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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
Are you a rabbit in search of a hole? Wikipedia has an article on “hand-in-waistcoat” that could be the beginning of weeks of compulsive rummaging in museum sites and image archives.
Readers in search of the true story of George Washington’s career will find something of interest in the Memoir of the Late George Washington by an Associate, edited by Dr. Boli. Whether what they find is the true story is up to them to decide.
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CURIOUS AILMENTS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE.
No. 1.—In 1948, Erle Stanley Gardner was hit with an attack of writer’s block so severe that he had to type out the same Perry Mason novel thirty-four times just to get over it. William Morrow & Co., Gardner’s publishers, called in six of the best physicians in the publishing industry to consult, but they could not agree on a diagnosis. The publishers also brought in four Freudian psychologists, two Adlerians, one Jungian, and a woman named Mrs. Culver who was full of good advice, but after their conferences with Mrs. Culver three of the Freudians required extensive therapy. Fortunately, by changing the names of the victim and murderer, Gardner’s publishers were able to sell the duplicate manuscripts as thirty-four different Perry Mason novels, and Gardner’s career was unaffected by his ailment.
THE SPEECH.
The rest of you… Looks like I’ve made a mess
Already. What I really mean to say
Is, Here we are, on this auspicious day—
I think the day’s auspicious. That’s the word,
I think. Well, anyway, you may have heard
That on this day in 1928
Our local chapter held its first—no, wait,
I think I mean in 1927.
4 minus 5, and carry the 11,
and—no, I think I had it right before.
Subtraction always makes my eyeballs sore.
At any rate, on this auspicious day,
We’re here. That’s what I really meant to say.
And so, auspiciously, we gather here,
For sacred duty, and because there’s beer,
And celebrate our chapter. —Well, that’s bad.
I’ve lost the special poem I thought I had.
I wrote it just for— well, of all the— Folks,
Does anybody here know any jokes?
Looks like my speech is done. —Thanks for the cheers.
They really are like music to my ears.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: It is very clear that a lack of kindness is the fundamental problem facing society today. All the violence, all the ill will, all the political gridlock and mutual suspicion could be cured by a little kindness spread out through the general population.
How shall we deal with this problem? Clearly the time for timidity has passed. If Americans will not exercise a little kindness on their own initiative, then kindness must be rammed down their throats.
To make a beginning, much can be accomplished even without government action. I am a firm believer in the power of volunteer work. When enough of us have decided that kindness will be expected and demanded from the people around us, we shall quickly see the effects of our new attitude. But those effects will manifest themselves only if we are consistent and inflexible in our intolerance of unkindness in the people we meet. I recommend sarcastic mocking as a start. If that fails to produce kindness in the subject, shouting is the obvious next step, and for intractable cases physical violence should not be ruled out.
Ultimately, however, the problem affects us on a national scale, and therefore the national government will have to take responsibility for it sooner or later. A useful beginning could be made, and volunteer work toward our goal encouraged, by establishing a national register of unkind persons, so that ordinary citizens can check the register and see which of their own friends and neighbors are to be treated with contempt and disdain. That is only a beginning, however, and I think it is high time our government took the example of Singapore to heart and instituted a schedule of corporal punishments for stubbornly unkind persons. I do not mean that first offenders should be caned, of course; for first offenders, it should be sufficient to empower our fine police officers to give them a warning in the colorful language that comes so naturally to law-enforcement professionals. After that, though, bring on the birch.
Are these strong measures? Yes, they are. But this is a national emergency. The very future of the Republic is at stake. At this crossroads in our history, it will not be possible to solve our problems if we continue being nice to unkind people. If they will not conform to the grand old American tradition of kindness and polite decency, then they must be made to suffer. —Sincerely, Natalye Paquin, CEO, Points of Light Foundation.
NEWS UPDATE.
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FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
