CORRECTION.

We apologize for the error on page 4 of the advertising circular from your neighborhood Food Festival supermarket. It was meant to read Artisan Sourdough, not Artesian Sourdough. Owing to scheduled vacations, the circular has once again been placed in the hands of our loyal but intellectually limited Herbert “Herb” Herbertson for the past two weeks, and these things happen when Herb is in charge. We should especially like to thank all the customers who took time out of their busy days to inform the management that our sourdough bread did not rise to the surface of their shopping carts under its own pressure. We honestly had no idea that so many of you were so well educated in hydrostatics, which makes us frankly wonder what you have been doing with your time. This week’s puns were almost as amusing as the ones last week about “naval oranges” and “army grapefruits.” We apologize for that error, too. As always, we look forward to serving our customers every day, though there are some days when our smiling optimism takes more effort to maintain.

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PRODUCT RECALL.

It used to be that childhood was an age of wonder, a time of fun and experimentation, when children explored the world and learned by doing, not just by reading a book or watching a YouTube video. But now some pasty-faced glasses-wearing goober at the FTC says we have to use squishy plastic axes in our Byron brand Family Backyard Axe-Throwing Fun Set. So, yeah, bring your set in and we’ll replace the axes, and then when your kids all grow up to be wusses don’t come crying to us. Byron Toys, Donora.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

In response to our advice on proper salutations in letters to recipients of unknown gender, our frequent correspondent “tom” asks,

Well what about that “Dear” business? Why should every schlub (so to speak) be entitled to be called “dear,” just as if he/she/it was worth more than the price of a postage stamp.

To this question “Mrs Bat” replied,

Have you seen the price of postage stamps lately? They’ve become rather Dear indeed!

It is, however, still true, in spite of rising prices, that the time and labor involved in composing and sending a letter is worth more than the stamp on the envelope. Recipients of your letters are therefore presumed to be dear to you, because if they were not you would not have made the effort to send the letters.

A corollary to this principle is that letters created by assigning an AI bot to spew out the text of the letter do not properly use the salutation Dear. Letters composed by AI properly use the salutation, “Hey, [name of recipient]!” If you do not think that sounds impressive enough, doubtless your bot pal can suggest something frightfully clever that will fool the uninitiated into thinking you put some thought into it.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: When I was in high school, which happened in a different millennium, our English teacher taught us that the proper salutation for a business letter addressed to a party of unknown gender was Dear Sir or Madam. But that seems a bit limiting in our modern world, and I was wondering whether you knew what the proper up-to-date salutation for such a letter would be. —Sincerely, Mrs. Clank, English teacher at Blandville High.

Dear Madam: You are correct that the old salutation is no longer adequate. The correct up-to-date salutation for a business letter addressed to a recipient of unknown gender is Dear Sir or Madam or Whatever.

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THE BRAVE NEW WORLD OF A. I. SPAM.

We had been astonished that the spammers who flood our site with thousands of comments had not adopted artificial intelligence to make their comments more plausibly human. Instead, they had been leaning on the old reliable techniques that go back to the very earliest days of comment spam twenty years or so ago.

1. Throw a specific-sounding comment at hundreds of sites and hope it may be relevant to one or two of them:

I’ve tried many horoscope sites over the years, but this one stands out for its accuracy and clarity. The daily forecasts are comprehensive yet easy to understand. I love how they break down the influences for each zodiac sign. This is now my go-to site for daily astrological guidance!

This comment was not left on one of the articles here that mentioned astrology.

2. Write something generically complimentary and hope that a few vain site owners will not notice that it could apply to any writing anywhere:

Your writing has a way of resonating with me and making me feel understood Thank you for being a relatable and authentic voice

3. Ask a question that might provoke the site owner to interact with you, thus bringing your comment more attention. Again, the question will have to be generic, since you are going to throw it at thousands of sites.

Thank you for any other informative site. Where else may just I get that kind of info written in such an ideal manner? I’ve a project that I’m just now working on, and I have been at the look out for such information.

4. Use article-spinning software to create endless retreads of the same comment. Article-spinners are based on the assumption that “synonym” means “exact drop-in replacement for a word.”

Pretty portion of content. I just stumbled upon your website and in accession capital to assert that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I will be subscribing in your augment or even I fulfillment you get admission to consistently rapidly.

5. Do all of the above, but in Russian. There are bursts of a few days at a time when the overwhelming majority of comments sent to Dr. Boli are in Russian.

Almost all these comments are intercepted by our simpleminded spam-blocking software and sent to the spam holding cell, where they accumulate (right now there are 18,425 of them) until Dr. Boli decides to rummage through them to find a few amusing things and then deletes the rest.

But things may be changing at last. Yesterday we got our first AI-powered spam comment.

Dr. Boli’s satirical voice has always been a masterclass in gentle humor, and the carefully curated magazine format under his editorship continues that brilliant tradition. The way he blends scholarly pretense with absurdity creates a unique reading experience that rewards repeated visits.

It is immediately obvious that the bot has “read” at least some of the site, in that it “understands” what kind of site it is commenting on and adds enough specific detail to make that understanding obvious. It is using the same psychological manipulation as No. 2 above, but it is much more effective. If you did not notice the slick AI style of it, or the link in the commenter’s name that leads to a chatbot site, you might believe it was from a genuinely appreciative reader.

We also notice that it made it past the simple bot fence we have set up, meaning that the AI-powered commenter was able to outwit our little mousetrap, and we may have to build a better one. (Or it is possible that the comment was posted by a human who used AI to write it; we have no automatic defenses against human commenters except that their comments are held for moderation if they have not commented before.)

Well, now, what are we to do about this new AI comment spam? Obviously the same thing we would do if a real human left a spam comment. That does happen occasionally, and for the moment we see no reason to make any distinction between bots with bad intent and humans with bad intent. Or if there is any distinction to be made, it will be in favor of the humans. Dr. Boli has usually been happy to consider it news rather than spam if a human reader mentions and links to her own book, for example; he would not apply the same generous assumption to a bot.

Meanwhile, we can take this opportunity to admire how fast the bots have developed. They are turning into competent criminals very quickly.

And, by the way, if you wonder why your electric bills keep going up, it is because huge server farms are providing artificial-intelligence services to scammers and cheaters of all descriptions. In an ideal world, perhaps, the costs of all that extra power consumption would fall entirely on the criminals who do the consuming, who would thus be forced to learn valuable lessons about balancing current expense with anticipated income. In the world we have created, however, criminals are a privileged class, and it is the duty of the rest of us to support them by spreading the cost of their crimes through the general population. This is how we make sure that virtue is indeed its own reward: by not sullying it with any other material considerations.

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