COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

Come to the St. Britney Parish Festival for the usual artery-clogging fried foods, drunken teenagers, atrocious local cover bands, and rigged games. This year’s theme is “Celebrating the Virtue of Honesty.” On Friday at 7 p.m. we’ll have a ceremony marking the official adoption of our new parish mission statement: “We don’t just have a mission. We have a mission statement.

Brackenridge Avenue will be closed between Bland Street and the cliff while a crew from the Yohogania Electric Light Company attempts to repair the water main. The foreman of the crew says that it will give his workers a nice change from being up in those bucket things all day, and anyway they couldn’t possibly do a worse job of it than the guys from the water company.

Police have issued a warning to all residents of our community to be on the alert for a scam in which two men dressed in police uniforms visit offices of local publications and attempt to warn them about a scam of some sort. Police could not say what the motive of the two men might be.

With the first day of school just around the corner, Blandville Elementary School reminds parents that all students are required to have a Number 2 pencil. Any student bringing a Number 1 or Number 3 pencil to school will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

State Representative Letitia Wangle has asked us to announce that her satellite office on Bland Street does not provide actual satellites to constituents. Apparently some of you were confused about that.

Social media for a socialist paradise.
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Comments

  1. In other news, the FBI has issued a warning to be on the lookout for fake faxed statements purporting to be from the FBI or other law-enforcement agencies, sometimes appearing to be printed on official stationery. In particular, they remind you that actual official FBI stationery is never printed on thermal facsimile paper.

  2. markm says:

    Breckinridge Avenue will remain closed for the indefinite future, as after disassembling the water mains, the electric light company workers joined the city water workers union in a strike protesting work rule violations. Water to homes and businesses will remain shut off indefinitely, as the other city and construction unions have made it clear that if a manager even touches the shut off valve, they will shut everything down until all managers publicly perform the rite of Seppuku, using letter openers.

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