ASK DR. BOLI.

More interesting.

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Our correspondent “Big Brother” writes: Perhaps I could take this opportunity to ask a question which I have been wondering for the last few weeks…as a Pennsylvania man, where does the good Dr. Boli stand on the Wawa vs. Sheetz controversy?

Dear Sir: Dr. Boli believes that, as controversies go, it is lacking in color. Think of the controversies, for example, that led to the expulsion of one artist after another from the Surrealists, or the mighty kerfuffle that ensued when one of the members of De Stijl discovered the diagonal. Those were colorful controversies—incompre­hensible, but colorful. Con­sider the contro­versy between Newton and Leibniz over who had taken the last blueberry yogurt from the re­frigerator. Or it may have been about the inven­tion of calculus. Either way, it was a contro­versy worth giving some atten­tion, because the characters were colorful and distinct, whereas Dr. Boli has never learned to tell one con­venience store from another. Consider Luther and Erasmus and their compre­hensive catalogues of the various shades of excrement as they apply to the theo­logical reasoning of one’s opponent. Consider St. Nicholas of Myra slapping Arius in a solemn council of the whole Church. Consider the legal case of Helen Kane vs. Betty Boop.

At any rate, there is only a relatively small area where there can be controversy. Wawa does not penetrate as far as Pittsburgh, and Sheetz does not reach Philadelphia with its octopus tentacles. When Dr. Boli does travel through the small section of Pennsylvania where the two overlap, it is usually by private railroad car, and if stops are necessary to replenish the supplies, the staff have instructions to buy only from certain Deitsh farmers with whom we are personally acquainted.

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SECURE AS ALL GET OUT.

Have you been worrying that nefarious agents from Belarus or Uzbekistan might be tracking your every visit to this Magazine? Well, they probably still are. But your browser will no longer display the words “Not secure” in the address bar when you visit, so please enjoy your false sense of security.

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THE BATTLE OF DRBOLI.COM.

On July 21, 2021, the enemies of civilization sent their robot armies to attack the server that hosted drboli.com, the hub of Dr. Boli’s celebrated publishing empire. An army of technicians rushed to the site of the breach, but it was not easy to find where the robots had got into the server. It was not easy to find the server at all, in fact.

The site had been hosted for years by a small local hosting company, but that company had long since got out of the Web-hosting business, as a result of having found a much more lucrative niche for its services in the lawn-care industry. In fact drboli.com was the very last site it hosted, on a ten-year-old server whose very existence everyone had forgotten.

Scouts with machetes finally removed the encroaching jungle and found the server, paralyzed by the robot attack. A detachment of technicians defeated the robots, retrieved fourteen years’ worth of data, and left a “Please Stand By” notice on the server, but it was clear that a more modern host would have to be found.

We have therefore spent the past week rebuilding the site on a newer server, one less encumbered by vines. We believe the newer technology will allow us to offer more services to our readers, although if you came here looking for anything other than something to read you are probably in the wrong place.

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STUNNING EVIDENCE OF BILOCATION.

Our old friend Father Pitt provides us with this picture of St. Casimir’s on the South Side, now—like many large churches in the neighborhood—converted to luxury apartments. Architecturally, it’s worth discussing—a sort of American Polish Baroque. But what our correspondent found most interesting about the picture is not evident until you enlarge it. Note the two pedestrians on the sidewalk along the side of the building.

They are the same person. All unknowing, old Pa Pitt captured an instance of bilocation on 22nd Street at the intersection with Sarah Street. He has reported this to the Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh, but as the church building has been deconsecrated, the diocese disclaims all responsibility for instances of bilocation on profane ground. Apparently people are bilocating willy-nilly in the vicinity of old churches and nothing can be done about it.

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UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.

On June 14, 1956, Quigby Grissom, a young Beat poet, was howling into the void when something in the void howled back. He was never able to describe or explain what he had heard, but he never wrote a line of poetry again and spent the rest of his life as a mattress salesman.

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WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT DR. BOLI.

Nihil obstat. —The Right Rev. Wilberforce Rankle, M.B.A., Bishop, Church of Moloch (Reformed).

I don’t get it. Is this funny? I don’t do funny. —Dan Brown.

This is to inform you that we are suing you for one million billion trillion zillion dollars for calling our client “litigious.” —Donald Trump’s Lawyer and Caddy (name withheld by request).

Five stars! Awesome service! Would buy again! —Morningside SEO and Google Ranking Improvement Services Inc.

You thought you were pretty clever, singlehandedly foiling my plot to conquer all of Europe. Well, we’ll see who has the last laugh. —Napoleon I, former emperor, now employed at Burger Yurt #27, Saw Mill Run Blvd.

According to my telepropeller, Dr. Bilo is one of the cultic treasures that make me proud to be an Armorican, and I always read what my teleproctologist says. —Joe Biden.

Bark! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! —Sebastian the Devil Yorkie.

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DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.

AUXILIARY BISHOP RECOVERING FROM SEMICOLON SURGERY.

Pittsburgh (Special to the Dispatch).—Auxiliary Bishop Wendell ffigge-Barre of the West Central Northeastern North American Anglican Church (Semiliberal) is in stable condition after undergoing semicolon surgery at St. Bede’s Hospital in Esplen, according to a statement from the diocese.

“This intervention was necessary to cure Bishop ffigge-Barre’s tendency to witter on ad infinitum,” a spokesdeacon explained, reading a prepared statement.

Surgeons at St. Bede’s say that the bishop has already begun to talk in simple sentences, indicating that the procedure was a success.

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PLEASE STAND BY…

…while we fight off an army of malicious hackers. Enemy agents are well aware that the key to disrupting the economy of our fair land is the control of Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Pub­lishing Empire. They have been foiled, of course, but it may take a few days to restore normal service.

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