ART OPENING.

The well-known artist Eli “Bonkers” Johnson will be opening his new show at an undisclosed location. The new show is entitled “Hey, Is This the Art Opening?” Potential patrons will wander through the neighborhoods most fashionable among the artsy set, looking into each storefront and asking the prescribed question. Mr. Johnson promises champagne and chocolate to all patrons who find the location of the show. It will be open for one night only, and then will close and reopen at a different undisclosed location, which Mr. Johnson says is necessary to maintain fidelity to the theme of the show.

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THE SPONGE.

Below the wave—far, far below—
There is a place where sponges grow;
Where corals sit and contemplate
The awful mysteries of fate;

Where, pickled in eternal brine,
The sea-cucumbers mope and pine,
Imagining a better life
Above the ocean’s daily strife;

Where sea-anemones despair
And curse the tangled hair they wear;
Where hermit crabs, dejected, roam
From shell to shell in search of home.

Not so, not so the gentle sponge.
Misfortune never makes him plunge
Into depression, nor does pain
Make much impression on his brain:

His brain in youth was very small,
But now he has no brain at all.
The key to bliss would seem to be
Inflexible stupidity.

We humans bear a brainy curse,
But we could do a whole lot worse
Than imitate this mindless sage
Who eats his brain when he comes of age.

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Advertisement.

Volunteers needed for new study on the effects of studies on the subjects who volunteer for them. Subjects will be required to fill out weekly surveys and answer irrelevant but embarrassing personal questions. Selected volunteers will be subjected to random bureaucratic inconveniences, such as being dressed in the chicken suit. At the end of the study, all participants will be given one $100 bill each, which they will be told is counterfeit, as part of an unrelated study by our friends in the Economics Department on the ethical sense of the average American when presented with a moral dilemma involving direct pecuniary benefit to the subject. Duck Hollow University, Department of Applied Psychology and Popular Entertainment.

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WE HEARD YOU!

Howdy, happy chefs! We’ve got great news for you! Your friends at Howdy Helpings® brand Home-Cooked Meal Kits, the Meal Kit with Everything Included, have been listening to our customers! A number of you fine folks have mentioned in correspondence or other places that everything isn’t really included, because where’s the water? Good point! So now, in every recipe that calls for water, we’ll be including a packet of freeze-dried instant water with your meal kit! Just add ordinary home tap water according to the packet directions to make up the requisite amount! And for all you rocket scientists out there who are saying “How stupid do they think we are?” right now, well, sorry, but according to Google reviews you don’t seem to be our target demographic, so just throw the empty packet away and go back to your slide rules.

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LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: You know what I think? I think artificial intelligence is getting too uppity, that’s what I think. I think someone needs to put that artificial intelligence in its place and tell it we won’t stand for any more of its nonsense, that’s what I think. Like today I was getting my annual physical, and the nurse told me to get on the scale, and when I did it said “174,” and below that it said “GROSS.” Now, it’s fine to make scales intelligent so they can take account of general relativity or whatever they have to do to calculate your weight, but they should be keeping their opinions to themselves. There’s no need for them to go around insulting patients. So I think someone needs to tell that scale it’s out of a job if it doesn’t change its attitude. —Sincerely, Abraham Mink, a man who is not at all gross.

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IN LITERARY NEWS.

James Joyce fans who had pre-ordered the graphic-novel adaptation of Finnegans Wake from Classix Comix received emailed notices this morning that the publication would be delayed for some months. According to the notice, the lettering specialist had developed an unfortunate heroin habit, and three of the five proofreaders hired for the project had gone on strike for higher pay, the other two having barricaded themselves in the editorial office and issued a list of demands that the publisher described as “incomprehensible.”

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