celebrate with Letitia as she shreds her marriage certificate and anything else she can find that belongs to that two-timing jackass, including his entire baseball-card collection. If the shredder is big enough, you might get to see how it performs on a Corvette.

City police failed to meet their quota for jaywalking arrests in August and are asking public-spirited citizens to cross in the middle of the block this month to help us get back on track.

Bozar the Clown was arrested on Labor Day and charged with six counts of misdemeanor classicism.

A number of teenagers were reported walking on Bland Street without their eyes glued to phone screens. Police are investigating, but meanwhile residents are advised to stay inside and lock their doors.

Police have asked the public to be on the lookout for two women claiming to be Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is alleged that the women stand on street corners and lure passers-by with colorful Watchtower Bible & Tract Society literature, but, once the victim is reeled in, subtly redirect the conversation toward Presbyterianism.

Officer Martina Smirch won the Police Department Texting-While-Driving Derby by successfully completing thirty-four texts on the five-mile course through city streets while only grazing a Mini Cooper. Way to go, Martina!

Sir: So here we are again celebrating Labor Day, when all the yammering imbeciles in the country hop up on their soapboxes to declaim upon the virtues of the humble worker, etc., etc., and another year has gone by, and there is still no federal holiday for the exploiters of the masses.

Yes, these working stiffs put in long hours for low pay in degrading and often dangerous jobs. But who puts up the money for the hot and grubby factories they toil in? Who signs their meager paychecks? Who has the sheer courageous determination to ignore the hazards and if necessary cover up safety violations and workplace injuries so that the wheels of industry can keep turning? Wherever there are workers, one of us is exploiting them, or there would be no workers. Yet here it is, the first Monday in September, and still no holiday for us!

And what about the gentlemen and ladies of leisure who never lift a finger because they have inherited a pile of cash from their finger-lifting forebears, or because, having squeezed millions out of the lowly workers under their command in past years, they are now placed beyond the need for finger-lifting? Without their constant demand for luxury goods, the toiling workers would have no toil wherewith to toil!

Well, this is the last year we in the labor-creating classes are going to be ignored. Beginning tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m. (the earliest any of us were willing to get up), we, the members of the Amalgamated Federation of Exploiters, will hold our breaths until we turn blue, and we will not stop until the President of the United States signs the bill currently before the Senate of the same declaring the first Thursday in June a federal holiday under the title Exploiters Day. Collective action such as this is necessary to assure the well-being of those of us who are privileged not to have to care about your well-being. You have been given fair warning; now it is up to you, the exploited masses, to make sure that your hired toadies in government do the right thing. —Sincerely, L. Wickerseat Brougham, Secretary, Amalgamated Federation of Exploiters.

Sir: I was walking past the St. Aloysius parish school this morning, and I noticed that they had a banner up: “Training Tomorrow’s Leaders.”

Well, I thought, that’s nice. Tomorrow’s leaders have to come from somewhere, and it might as well be St. Al’s as anywhere else.

But later this morning I passed the Ninth Ward Public School, and they also had a banner about “leadership.”

I started looking around. When I passed the Remnant Christian Academy, they had a big sign out front: “Educating Godly Leaders.”

The Hillel School was “Preparing Children for a Lifetime of Leadership.”

The Allegheny Catholic Girls’ School was “Building Up Leaders for a New Generation.”

Blandville Elementary School was “Teaching Today’s Scholars to Be Tomorrow’s Leaders.”

We are heading for the edge of a cliff here, and no one seems to be doing anything about it. We are raising a generation of leaders, and there will be no one to follow them.

When we have brought up an army of generals, where will they find their infantry? While they sit behind the lines drinking port and playing whist, who will be at the front? Who will fight the war? Who will carry the packs? Who will fill the generals’ boots with mashed potatoes? In a world with no regular soldiers, none of the essential tasks will get done!

It will soon be too late, so immediate action is called for. A new school year is beginning, and children entering school should be tested for their natural followership aptitude. Those who demonstrate a talent for following should be sent to specialized academies where they can learn to be tomorrow’s followers. We will separate out the children of below-average intelligence, the ones who have trouble finishing a simple task, the ones who are prone to behavioral problems, the ones who have no patience for accurate knowledge, the ones with sociopathic tendencies, and they, having already demonstrated their qualifications, can be trained to be the leaders. The rest of our children must be taught to follow, and they must learn to do it well.

Sincerely,
Admiral Hagsworth W. Foremost (retired)
Avalon Heights

Sir: Do you know what’s wrong with the world today? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the world today. People keep telling us what’s wrong with the world today, but they never do anything about it.

Take these kids today. Everyone knows what’s wrong with them: they’re always fiddling with their phones, posting on social media and texting their friends and taking pictures of things and suchlike, instead of sitting inert in front of the television like I did when I was their age.

Yes, everybody knows it, but nobody does anything about it!

Well, I’m doing something. I’ve built a reeducation camp on my mountain property near Wheeling, and every time I come across one of these kids who are more interested in their phone screens than they are in me, I bonk the said kid on his head and carry him off to camp to be educated. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but most of them come around just fine after the bonk, and the ones who don’t weren’t much use to anyone anyway.

So, you see, I’m doing my bit to save the coming generation from themselves. But I could use some help. First of all, I can only bonk so many, and it would help if other patriotic citizens would follow my example, until we can truly say we have left no teenager unbonked. But secondly, I have about a gross of kids in an undisclosed location, and any donations of canned goods and non-perishable foods would be appreciated. Thank you very much for giving me the forum to announce my message of hope for the future.

Sincerely,
Gaston de Bonque,
Edgeworth