ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: I read somewhere, maybe in a magazine or a blog or on the back of a cereal box, that all the stories in the world use basically the same small set of character types, just giving them different details and stuff. Is that true? —Sincerely, J. K. Rowling, Fortress of Impenetrable Smugness, Edinburgh or Possibly Kensington.

Dear Madam: Yes, it is true that, among the stories that have circulated in every culture since time immemorial, and possibly even before that, anthropologists and cultural historians have identified a small number of recurring character types, which they designate the Light Masculine, Light Feminine, Dark Masculine, and Dark Feminine. Because the characters are supposedly demonstrated in an exceptionally pure form in a certain mid-twentieth-century comic-book series (with which Dr. Boli regrets to say he is not as familiar as he ought to be), these characters are known in academic literary criticism as the Archie Types.

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SONG.

To be sung by a tenor in his best imitation of Caruso.

     Isabella!
     Isabella!
In the whole wide world there isn’t any swella!
     Isabella!
     Isabella!
Ev’rybody tells me I’m a lucky fella!
     Isabella!
     Isabella!
With your kiss so sweet my teeth are turning yella—
     Though my dental bills are high,
     You can see the reason why,
Isabella! You’re the one for me!

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BASTILLE DAY.

French flag flying in Pittsburgh

A house in Pittsburgh flies the French flag.

On Bastille Day we remember our French allies, without whom we would not have celebrated our own Independence Day ten days ago. The French gave us de Grasse and Lafayette, and without their aid we could not have won our struggle. In return, we gave the French our republican ideals, and the French decided they liked them so well that they have collected five republics since 1789, in addition to three monarchies, two empires, a short-lived commune, and that thing that happened from 1940 to 1944 that we don’t like to talk about much.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

Anton Chekhov by Osip Braz

Anton Chekhov, who died at the age of 44 of a totally hilarious case of consumption.

Dear Dr. Boli: Why do Chekhov’s “comedies” always end with a suicide? I mean… ha ha? —Sincerely, Amberson P. Scrawl, theater critic for the Dispatch.

Dear Sir: Some people think a fat man falling down is funny. Some people think a society matron getting hit in the face with a custard pie is funny. Chekhov laughed and laughed every time someone went into a dark room and shot himself. “De gustibus, aut bene, aut nihil,” as some guy once said.

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COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

The Pennsylvania 911 system is experiencing intermittent statewide 911 outages as a result of hundreds of thousands of people calling 911 to report their mobile phones screaming at them. The alarming sound was reported by customers on every major mobile network in the Com­mon­wealth of Penn­sylvania. According to state officials, the sound was an alert sent to every cell phone to notify Pennsylvanians that the Penn­sylvania 911 system is experiencing intermittent statewide 911 outages. Citizens who hear loud shrieking sounds emanating from their phones are requested not to dial 911 for the love of Mike.

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BLOCK AND REPORT SPAM.

Thank you for using our handy Spam Call and Text Reporting Process to report receiving a spam call or text.

1. Please write the number from which the call or text originated on a 3×5 index card.

2. Add your name, address, Social Security number, and valid email address to the bottom of the card.

3. In the upper right-hand corner of the card, write your mother’s maiden name.

4. On the back of the card, write your credit-card information, including card number, expiration date, name exactly as it appears on the card, and CVV.

5. Fold the card in half lengthwise.

6. On each of the folded halves, fold down one corner toward the outside of the fold, so that the two folded corners are opposite each other.

7. Fold each folded half down, so that the outer section projects at a 90° angle from the middle of the folded card.

8. From an upstairs window, launch the paper airplane you have created in the direction of Seattle, Washington, USA.

9. Did you honestly think we were going to do something about spam calls or texts? Because, really, that’s just adorable.

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